Latest Posts by moonsquaremars - Page 4
again and again and again. i fall in love with someone and they don’t love me back. why has this happened to me my whole fucking life? i can’t take it anymore.
i’m just another obsessed lunatic and am destined to be alone. i hate this.
it’s just embarrassing at this point. and it’s invalidating my own feelings because how many times does this have to happen? i can’t say the exact same things every time i fall in love with someone and they abandon me. this is like the nth fucking time.
Enikő Katalin Eged (Hungarian, b. 1992, Budapest, Hungary) - Year of the Rabbit, Digital Art
Sydney Laurence (American,1865-1940)
The Hour before Daylight, 1925
oil on canvas
try saturn conjunct south node / opposite north node . . . . js
when you have saturn and north node in the same house and sign……..
Astrological Analysis of my new Relationship
Ok, so to the left is my natal chart, and to the right is the natal chart of the new guy I've been seeing. We met about six years ago at a bathhouse, and lost contact. We reunited this past September, and the ball got rolling.
We had really great sex, and we have a lot in common. We enjoy each other's company. Oddly, he reminds me of my friend who just committed suicide a few months ago. It's like the universe is still providing that energy for me now that my friend Brad is gone.
I'll call new guy Mr. Mouse. One of my nicknames for him is Millionaire Mouse, cuz he's a millionaire and he reminds me of a mouse lol. He's very kind and sweet, not pushy at all. Sometimes too sweet. But after what I've been through, that's not so bad.
Immediately while looking at his chart, it's interesting. It has a lot going on. It looks like a diamond. And all that checks out, cuz his life is anything but boring. I told him my chart is the shell, and his chart is the pearl that fits inside.
I'm still not over 8th house sun, but I'm not holding my breath for him any longer. We still talk occasionally, I still love him, but it looks like he is gonna have to take the back burner.
I really hesitated doing my synastry chart with Mr. Mouse, because I didn't want him to have more key aspects than 8th House Man. Part of me still believes I will end up with him, and I didn't want to entertain the idea of anyone else replacing him or having more key aspects than he has. 8th house has one key aspect, as does Mr. Mouse. Unfortunately, the key aspect for 8 isn't exactly a positive one, but Mouse's is. So both men who I have been torn between only have one key aspect in our synastry.
I'm not sure how to interpret this, because other partner's I've had have had more keys, but then again, my relationships with them didn't last anyway. It's possible these relationships won't last either. anyways.
The most interesting thing about Mr Mouse's chart is his 12th house moon. My sun is in the 12th house, as is my dad's. 12th house rules monestaries, and he grew up in a small town that is known for its catholic monestary. It makes sense I would end up there, living with him. I think it will be a very healthy change of pace for me. The city has gotten so toxic and overwhelming.
Another interesting thing is that he has Sun trine Moon natally. My dad has that aspect, my best friend patrick, and most of my ex boyfriends have had that placement for some reason. My sun sextiles my moon and my little sister has the same placement. It's said to make one really agreeable, balanced, and well liked.
Our north nodes are both in libra, and we both have a life path of 7. I used to be extremely ambitious, like capitalist, enterprising, all that stuff. So is he. He built his own company and is a CEO and 'an important person'. I had met rich people before, but dating him has exposed me to mega rich people.... It's been an experience.
To the left is our synastry chart, and to the right is our composite. For those who don't know, synastry is how our charts blend together, the composite chart is the chart for the relationship itself.
It appears his sun lands in my 6th house, which makes sense, cuz he's helping me heal and get solid ground. My sun touches his 9th house, which I guess adds up, cuz I feel like I'm expanding him intelectually. My moon in his 11th house makes total sense, bc of my 11th house stellium, and the fact that I speak french and mandarin is very fascinating and beneficial for him.
As for the composite, our sun is in aries.
this adds up. we've traveled a lot, and our relationship has been pretty fun so far. Oddly, our composite sun is in the 8th house, which is the natal sun of the guy I fell in love with this summer. so it seems the universe is saying something.
I'm definitely getting into my more spiritual, psychic, intuitive side. I saw both men in a dream, before I even met them. I talk in a post about the dream about 8th house man, but after all that bullshxt went down and I was so depressed in july, I had a premonition dream that saw Mr. Mouse.
In the dream, which felt like I was watching a movie in the theaters, was me walking around a very wealthy, well decorated home. I was in a room with no walls, and I was older, and a priest. I thought the dream was telling me that I would be old and wealthy, but then the priest part didn't make any sense. Why would I become a priest? Turns out Mr. Mouse went to seminary to be a catholic priest, and the house I saw was his mother's. The second floor doesn't have windows.
So I've seen both men in a dream. That doesn't help me too much with making a decision. Haha.
These are some of our synastry aspects. The key aspect is positive, and helped me gain clarity on why exactly we are together. We have an age gap, and I hate the way people look at us in public. But I'm also in love with summer boy and hoping he'll come around.
The sexual magnetism is very true. We have so much sex and we don't seem to grow tired of it, yet at least lol.
flighty and petit. will know how to make good conversation, unless you have chiron in3rd or virgo moon like i do. passionate, and a sharp tongue. insult is an art. forgetful. indecisive. curious.
mars 11h w merc + venus. square moon. opposite pluto. guess that means i’m intense. woof.
notes from this semester.
had hard time focusing. burn out + brad’s suicide + trauma from the summer. rough timez.
Arthur Rimbaud, from The Complete Works of Arthur Rimbaud; "A Heart Under A Cassock,"
i’m sitting in his room. it’s a few days before christmas.
it’s chilly, most of the days, in kentucky. a warm day in the 50s or 60s isn’t uncommon though. one christmas, it snowed. a few snow days a year are all a young student could hope for. the ice storm during my 7th grade year was a pleasant, citywide shut down exception.
anyway, i am laying on his bed. i smoke a cigarette. a red camel crush. bad teacher is on his tv. he needs a shoulder rub.
it’s 1:39 am. bad teacher is still on. he’s fallen asleep, like he always does. he feels safe and comfortable. i like to lay awake and listen to him sleep. like i’m watching over him while he rests.
something strange happened tonight with the new guy i am seeing. we started dating a few months ago. we had great sex for hours the first time we reconnected after six years. he’s a ceo. he appeals to a lot of aspects of my personality, he is a good fit. we have good chemistry. we have good sex. but i don’t feel for him like i do for space cowboy. even if i am weary of his volatile ways. i am okay with being with ceo if space cowboy falls through. i’m okay with walking away at this point.
but tonight. he didn’t text me good morning today. he said he was going to facetime me on my break to show me the house he was staying at. but then he didn’t answer or respond to my text. immediately feeling strange about this, but he does have a tendency to fall asleep early.
i immediately felt he was with someone else. and now, i realize it might have been his worker that just flew into boston. i know this worker. ceo isn’t exactly out of range of his type. but he does have a husband, though that hasn’t stopped a gay man before. i know from painful experience.
but i also got a strange vibe at the end of our phone call. they were both in the work van. i was in my car. i realized worker was different from me emotionally. saw things differently. the goodbye just was strange. i think it was ceo’s voice. sometimes our personalities don’t mesh.
hopefully-maybe i’m being paranoid. but would be cool if i was right. i like when my senses are right.
[[edit: i just remembered him saying he’s hooked up with worker’s husband before. they totally fucked. last night worker had his own hotel room. this morning, ceo doesn’t text me good morning which i found strange. he misses the call with me on his break. i’m at the point where i feel certain they had sex. this will be a good intuition tester, cuz i never know when to listen to something as right, or just in my head. this will be an experiment. cuz i’m so sure of my senses right now. but if i’m wrong, i’m wrong. i know ceo will tell truth. but if they’re having sex multiple times, it might hurt me. this would be the perfect opportunity to tell him i’ve been seeing space cowboy though. and space cowboy is starting to show more promise. he’s beginning to communicate. he’s told me thank you twice tonight. /end edit. ]]
that would be a low jab. but, i am over space cowboy’s house right now. everything in me has wanted a relationship with him. but things have progressed so smoothly with ceo. there are things he doesn’t know. things i don’t know how i will integrate.
but space cowboy, may have a very difficult time integrating with my friends and family. what few friends i have left. ceo and space cowboy have the same interests though. they both build wood furniture and things with their hands. maybe ceo can help cowboy. but he may feel jealous.
ceo works with his ex. his ex helps run his company. polyamory is a thing. i don’t know what will happen. could the two share me?
i’ve never been in a straight relationship. can’t both partners be winners? i feel like relationships always have imbalanced aspects. my ex was internet famous for having a big dick and was solidly upper middle class, but i am conventionally attractive and speak three languages. also 99% of gay relationships don’t work either. i feel like kids are the only thing that keep most marriages together.
I just realized here in the early morning hours that in a straight couple, you are indubitably getting some kind of power struggle where both the man and the woman assume, maybe even subconsciously, that they’re respectively going to be the winners. You could say This is probably why 99% of non-marriage relationships end and 50% of all marriages end in straight folk. It isn’t that most couples HaTe EaCh OtHeR, it is that they have some competition going on in their minds that there exists no rules to.
this series may be coming to an end
new information has been revealed
my cries to heaven become quiet
no more loss to be appealed
Frederick Judd Waugh (American,1861-1940)
The Setting Sun
Oil on panel
Mary Oliver, from “Hum Hum”, A Thousand Mornings
safari disco club
ok so i really wanna write a screenplay about my summer. i think it’d make a really good queer indie film. i’m more a visual person but i hate writing scripts. i might just make it a short story or novella first, but i think i am on to something. there’s too much creative energy flowing through me, i’ve been wanting to focus and write it for a while now.
the premise is two gay guys in the south and their following romance. i’m not sure how much i want it to be autobiographical. id say about 50% of it will be true or based on the truth. the details surrounding their personal lives aren’t too important. there will be character 1 & 2 and they are the primary focus. there might be a friend for the bear and the ex for the twink that will get some coverage. family for twink. maybe just sister for bear.
but the first scene of the film, the shot will see the ocean and then go down to a young blond twink eating at a hotel restaurant on the coast. hell be looking pensive then his older boyfriend will come to the table and greet him. like sugar daddy vibes. then it will be a flashback to the summer.
it will have the two gay guys — one a twink and one a bear — falling in love in the lower middle class / middle class urban south. there will be drug use, id specifically like to have mathematics in a scene or two. i know there’s not a lot of that in media and it also is common in the gay population in a way i think straights don’t realize. i know it’s not exactly palpable for the public, but it’s so common especially in the south, i think it needs its moment in the spotlight. i’ve considered just having molly or cocaine or maybe even LSD. G should also have a mention cuz that’s another gay culture drug. poppers are definitely a must. all that could be considered. but i think it deserves a mathematics scene.
there will be at least one scene of domestic violence. that would probably be the climax of the film. it doesn’t have to be graphic, but hey im not throwing that out the window either. it could stay true to the dull, slow indie rhythm. as long as there is an emotional intensity surrounding it. maybe a bloody nose at least.
i don’t want too many details about the boyfriend twink is with in the opening scene. but there might be a scene where he is in california about 1/4 into the movie, so the viewer remembers it’s a flashback. twink could just be walking around LA though. maybe a scene in SF where he kisses new boyfriend sugar daddy vibes.
and there should probably be a good sex scene or two. again, not enough bear - twink combo in media. the bear / twink combo is important cuz that’s not seen enough of.
that’s all i’ve got for now.
twink will just be exiting an unsatisfying relationship, (partner accidentally had sex with twink’s father), + he gets his onlyfans deleted. so bear is new summer romance. but then it gets ugly. i want the twink’s lack of finances to be emphasized. but also his work ethic.
but i want the viewers to fall in love with the characters like they are with them, falling in love with them. i want it to be heart wrenching, and believable. i want the viewers to feel the emotions of the actors.
the sound of a seagull greets him through an open window. he’s sitting in a quiet and quaint hotel restaurant. the california coast.
he looks out the window across the dock. the boats rest still in the calm waters of the pier. the autumn morning sun is bright, accompanied by a tame and salty ocean breeze. he’s thinking about someone. he thinks about home.
a chilly morning for pastel chino shorts & a well-worn, cerulean linen sweater. both wrinkled, because of the suitcase and an impatience for folding laundry. his dark blond hair is healthy and uncombed, his pale skin and slight accent likely hinting to others he’s not from around here. at ease, his thoughts drift back to kentucky, back to the summer.
surrounded by the soft sounds of silverware clinking on plates, coffee mugs being picked up & sat back down on the tables, sunlight and small talk fill the room. he focuses on the present moment, breathing everything in. people actually live like this, he smiles.
just another love letter
Nero returned to Rome and spent the evening in the palace. After sleeping, he awoke at about midnight to find the palace guard had left.
Dispatching messages to his friends' palace chambers for them to come, he received no answers. Upon going to their chambers personally, he found them all abandoned.
When he called for a gladiator or anyone else adept with a sword to kill him, no one appeared. He cried, "Have I neither friend nor foe?" and ran out as if to throw himself into the Tiber.
i don’t know why i’ve always had a fascination with nero.
i think i relate to him cuz he inherited a falling empire. and his life was so messed up i think it made him messed up.
Spore print of Amanita Muscarius. Our edible toadstools and mushrooms and how to distinguish them. 1895.
Internet Archive
my nero
we are misunderstood
lost in this maze
you were my hero
no one knows
the true depths of my despair
i thought since you related
you’d care
we can play the fiddle
while the city burns
hit the blunt first
then pass for my turn
what an artist dies in me
though you still helped me see
an objective observance
just one more dance
please
geez
i’m repeating a pattern
older by the day
my return of saturn
the future is unclear
are you listening, my dear
i love you all the same
my hairs wild and untame
are you really gone
or i’m just impatient
could we really be fated
to live apart, in adjacent
come back to me
or don’t. can’t be certain
your love is a burden
isn’t love always a burden
i’d throw it all away
just to lay by your side
destiny be damned
you’re my joy & pride