AU where Billy Batson is investigating some random magic issue because his powers have been depleted as a consequence, meaning he temporarily can’t be Captain Marvel, but he somehow accidentally tips off Zatanna who’s working in the watchtower that day. She senses the sudden lack of magic in Fawcett City and tries to contact Marvel to warn him, but he can’t be reached so she calls up a few members of the JL to check it out because they want to make sure he’s okay.
Batman, Zatanna, The Flash, and Wonder Woman start wandering through Fawcett with no plan, just looking for some kind of sign that Cap is nearby, when they see this kid in a tattered red hoodie open a PORTAL, and they’re like what the fuck?! So they slip through the portal right before it closes and suddenly they’re in this infinite magical cave, and the boy is pissed. And he’s really not open to questions.
“What’s your name, kid?”
“None of your business.”
“Where are we?”
“Also none of your business.”
The heroes aren’t idiots, though. They know this kid has something to do with Cap’s disappearance, so they ask him questions until he finally gets tired of them and says, “I’m his…protégé.”
“Cap has a protégé?”
“Yes. That’s me.”
“Prove it.”
“Superman works as a news reporter at the Daily Planet.”
“…Oh shit.”
Batman tries to talk to him about how he shouldn’t know this kind of stuff but the kid hits him back with, “You have like ten kids who know everyone’s identities too. Why are Captain Marvel and I suddenly breaking protocol?” Point taken.
So now there’s this magical kid who’s apparently in line to become the next Champion of Magic who knows all of the JL’s secrets through Captain Marvel, and they still don’t know WHERE Cap is so they take him back to the watchtower and try to get as much info from him as possible. It only makes them more confused.
“Where is Captain Marvel?”
“He’s stuck in eternity.”
“What does that mean?”
“He doesn’t have a corporeal form right now.”
“He- what the fuck? How did that happen?”
“His powers were depleted after a big fight last week.”
“But is that reversible?”
“That’s what I was working on.”
“And what were you doing, exactly?”
“I was…trying to help him get his strength back.”
“Okay? How can we help?”
“Umm, you can’t.”
“Is he okay? In eternity?”
“Yeah yeah, don’t worry about it.”
“How do you know he’s okay?”
“We…have a…shared consciousness?”
“Excuse me??”
“I take it back.”
“You can’t just take that back?!“
“It’s Champion of Magic stuff, okay?! You wouldn’t understand!”
The kid’s story just keeps getting weirder and weirder until he refuses to answer questions, leaving them more in the dark than they were before.
Billy Batson can never grow up because it's just not funny. Like oh, this guy says a magic word and then transforms into a slightly buffer guy? I am snoring. I am tossing the comic away in disgust. He's gotta be a little guy. He's gotta be a little shit. He's gotta be an angelic ten year old. He's been to juvie. He doesn't understand taxes. He could kill a man. He chooses not to. He still sleeps with a stuffed animal. If a League member yells at him he will cry. He'll leave them contemplating their own existence. He'll put shaving cream in their shoes.
Black Canary: Hey cap how come all of your villains keep calling you weirdly infantilizing insults?
Green arrow: Yeah that savana guy is so condescending to you, he didn’t act nearly as bad to us and Black Adam calls you brat and baby man.
Captain Marvel: *lying through his ass* oh that? That’s bc sometimes my villains try to depower me to figure out my secret identity because I take a different form when I’m not using my powers. When they actually manage to succeed I have a magic fail safe that at the last second it turns me into a little boy so they don’t actually discover my secret identity. They legitimately think I’m a twelve year old.
Batman, eyes narrowing: Why a twelve year old?
Captain Marvel, bullshiting: It’s the only spell I found that doesn’t turn me into something like a rabbit or mouse. I would rather be a kid than cat food, at least people try to help screaming kids.
Green Arrow: …That’s fucking genius
Wonder Woman, suddenly: I want to see Baby Marvel now
Captain Marvel: *internally* oh no.
trying to decide if i'd rather be a tortoise or a turtle. on the one hand I prefer dry land, on the other hand turtles can breathe out of their cloacae so. it's tricky
I just remembered that when I was like 10 I used to wish that I’d wake up one day and the past few years had just been a dream and I was like 7 again. Genuinely that was a regular thing for lil old 10 year old me who apparently was not okay
You've been cast into a fictional setting, and you don't get to pick your genre. This wheel picks it for you.
does shipping sander sides count as selftest?? or is just really weird when you think about it in depth for more than 10 minutes???
hypothetically if I read crack fanfic during a church service will I get smitted by God. completely hypothetical
I hate myself?????? my brain just read bowie as bowsie????? like bowser whyyy???