I Feel Fucking Pathetic, It's The New Years And I'm Sitting On The Bathroom Floor And Crying Fuck

S*icide "joke" / "not joke" -

People : Mental health and mental illness and ND awareness blah blah blah

People : Suicide is not the answer

Also people : How are you going to survive in this world if *lists and complains about various symptoms neurodivergent people/pw mental illnesses have* [hence - suicidal ideation. like??????? the math is so simple?????? which part do you not get?????]

Also people : We can't give you concessions cause we're all going through tough times and it would be unfair, so suck it up

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If you want ND people and pw mental illnesses to live, then make the world a livable place for us. suicide is not the answer, I absolutely agree. but neither is enforcing norms and standards which are exclusionary and HARMFUL in nature and on top of that not giving concessions or being understanding. you can't have both.

I felt today oh 🙂

okay, so I'm fat right? And all my life I've been conditioned with the prejudice that fat people can't be sexy, they can't be into sex stuff - the trope for a fat person was the funny sidekick who loves food and loves to tease their friends and be the butt of jokes. And I never minded that trope because I wasn't conscious of it, though at times it did rub me the wrong way. My family used to tell me if I lost weight I'd be able to dance better when I used to dance for fun in front of them (they meant it in a light way, but that made me an insecure mess who hated dancing - it took me a long time, and an entirely new beginning, to dance in front of people without being overly conscious of my every move), one of my ex classmates told me not even a pr*stitute would have sex with me (I can't even begin to point out how many things are wrong with that statement) and so on. So looking sexy or whatever has become empowering for me. Taking nudes and sending them to people (solicitedly of course), looking into the mirror fully naked, and wearing clothes that are revealing helped me in being comfortable with, and in, my body. For me, sex is something that has been so seperate from people like me, that I want to reclaim it and show people that - here, look, even fat people can dress sexily, even they can be sexual, even they can be into sex, even they can be sexual beings (DO NOT COUNT FETISHISM OR I'LL VIRTUALLY PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE). And that's been another um doubt, y'know? Like, people see me as this person who does things like this and I don't want them to mock me for being a fat person and believing it could be possible for me - if that makes sense. I know I look good when I do dress up, I mean you realise how you look after a certain point when you get complimented enough - I'm not being cocky, I know I fit into the cute/adorable/chirpy fat person stereotype, but I want to be more than that y'know? I don't want to infantilised just because I'm fat and cute. I'm also a sexual being (I don't mean to invalidate asexual or sex repulsed fat people, I'm talking about me, personally) and I'd like people to acknowledge that instead of feeling weirded out since society cannot see fat people and sexy/sexual together.

tl/dr : I want to dress the way I want to - also called slutty by our messed up society - because it empowers me.

I just want someone to be soft with me and cuddle me and call me baby, is that too much to ask for :')

SPOILER FOR FLEABAG

Fleabag and Boo were not in love. They were not romantically attracted to each other. They had a strong, beautiful friendship which transcended amatonormativity. Their love was so deep and so meaningful that people who're limited by the belief that only romantic love can be so, cannot comprehend how friends can love each other so purely and deeply.

This is what our amatonormative culture is doing - it's robbing us of the ability to appreciate real friendship, one which isn't beneath romantic relationships, one which isn't placed on the bottom of a relationship hierarchy, one where best friends talk to each other, and treat each other as if they're lovers; because they are, they are lovers in the sense that they have unconditional love for each other, they are lovers in the sense that they started a café together and stayed together to run it, they are lovers in the sense that Boo was Fleabag's emotional anchor when her mother passed away, instead of her boyfriend. They are lovers in every sense, except for the romantic one.

Another thing I absolutely love about Fleabag - the show - is the fact that Fleabag's life didn't revolve around finding romance. She had fulfilling relationships with her best friend, her best friend's hamster, her sister, a practical stranger who saved her life and a priest who picked God.

She never made the priest feel bad for not picking her, never pressurised him to reciprocate her 'I love you', never slighted his relationship with God despite her being an atheist.

She was such a wholesome character and I fell in love with her in all the ways a person can fall in love with another person. I am so frigging heartbroken that I'll never get to experience the rest of her life, but I am also so frigging content with how the show ended. It was absolutely beautiful.

I don't like this belief/practice where when one person does something they're uncomfortable with or sacrifice something, it's seen as an act of love or loyalty or whatever to the other - similarly, when person #2 expects person #1 to do the same to "prove" / "show" their love for them; and not sacrificing something or not putting themselves in a difficult/uncomfortable situation is portrayed as not loving the other person enough - "you love me right, so why won't you do this for me" is emotional manipulation and T O X I C. You don't have to make yourself uncomfortable, you do not have to sacrifice something that makes you happy, you do not have to do any of this to prove your love to your loved one. I don't understand from when or where or how people started romanticizing the idea of sacrifice. From wives sacrificing their hobbies and their occupation for their husband or family and expecting all girls to do the same for their husband/boyfriend (cishet relationships in this context) to expecting close friends to attend parties to give you company eventhough they've made it perfectly clear that they're uncomfortable with doing so, this entire concept is normalised to the point that now it's considered not-true love, not strong enough love when others don't sacrifice/don't get out of their comfort zones/don't do things that makes them feel uncomfortable for others.

my social dysphoria acts up every time my cousin (9 years old) talks to me about bras, boobs and the such because it sounds like "girl talk" and it makes me feel sick, and I wish I were a boy sometimes (I'm NOT trans, I'm an agender girl, I say this because I don't want her to feel this comfortable having girl talks with me) so that she wouldn't be so open. sometimes to irritate me/annoy me, she describes how she imagines me with a saree and mailaanji and long hair and pottu and ornaments and stuff and I feel like crying and puking at the same time because I hate it I hate it I hate it, I'm not a girl I'm not a girl I'm not a girl stop stop atop

I feel this heavy nauseating feeling in my chest, throat and tummy when I hear anything akin to that, it's so revolting and I think I'm out of words to describe how fucking horrible I feel when she does stuff like this. It's not funny, gosg, it's NOT FUCKING FUNNY STO STOP STIO

And eventhough I tell her ewww and to stop saying stuff like that, she doesn't take me seriously, she's like, it's not realll, I'm just imagining it. and everyone wants me to dress decently because I'm a girl and I shouldn't be showing so much skin, revealing my body parts and other bullshit like that. AND ALL THIS IS TRIGGERRING MY SOCIAL DYSPHORIA AND FUCK EVERYTHING

I don't want to have "girl" talks with my cousins, I don't mind answering their questions - I'm one of the only people who give proper answers, so she asks me - but I don't like how it seems as a "bonding" moment, because it's not, it's not, it's not. There's nothing to bond over, I'm not like her, I'm not a girl and I hate this so fucking much. I hate when I'm considered a part of "women", and that when I grow up I may become a "wife" (I'm talking about the terms my family uses), and it sickens me. I feel disgusted and I hate it.

But I love my body. I don't gender my body, it doesn't have a gender, it's just my body, with it's parts. I don't want to be considered a girl - the identity of a girl - just because I have boobs and a vagina. I am agender. Call me a girl, but don't consider me one. Demigirl makes more sense, but I don't want to considered a girl even if it's in half. I'm agender, but the only "feminine" label I can tolerate is 'girl', maybe because it refers to young kids? and it alludes to not having an openly sexed, "female" body, but 'women' alludes to being a mature female, and it rubs me the wrong way - I don't know if this'll make sense to someone else, but it makes sense to me and I wish that's all that matters. And that is all that matters. But I want others to consider me agender too. URGH.

My grandma has a friend who's in the houseboat business and my parents are planning for us to stay overnight on a house boat tommo, and my cousins are also coming along and i recently found out so is my aunt, and even before all that, i couldn't feel excited.my grandma looked so happy telling me about it but i just couldn't feel it and I don't know what's wrong with me

why am I so fucked up in the head why can't I ever appreciate things why am I such a downer

I reaaaaaaaallllllyyyyy wanna re-watch OITNB but I don't think I'm emotionally ready to see Poussey again~