“I Do Not Want People To Be Very Agreeable, As It Saves Me The Trouble Of Liking Them A Great Deal.”

I hate lying to those who deserve the truth.

So, instead of lying I try my very hardest to dance around the truth.  I do believe tonight was a success though I regret it.  No worries though, I regret 75% of the things I do or at least I should.

I live a double life and I am just fine with that.  One rule of living a double life though, is that no one can be apart of both lives.  Unfortunately that means I have to be a bit lonely at times, but for me it’s worth it.  I need to be more strict on the rules of living a double life.  That’s for sure.

I don’t know why I’ve always got to have a thorn in my side.  Perhaps, I like the adventure of getting it there.  I’ve gone back and forth for the past six years of my life.  Boys, razors, boys, razors.  Everyone hates the way I live my life.  Everyone, but me.  Maybe I’m lacking in self conscience right now but I’m enjoying myself.  I’m wreckless with this life because I don’t want to be living it in the first place I guess.

dry

I’ve been writing in my journal lately. I find it healthy, however, I find it necessary to also keep my tumblr updated. With that said, my life is one casualty after another. Perhaps that’s an exaggeration. Allow me to explain. I have yet to move back home, just stalling really. I know that when I get moved back in nothing will have changed. I’ll be put in the middle of my parents marriage. I’ll be required to do everything around the house because apparently, my sister is too sensitive to be upset at all. The lady is still in my life. My hands are dry and I want a cigarette.

Hi, TSU.

Tennessee State University.  Hi.  So far, you are friendly but not exactly welcoming.  I’m alone but for now it’s okay because I’m not sad today.  I don’t live here so to me the campus is huge and every step I take I feel like the campus swallows me a bit more.  My guess is, by the end of the week I’ll be okay.  I’ll know where my classes are better and know how to get here correctly.  I’m having second thoughts about not living on campus.  I mean look at me, I’m stuck is this big education portal with nothing to do and nowhere to go for an hour; and after my next class, I’ll be stuck doing nothing for another hour.  I wonder if I can still live on campus.  Or maybe, rent an appartment on campus or close, like they do at MTSU.  I know it will really hurt my parents but, I need to do what I need to do for my education right? Sometimes dad and I talk about what’s important.  He says he wishes he spent less time trying to make money for us and more time spending time with us.  So am I going to regret living in a dorm, or on my own rather becauyse of the lost time with my family?  Or am I going to regret not doing it because it’s so much harder on my for school?  I wish I could just stay the night down here two nights a week; Monday night and Tuesday night.  Maybe I’ll meet a friend that will let me stay with them some.  Like perhaps before exams or something.  I feel like I could make friends, but, Idk if anyone here is feeling me or not. It’s freaking hot.  Idk what to do.  To be real with myself, honestly I’m 99.9% I’ll be staying at home.  I suppose the drive is not that bad.  Maybe I’m just jealous of the college life everyone else is experiencing.  Or maybe, I’m just moody because I have a headache.  I hope it’s that one.  I’m going to try to redo my room.  Maybe that will make me feel like this whole thing is a new experience.

wash it all away

I put my Galaxy S4 in the washing machine about a week ago. Clearly, it was an accident. I was ten kinds of fucked up over it. My parents got me this expensive phone for Christmas because they trusted me, they knew I wouldn’t pawn it like I have everything else in my life. It was the only thing I have that held any value. My mother and I took it to two different cell phone repair stores. Last night we had to give up and accept that the Galaxy was gone for good. It was time to let the grieving process begin but then low and behold my mother bought me another phone right there on the spot for my birthday! I love it. I love her, I love my family. I’m so blessed. Now, there’s more. I think. As the days go by I get more and more comfortable with who and where I am. That’s beautiful. My intensive out patient classes are getting to be more bearable. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m just not going to be allowed to work in a restaurant so I best get out there and do something because I can’t continue to let my parents pay for it all. Jess is Jess. I love him, he loves me. We’re trying to work it out where we can see one another more often. He obviously doesn’t handle life very well without me. Oh, wait. You don’t know. I’m too proud to even write it out for you. Why is it that I always get along with the guys better? I went out with a few the other night. One was weary because we’re not really supposed to hang out with other people in our program but by the end he said I was like one of the guys and okay to be brought out like that. Why, thank you, that’s really what I was looking for, your approval ha. No. It still felt nice I guess. Is it wrong to enjoy attention? There is this guy that pretended to be all brotherly at the convention and I found yesterday he’s been telling everyone that he just wanted to fuck me. Now that, I don’t appreciate. I was seeing red last night after being told about it. There was more said of course to make me so angry. I did the right thing, though. I was given that information in confidence so it was not my place to take care of it. I just know that I’m going to do everything I can to make sure he knows that I’m not going for that shit. Even talking about it fuck with me. I can’t count how many times that message has been delivered to me. That’s what’s sick about it. What do I do to attract that nasty and attention. You know, the wrong kind of attention. To be honest, I think it’s because men see and talk to me then automatically think I can be easily manipulated or taken advantage of. And I’ll give them that, that’s usually the case. However, I’m so oblivious to it when they’re doing it that they don’t really get the chance to take that vantage. Then I find out like this, typically from another guy trying to sneak his way into my pants. It’s sad really. Don’t pay me a compliment because I’ll never take you serious. Believing guys like that has helped get me to the torn to shit emotional state that I live in now. Thank you baby, thank you so much. I sound like I’m all negative. I’m not. I just need to make these things clear to myself, you know? When it’s written down it’s always easier to understand, to see what I’m doing wrong or right in their eyes, apparently. We’re going to play volleyball tonight. He will be there and so will he and so will he. Confusing, I know. We’ll see how it goes. It cant be that bad. Right?

“Don’t be afraid to let life wash over you. When you run from pain, you run from an opportunity to grow. Embrace life as being in a constant state of flux, and do not separate yourself from any part of it. You are only robbing yourself.”

—

Elliott Hulse | @themotivationjournals

via addicted2success

“There is always something left to love.”

— Lorraine Hansberry, A Raisin in the Sun

cure

There is now a cure for hepatitis c and I am going to get it! Not treatment, but the cure! It is 99% effective. I am so blessed. The scaring that has already occurred to my liver is irreversible BUT as long as a do everything I’m told, medically speaking, it won’t get any worse. If I decide I want to, I can now have children without having to worry about making them sick, etc. I can’t express my gratitude to my God for what he is doing in my life. I love you.

ketchup

I haven’t written in a while.  I’ve been to busy being a wild child, apparently.  I’ve been flying, having a few drinks, and sniffling.  I say that as discretely as I can just incase my tumblr begins to get visitors. 

I recently discovered I do not need to take more than two shots of vodka.  I threw up once after three, and I threw up so many times I can’t count when I took four.  I had so much fun but I’m not all that sure it was worth all the getting sick.  I had my first drunken video taken of me Saturday.  I didn’t even remebmer it.  I just heard about it.  It was pretty funny.  I kept apologizing for getting so wasted, saying I promise I didn’t mean for it to get this far.  Then I fell back words, sat back up and said, “let’s get laid!"  It was really funny.  I didn’t like being so confused and sick in the morning.  And I had plans of revenge that night but I got to wasted to carry them out.  Luckily I am pretty sure now that I will have another few chances. 

I could pay attention in this class but to be honest I really don’t think it would help me.  Reading the chapter myself is much more sufficient.  This teacher is about 75 years old and admitted that he’s only teaching again to see if he can do it.  It’s becominf obvious that his retirement, God bless him,

But come to think of it I do need to study for my next class, bye.

six

I’ve found that although it’s the truth that burns sliding from your tongue to your lips, it is often the only way you can really breathe again. I would rather be told the truth and work past it than be fed lies and spend years building on such a faulty foundation. Often times though, I can feel it in the way they say it that I know something isn’t right but I try not to get confrontational without any sound evidence. And even then sometimes I’m too much of a coward to bring up the lie because the truth is usually hidden for a reason. I know that it’s time that changes. I know that if nothing else the lies aren’t right. I can’t say if anything else is wrong or right in our relationship but I do know lying doesn’t really have many exceptions. I’m really sick of staying up waiting for hin to call, wondering what it is he’s still doing at 1:30 am that he can’t pull away to tell me he loves me and he’s okay. It hurts so much to admit these things to you because that means I have to admit I’ve always known something was wrong. I don’t know how he does it but when he finally does call me anything that comes out of his mouth sounds like music. His excuses suddenly make more sense than my rationality.  At least I can say I get off the phone feeling better even if it is just a false sense of emotional security. I met with my sponsor today. She’s so beautiful. She’s from north Ireland and her accent is beautiful. She’s smart too, of course. She’s an alcoholic but enjoyed cocaine in large quantities as well. I do my very best to relate to what she says but alcohol was never really my problem. It might have shown me that I can feel alive with a little help.  But sometimes I feel like alcoholics never to go to the great lengths I did to get their drug of choice. However I’ve run out of excuses to keep living so I became willing to do whatever it takes to feel better. My sister graduated tonight. She was really self conscious about it because she’s a student of 2013 but her tassle said 2014. She was grumpy all day. All the attention should have been on her but there are three of us and you can’t put too much pressure on parents for handling things the right way.  She will learn that. She will learn, a lot. Hopefully not too much, and not the way I had to learn. I pray she can learn from the mistakes of my brother and I who have done this all before. I feel confident in saying she doesn’t have the addict gene and I can only pray she stays on the right medication and continues to improve. Phases, the halfway house I relapsed in called me tonight. The house manager, Julia, said that some if the girls had been petitioning her about me coming back. She said that she thought about it and she wants me to come back. I’m not sure how I feel about it.  I was going to go to Foot Prints. You can still have your phone the first 30 days until 6 and guys can pick you up and drop you off or anything you want really. I had grown to love the women at Phases, though. It’s all a shot storm of catch 22s’.  Heaven help me.

*your

self-loathing to self-awareness

I am 24 years old, and there are a few things I wish someone had told me 10 years ago. To the girl I was at 14: You don’t realize it yet, but you are easily in the top five of prettiest girls in your class and I’ll tell you why. I know you hate it that your parents won’t let you wear make up but it’s good for you. All those girls that intimidate you with their eye liner and push up bras, remember that that’s all they have on you. Your beauty doesn’t wash off with expensive make up remover, your beauty just is. You don’t realize it yet, but looks don’t matter as much as you think they do. Yes, people will always be shallow and more likely to approach you because of you’re beauty but you are so much more than blue eyes and boobs. You are smart, and you are funny. You are kind, and you are genuine. You don’t realize it yet, but those boys aren’t coming through your window because they enjoy your company. Although you are all the things I’ve already said, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t selfish masochistic pricks in the world that only want one thing from you. You don’t realize it yet, but you don’t owe them that one thing, or anything for that matter. No means no. There are decent human beings in the world that would enjoy your company, you just have to be willing to let people get to know you. You also have to be willing to get to know them. Friendship is a two way street. You don’t realize it yet, but your parents are right. They tell you not to hang out with that friend because they see their intent before your growing mind can grasp it. You don’t realize it yet, but there’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to wait around for someone to love you enough to fix you, you need to love yourself enough to be patient. You don’t realize it yet, but high school really will mean nothing to you eventually. No one cares about who you sat by in homeroom and more importantly, you’ll stop caring about it too. You don’t realize it yet, but you’re not stupid. That boy you’re with will continue to tell you that you are for the next 5 years but it’s not true. As a matter of fact, you’ll come to realize that you’ve always been smarter than him. You don’t realize it yet, but cutting yourself doesn’t solve anything. It is a temporary fix to a permanent problem. Sex, drugs, and alcohol won’t solve anything either. Trust me on this one. You are worthy of love, especially from yourself. And finally, you don’t realize it yet, but you don’t have all the answers. You never will.

As I wrote this I’ve realize how much I’ve grown over the past 10 years. And that’s because I lived the life I did and learned from it. I’m glad I can’t go back in time to give my 14 year self a pep talk because otherwise I might not have accomplished all that I did. We do recover and I am grateful for all the tears I’ve cried because it was that, that led up to be finally being able to fall asleep content at night. The nightmares are few and far between. I am able to help other young women see their own worth today, which means that none of that pain was in vain. I love you but more important than that, I love myself.