Whispers Of The Sea

2024 Summary

Starts in May because I drew nothing earlier.

Last year (I barely even remember those times) I was so burned out by drawing, I used to put too much effort in it and then not be satisfied anyway, so I snapped and decided to not draw ever again. 2023 summary was uneventful. I've lost faith in my skills.

Even a year into the fandom, I didn't believe I was able to draw these characters and I didn't want to (I was scared). I decided that I'll be known there solely by my writing... Until one day I actually tried and, wait a minute... I CAN?????

I'm still not in a warm relationship with drawing as I used to be back in the day, I still don't draw for enjoyment but only for the end result. But I'm glad that I'm welcomed here with what it is. 💔

Happy new year!!!

Just read your fic after reading your entire blog and I must say that you have such a big sexy brain. I mean, the writing is immaculate, the character analysis is top-notch, and the art pieces filled with symbolism are also incredible. You truly are a blessing to this fandom.

uughuhhh wuuhuww huhuuh ughhuhwhuuu

Mourning what's not lost

Everyone shut up, esoteric bimbo speaking!!!

Respawn in: ❚❚❚ seconds

...respawn as a union of machine and flesh. The unity of man and his creation. This is a rather sacred concept, but on the other side is the fact of the immorality of how this device violates death and disrupts the natural process of human existence. This breaks the original cycle of life, goes against nature, but is something very close to the absolute of man. What a paradox, right?

Genes and code. Wires and veins. Program and mind. Everything is one and inspired by man as a being. This same person becomes like God, wanting to recreate a new organism just as God once created it.

The cycle will never be interrupted.

It's always pleasing to notice small details in people's words that don't seem relevant at the first glance but your personal knowledge reveal interesting info about them.

Like, I'm reading a fanfic, and the characters come to an unusually cold place. It says "it's so, so cold, and it's not even snowing yet". I immediately went AH HUH! The author has probably never seen snow in their life! They don't know it's actually much warmer when the snow falls!

Or stuff like saying it's cold in the middle of July. Holding a flower bouquet upside down. Using dd/mm instead of mm/dd date format. Finding out things about people that they didn't intend to share, feels like I'm being a spy a little bit...

From Anomaly Diversion For the upcoming Chapter 4.

Pale

Spy tf2 and his identity

Character analysis (or at least my vision on him, if you believe my reasoning)

What do we know about Spy? He's a disguise mastermind. He can pretend to be anyone in order to infiltrate into the scene to do his job - quite literally, stab people on the back. But when he's not in the battle, what is he to his teammates? A suave Frenchman, a gentleman with taste, somewhat a leader.

At least, that's the persona he prefers to show. But is he really..?

What if I tell you that this person never drops his disguise?

For a man who always wears a mask and who's identity being secret is a sacred part of his role in this job, isn't this persona too much to show if it is real? Frenchman, rich, ladykiller... Wouldn't it be too easy to decipher his identity with so much clues provided? Wouldn't it be dangerous?

While Miss Pauling and the Administrator definitely know Spy's real identity, hiding it is a major thing for whatever reason. One could assume it might be because of Scout (obvious guess) but I doubt he's a sole reason. Spy very much enjoys being the Spy all by himself. Do what's the deal?

Let's start from the beginning.

Why did Spy join Mann Co. in the first place?

Let's take this assumption as a fact: people come here out of desperation. They are professionals in their field, yet in their past/casual life there is a pattern of them having difficulties that push them into joining this service. I don't see why Spy would be an exception.

The reason for joining is usually money. Some people question why Spy, a wealthy man from higher society, would join Mann Co. if he has it all already.

Well, probably because he really does not.

Have you ever met an aristocrat? Wealthy people don't get so protective about their expensive suits, they can afford cleaning or a new one. Regardless, rich people don't usually get stingy about material goods, especially if they're mass produced.

At least, not those who were born into wealth.

Spy's defensiveness about his "wealthy stuff", his pomp-ness, disgust and arrogance towards "plebs" gives off a man who knows what it means to live in poverty and who doesn't want to be associated with it ever again.

(Not even talking about his own filthy habits such as not washing his mask and pissing on walls? Jesus Christ)

Dare I even guess that he might be not French at all? His French is so broken. (Although, so is Medic's German, but at least he uses his language much more frequently and in more complex sentences, while Spy only uses French to say some basic expressions, occasionally confusing them with other languages). Definitely not a native.

If anything, he's not giving "rich man" at all, he's giving con man. And that fits my picture perfectly.

So, poor upbringing. How old is Spy? If he's Scout's father (and he was young when he was conceived), I'd say he's no less than 20 years older than him. I'd give him a few more years actually. So, approximately Spy is around 50 at the events of the game (1968-1972). Let's assume he was born somewhere in the 1910s.

Even if he's not French, I still agree that he's probably European. Hmm, what was happening in Europe at the time Spy was a kid?

Oh yeah. The Great Depression.

See my picture: imagine, a child from a lower class family during the Great Depression, his parents were most likely to not take good care about him (both because of the economical situation AND as an echo to Spy's struggles with his own fatherhood). He has to run away from home early and start to make money. Any way possible.

Unavoidably, it leads to crime.

Petty theft, blackmail, scams. Changing identities. Selling low quality products and services. Changing identities again. When older, seducing rich women to stay at their homes overnight, be fed and supported. Running away from the police. Walking into a trap of the mafia, and then joining them as their goon.

In this nightmare of a life he just had to keep pretending to be someone else, someone better and stronger, in order to his ego to not completely shutter. He had to imagine he was an invincible mastermind trickster of some sort, not just a poor boo-hoo victim of poverty who has never knew normal life and care.

And if you pretend for long enough, you become your role eventually... Right?

His true self was long lost forgotten under many layers of new identities. Worse, his true self was never known. And he didn't want it to be known in its ugly and disgusting vulnerability. Narcissism became his lifeline.

It's so much better to be Spy. To be rich and elegant and respected. His ego rebuilt.