“Go As Far As You Can See; When You Get There, You’ll Be Able To See Farther.”

“It’s not always necessary to be strong, but to feel strong.”

— Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild (via wnq-quotes)

“I had a weird, empty feeling inside me. Not a bad sort of empty. It was a sort of lack of sensation, like being in pain for a long time and then suddenly realizing that you’re not anymore.”

— Maggie Stiefvater, Linger (via wordsnquotes)

wordsnquotes

chances of impulse

Do you think that maybe, just maybe, they really are okay with being just friends?  Or maybe they’re just really lonely.  Either way I’ll take it over being used.  We just watched tv for an hour and a half.  Simple.  I know he tried to be a good friend.  Whereas him, Idk how to read.  I can see in his eyes and the way he talks that he’s got some dark secrets behind those eyes.  I can see that it’s hard for him to be okay with opening up.  But, come on, you can’t just not talk.  You can possibly be as apathetic as you pretend to be.  and you, you can’t possible care about me the way you say you do.  Why me?  Why not all the other girls.  I hope you all show your colors soon before I go color blind. 

I don’t know why but I did it again last night.  It was impulsive.  It popped into my head and I got up walked to the bath room and did it like it was brushing my teeth.  Without flinching or blinking.  I ran over the first one a few times then decided it was inadequate and I needed to take advantage of the chance I was taking. So I did it twice more around the same spot.  I wasn’t satisfied because the utensil was dull, but it had to do because I had people to see and places to be.

I didn’t lie, I just changed my mind.

This ring I accidently shoplifted from earth bound, well I’ve decided it will be my sanity ring.  It says, “wherever you go, there you are”.  I thought a lot about what this could mean and I decided that for me it means that the journey is the destination.  And as long as I’m wearing it, I’ll remember everything will be okay.  And as long as I wear it I’ll know that I’m awake.

Forgiveness

Church this morning was about “division.” The pastors discussed how division is brought on by our lack of forgiveness and how sometimes, we have to forgive people who aren’t sorry. When there are quarrels between me and someone who is less healthy than I am, then it’s up to me to make healthy choices and end the division. So, the opening song was “Forget You,” by Gnarls Barkley. The pastor came on stage asking if we all had someone in mind when that song played. I couldn’t think of anyone. The service progressed, and still, nothing besides the small disagreement my husband and I had the night before came to mind. Finally, it hit me. My utter disgust with the McGregors is such a part of me now, it doesn’t even stand out. I’ve lived with it for so long that I can’t see it. It’s like your nose. In reality, you can see it on your face. That’s why when you get some kind of debris on your nose, you see it. Your nose has been apart of your body for so long that your eyes are blind to it.

They showed a seen from a movie called “The Shack.” In the movie, God asks this man to forgive is daughter’s murderer. He tells God he doesn’t know how. God asks him to begin by saying it aloud. After he says it, he admits to God that he’s still angry. God consoles him by saying that’s all right. Now, if that’s how it really goes, I’m willing to give it a try.

Just because I forgive someone doesn’t mean that their actions were justified. Although I’m not sure why, God asks us to forgive just as we’ve been forgive. From experience, I know that forgiveness brings peace. I’m not sure how to explain it other than to say that it’s much easier liking someone than it is to hate them. I just can’t accept that to be the only reason he asks that of us. It doesn’t matter why, though. He asks us to forgive, so I must forgive.

Do I need to tell Him what I’m forgiving them for? What if I don’t know? I know I’m angry. I know I’ve unfollowed them all on Facebook to prevent me from letting one picture make me miserable, but why? Am I angry because they made me feel unworthy? Am I angry because they mislead me and my family? Am I angry because of how Brandon treated me and am blaming everyone that bears his last name?

Or is it deeper than that? Pastor taught about how confusion leads to division. He said we spend time being hurt over things that never happened. Grantross never told me that he disapproves of me as wife. I just assumed that because his aunt did, she taught him to do the same. It’s scary to give him a mind of his own, though. It’s easier to lump them all together. It leaves no room for mistakes.

Something worth documenting is the fact that all the things Elise, Brandon’s mother, said, she said with the understanding that I would never hear her. When she referred to where I slept as the “devil’s bed,” was that really any different than me referring to Kariston as a “dope whore?” You see, I said that in anger. I was angry with Kariston for hurting my husband. I was doing what I thought was best to console him. Was Elise not doing the same? Was she not trying to protect Brandon from falling into sin using language she thought he’d fear?

Doesn’t all of this sound silly now? Michelle, Melissa, Craig, George (etc. McGregors) have never done anything to hurt me. Here is a list of the guilty: Joann, Elise, Marie, Greg, Donovan, Chantelle, Yolunde, Emily, and Brandon. All the rest are only guilty because of their last name. I’ve turned this into much more than it’s worth. My brother is the one that actually began this healing. I was listing their offenses to him and he kept interrupting saying things like “Yes, but isn’t that your fault?” Now, his uninformed bias was wrong but what he was trying to tell me was not: none of it matters now. I will do what’s necessary to assure I soon feel the same.

dry

I’ve been writing in my journal lately. I find it healthy, however, I find it necessary to also keep my tumblr updated. With that said, my life is one casualty after another. Perhaps that’s an exaggeration. Allow me to explain. I have yet to move back home, just stalling really. I know that when I get moved back in nothing will have changed. I’ll be put in the middle of my parents marriage. I’ll be required to do everything around the house because apparently, my sister is too sensitive to be upset at all. The lady is still in my life. My hands are dry and I want a cigarette.

pharaphernalia

Mint chocolate chip to the right, chapstick to the left, looking good.  Except, I need a towel and my towels are in the washer right now.  I’ll probably just roll around on my bed.  What am I saying?  Maybe I should go.

“You mean more to me than anyone else has. Love, Justin.” I’m so blessed. To make this sweet surprise even more rad, he left an orange sucker with a cricket, of sorts, frozen inside. Who does that? I think I’m in love.

*others

precipitation

It’s 1:41 am and it’s raining outside. No one will ever know what the sound of rain drops hitting the ground means to me, but I’ll try to explain. When I was on heroin, I drove a beat up Toyota with no drivers side window. Every morning I’d wake up hoping it was dry outside. Regardless of the weather, rain, sleet, or snow, I’d still have to drive downtown to cop. Otherwise, I’d be miserably dope sick, unable to get out of bed. Back then, I didn’t watch the news because regardless of what that weather man said, I still had to go out and drive in it. Today, however, is different. Today I can watch the news, see that a storm is coming and plan ahead. Today I have a choice as to whether or not I drive in the current conditions. Hearing the rain tap the asfalt over and over again reminds me that I have a choice. It reminds me that I don’t ever have to use again. It reminds me that I made bad choices, but I’m not a bad person. It reminds me to help overs in this journey of recovery. It reminds me I lived through many things I shouldn’t have. It reminds me that I’m a miracle. It reminds me that we do recover.

puppet

My day has been rather monotonous.  My mother informed me that her and my father have decided that I don’t get my car until I have 90 days clean. It sounds like bullshit to me because there are so many reasons as to why having my car in the near future would help my recovery. I could go to my own meetings, get a better job, and have the immediate opportunity to leave a situation if I feel uncomfortable. I hate the way they’re going about this shit. They make me feel like I have no control like a fucking puppet. Instead of letting me get clean because I want to they are doing everything in their power to squeeze me into making the decision they think is best. Like, for example, saying if I don’t go to this certain halfway house they won’t help with rent anymore, or saying I can’t have my car until I have 90 days so that ultimately I have to stay clean if I ever want to move forward in life. Now I know that’s true and I’d stay clean regardless but I want to be in control of that. I want to make the decision for myself and not have them pulling strings until I do it the way they think I should. Now, I know they’re just doing what they think is best and only because they love me. I also know that there is not a damn thing I can do to change the way they’re running my life. That’s why it bothers me, too. One of the perks to getting clean is having  control of your life but I don’t get that. It makes me feel so hopeless without the slightest opportunity to think for myself because it doesn’t matter what they think my parents are doing their very best to make sure I only act of their thoughts. I’ve realized that even though I keep gaining sober mail friends, it’s almost always going to end the same way. They start listening to your bullshit and hear you cry but in a few weeks time after they see that they’ve gained your friendship if that’s even what they’re calling it, they’re no longer so concerned with what’s on your mind. I really enjoy talking to Wesley but he’s become rather apathetic to my little issues. It could be because most of the time I call crying it’s over something I’ve already cried to him about before.  I can say that it doesn’t matter how many times a friend calls me upset about the same thing I am still there with the same love and patience as I was for the first phone call.  However, I can’t expect everyone to feel the same way about how you should treat your friends as I do. And it’s not like he’s just ugh fuck I’ve heard this before he just doesn’t seem to be as interested in making sure I feel better once the conversation is over. My boyfriend (or lack there of) and I had a bit of a better day. I am really hard on him and I always realize that the next day you know that I had acted a fool so I apologize to him. The I wonder why he doesn’t like talking on the phone as much as he used to.  I also have to take into account that this is just as hard if not harder for him as it is to me. I’m locked up and can’t see him but he’s out in the world able to do whatever he wants except see me which is what we both want most. It’s easier for me because I know I can’t see him or anyone unless I sneak around but he doesn’t understand that so he gets in his head thinking I just don’t want to try to see him. We also keep missing each other. On the days I can make something work so we can see each other, he can’t. And vice versa, you know because his mother still hates me.  And now I find out I won’t have a vehicle for three months which means it will be hard on us for another 3 months rather than one month because that’s what my parents had told me originally I’m sure the thought crosses his mind just like it does mine, are we going to be able to make it through this? But I just remind myself that if it’s meant to be we can make it through anything which I believe we can. I just need to be patient with him. It’s like we’re in a long distance relationship.  I’ve just to relax and remember that if I make it through this we will have such a beautiful life that I’ll look back and laugh at these unfortunate events. I love him so much and I can honestly say I’ve never felt this way about any other man and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. We’ve been together for 3 years today. I’m going back to Phases. I called and told her I’d come back if I could keep my phone rather than having it taken again for the first 30 days and she agreed that I can have it until at least 730 so I can handle that for 30 days, I think. And I pray he can too. I know he loves me I just hope it’s enough to carry us through these hard times because it will will be worth it. This post is a mess and scrambled and djeiwbdofoew. Okay, bye.