Stay, Good Girl.

..what do you want from me?

I suppose the reason I’m not honest with you is because I don’t trust you.  Please, make me trust you.  Your intentions are blurred from where I stand. 

This glass house is slowly shattering.

Traffic is so unpredictable.  I left at the same time I have been and I got here fourty minutes early.

I stay up late on school nights because I know regardless I won’t get enough sleep so why try when either way I’ll be extra tired.

He confused me last night.  I think he saw my hip because everything was going smoothly then all of a sudden he seemed kind of awkward and I saw him look I just don’t know if he actually saw it or not.  Either way, in is in.  After that there’s no backing out unless you wan me to be crazy and apparently he did.  We ended things like I should’ve started them.  After that I laid close to his chest, listening to his heart beat pretending to sleep because I could tell he was exhausted.  I loved his smell.  It’s created a memory in me you know?  It seems to be a weird smell to love.  I want to know who I am to him but asking him might scare him away.

I was talking to a friend, telling her I’ll be home around noon unless I have a lunch date with my friend.  She said, “oh is that how you get all these dates?  Get a boyfriend and theyre all ready for action?"  I said "yes, exactly  .Except your boyfriend has to always want you naked, and he isn’t ashamed to say you owe him that.  He has to expect you to stay christian while at the same time, expecting what I mentioned above.  His family needs to dislike you to some extent.  And you have to be extremely misunderstood.  See, it’s easy babe."  That’s sad, but mostly true.  It’s a hard knock life.  I wonder though, if all boys are the same it’s just I haven’t been with any other one long enough for them to show their true colors.  I’m ten kinds of in love with him, so none of that matters for now.

Everyday, I think about what they did.  And I still can’t wrap my head around how in the hell she let herself do that to me when she claimed to love me so very much.  I know I was a bitch but that was when she started treating me like a child.  That was when her, him, and me would all hang out together.  That was when I saw it coming but hoped to God I was wrong.  I tell her everytime we fight about it that the only way I will ever get over it is to get her out of my life.  She says that would kill her.  Yeah, just like she almost killed me.  She asks why I’ve changed.  I tell her because the me that she met a year ago died when the heart break started.  She believes that I can change back.  I know I’ll never be the same.  Ever.

To those who have stabbed me in the back in someway or another, go to hell.  You took the only part of me people liked and burnt it at the stake.

“It’s not always necessary to be strong, but to feel strong.”

— Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild (via wnq-quotes)

peripheral vision

Being that I am in fact a junkie, and perhaps I always will be, I will think about using on daily basis or at least for the first few months, I think.  You know, you can take the needle out of the vein but you can’t stop the vein from flowing to/from my heart.  It’s still rather frightening that I will always be one mistake short of ruining everything I’ve worked for, crushing my parents once again, and counting the breaths I take because deep down I know they’re numbered again. I want more than anything else to rid my mind/body of the suffocating desire to use drugs.  I can’t sincerely say that I will never use or drink again. I can say for the next 24 hours I will not pick up, though even if I have to shorten that oath to an hour. I’m sick of lying and I’m sick of trying and I’m sick of dying. I know that’s not the life I want so why the fuck do I spend the better half of my day mourning the loss of my dearest heroine?  That’s where the disease aspect of my addiction comes in. I am better than the life I was living but I still can’t help but wonder if I am capable of living any other way. That is insane. I was raised better than the obsession I’ve been cursed with. So, it must be a disease because that’s not who I am.  The mental obsession makes you feel sick to your stomach because it’s not a normal human emotion. I got to spend two days with my boyfriend while I was home. I really enjoyed myself and so did he. It’s like it recharged our love for each other. We knew we were in love and that hadn’t changed, we were just having a hard time believing our love was capable of enduring these hard times. But we know now that we will be stronger for it.  The only thing that could stop us is if one of us got in a bad binge again that we couldn’t recover from. Time heals all wounds but you have to be willing to give the wound time to heal and not continuing scratching at it.  I am really happy with him. I’ve only been back at Phases for 3 days and it’s already getting hard again wondering what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with but I do trust him and I’ve got to let go of the jealousy of anyone else getting to spend time with him. He’s not going to cheat on me period, bitches be damned.  We made love all night and it was so beautiful. He makes me feel things I’ve never felt with anyone else not to mention that he is the best sex I’ve ever had or ever will have. He goes out of his way to make me feel sexy, beautiful, and never ceases to amaze me with the joy he brings in my heart. As corny as this all sounds I’m so in love with him. He is my heart and I am his, you can’t live without your heart. I just pray that my father will eventually accept the love we have for each other. If he makes me choose the right thing is to choose my father but truth be told I would just continue to be with jess behind his back. I love them both so much I’m not willing to live without either one of them. I’m not sure if I mentioned that the halfway house I’ve been staying at, Phases, called and offered to give me another chance.  I said I’d come as kong as I could have my phone and they agreed. But when I got back this program is something like 12 people under. So many people and relapsed and left that there’s hardly anyone left. So is that why she offered for me to come back, because they needed the money? Or was it genuinely because they want me to succeed and want me here as a person as well.  Either way my mother doesn’t want me staying here. She wants me to go to Recovery Community.  And I actually kind of want to go there too.  You can be in a relationship there and your curfew is 10 PM and you get to keep your cell phone and it’s just all around more laid back from what I hear. Now, it could’ve been represented falsely to me because the source that offered that information isn’t exactly reliable. I’m going to call to get put on the waiting list tomorrow and I’ll ask those questions. My job is beginning to be too much. I’m perfectly capable of following a schedule but when you expect me to jump when you says it’s not fair. I make plans or just want to relax on my days off and it never fails that he will call me in. Yesterday I just ignored his calls all day. The night before I did say that if he really needed someone that I would come in but I was naive enough to believe that whoever was scheduled might actually come in. So I slept in and just didn’t answer. I should have because I said I’d come in but I just needed a break. To be honest I’ve just been too depressed to get out of bed since I’ve been back. I’m hoping that’s because I missed a couple days of taking my medication and that it will get better since I’m back on it but I really don’t know. I’m lonely again. My new roommates are older and never home. When I was staying at the main house there was always something going on and someone to talk to.  And my roommates there had gotten to the point to where they enjoyed my company or at least enjoyed laughing at the things I said. My house manager said I needed to spread my wings from the main house. I’m not sure if that because she trusts me more, or if she just doesn’t care if I do well as long as I’m paying rent, or maybe she just thinks I’m happy enough with myself that it doesn’t matter where I’m at and who’s there with me.  Either way this isn’t working out so well. And Idk if another halfway house will fix this funk but it’s worth a try. I fear that perhaps I’m running away from my problems by moving but I just know that something definitely needs to be different if I expect myself to make it further this time. Plus, I’ll get to be with Jess much more. And with that dirt bag Clint tried to take advantage of me and what Crissy got me into and the friends I’ve lost here, I just want to join another circle of recovery. That might be immature but I’m just desperate to be at least content with who I am because I’m just not happy. I love my parents so much it’s insane and that’s the only thing that’s working out. My father isn’t really talking to me because I spent time with Jess (my boyfriend, by the way) but my mother is my best friend again and for that I am grateful. I mean I’m like really grateful I am blessed with the best parents anyone could ever dream of. As a matter of fact it’s actually making me tear up which is okay because it’s motivation to give this sobriety shit a try. I need to do it for myself but if I’m doing it for them I’m at least doing it and I know that eventually I’ll get to where I’m doing it for me again because that’s how it went before I relapsed. And don’t get me wrong. I am so blessed and believe it or not with I take a moment to think I am more grateful than I’ve ever been.

This one time, I wore eye liner..

“That was the thing about secrets—you had to carry them with you forever, no matter what the cost.”

— Kass Morgan, The 100

connect

Tonight my rich friend Jenn was supposed to do her buy with Big Sam. She said she wasn’t feeling well and the bank wouldn’t let her withdrawal the remaining 700$she needed in order to have the full amount. Jessie notified Sam and he his so pissed. Jess said we might have lost a good connect over this. He is definitely a good person to have on your side but they come and go. I doubt I’ll feel the same way when it the time come that I need something. We rescheduled for tomorrow. That should make us about 175$. I hope she gets me this job. 11.50$ an hour is really good for me. Especially considering it’ll be a normal 9-5 job. I’m meeting Jenn when she gets off work at Pat’s and were going to hang out there until the boys get off work. She’s seven years older than me and calls me her “bestie”. I never quite liked that word. I wonder if she’s sure of my age. I suppose I seem mature to her somehow? I’m not though, just old souled. Dear God, please keep Jessie out of jail. Thank you. I love you, amen. I’ve been speeding about five nights a week at Jessie’s. I’ve really started to get comfortable with the long term idea. I just want to wait until I have a job. I don’t like having to ask Jess for money every time I want something, which is unfortunately often. I just got an idea, love you bye.

nameless

I’ve still been hanging out on the wild side.  But I really am about to get a hold of things.  I’ve decided I needed to take my life step by step.  I realize that what I am doing isn’t exactly right but I’m figuring things out for myself.  In my opinion I haven’t had the opportunity to do that.  My dad has been blaming himself for the way I’ve been acting.  That hurts.  I am a human being, and “adult”.  I am now responsibile for myself.  My parents have been amazing to me.  And I can only pray to be like them when I grow up.  I need them to understand that.  Perhaps there are somethings some people just can’t understand.  I feel like I do well in seeing their side of things and understanding why they feel that way, but I still agree to disagree. 

So far the plan is to start saving mad money and after my birthday.  For a while I will stay in the little appartment in granma’s house.  I’ll pay rent too and I’m going to start paying for my phone.  One thing I have to accomplish between now and then I’ve got figure out a way for my parents to let me use my car still.  If they don’t I won’t be able to move out.  They’re starting to ease up on the idea of it, which is good.  As far as the rules until then, I’m going to have to keep spending time with them to slowly make them understand my side.  My dad did admit last night that he completely realizes how wrong he is in the way he’s been acting.  Saying he was going to beat my best friends ass because he happened to be around when I got caught messed up.  He was there hanging out with my brother and when my dad came down stairs he was literally pulling anthony out of the bed telling him that they needed to go.  What’s strange is two days after the incident my dad said that Rowdy was being somewhat of a good guy trying to leave.  Then by the end of the week he freaked out.  He says I am not allowed to hang out with him, he’s not allowed to be in my car, and he doesn’t want me speaking to him.  Seriously?  He knows nothing about him.  All he knows is he has some fun on occasion.  He said everything else is based on intuition.  I understand that but he still deserves a chance.  I am determined to get him that chance.  Dad knows he doesn’t have a car or a job.  Well, his car broke down, therefore he lost his job. Don’t get me wrong, I know his reputation is not the best but now that I’m on the inside I understand more.  That doesn’t make it right but I just get it.  I would rather have “bad” friends that treat me like a real friend than “good” people who only pretend to be my friend.  Amen.

Last week I had a bit of a break down on my way home from school.  It’s really changed me.  I suddenly realized getting used really was getting to me.  Somewhat subconsciencely I suppose.  I cried more than I’d like to admit then came to the realization that if what I’ve been doing isn’t working out like I want it, try something new.  Of course.  I am happy to say I have successfully said no three times to those risky little invites.  And I have just not responded twice.  That’s good I think.

Lately.  He started liking her and that got him to back off me a bit. It’s not like I hated him I just didn’t want to date him.  And as for him, I’ve heard he said he liked me, ha.  He just acts so idk, half and half.  I have noticed changes but not enough for me to believe in him.  Friends for now.

Wow, I didn’t mention Brandon once in all that.

alright, hey

Since my brother and his girlfriend have been using my computer, the internet has gotten significantly slower.  That is frustrating, but what can you do.  I’ll say something to them, and have dad look at it but apparently, they “need” it.  Though I do remember a time or two coming into their room while they were watching a movie on it.

I haven’t been able to write lately.  My life seems to be busy with work, school, church, and “friends”. I suppose I could squeeze some writing time in but my room is so uncomfortable to do hardly anything in.  I’m in the process of redoing it though so perhaps that should help.

Apparently, the word “suppose” is sexy.  In what sentences I wonder?  I’m not all that sure.  But that’s what he says.  He says I have so many odd tendencies.  He says even silent I am hyper.  He sees the things I struggle with through observation.  I’m not all that sure I’ve ever been friends with someone who cared enough to notice these things about me.  He hasn’t heard anything about me so his opinion he forms of me will be completely his.  Not like where I live.  There everyone has an idea in their head about who I am before I meet them.  Which is not good because who I am is so much different then what I do.  What I do alone makes me sound like I am a completely different person.  What I do makes me sound selfish, mean, ruthless, wreckless, slutty, and lord knows what else.  But who I am deep down is different to some extent.  I care.  I hurt.  I need.  I want.  But when it comes down to it, ‘you can sin or spend the whole night alone’.  What ends up happening is just the price I have to pay for company.  It’s pathetic really but for now that’s what I do.  I mean they won’t let me cut, so it’s back to boys.  Theres also a huge difference between who I am, who I need to be, and who I pretend to be.  During the day, usually, I am persistantly who I need to be.  I need to be strong, and take care of everyone. Who I am, is a simple, sad innocent little girl who just wants to be happy.  And who I pretend to be is coldhearted, wreckless, and carelss.  That makes three differnt me’s.  He says that’s too exhausting.  He says the way to fix it is to start over fresh.  Get everyone who is negatively effecting me out of my life.  That’s not very possible right now.  I probably should have moved to a further college to get out.  I don’t want to leave my parents because I don’t know how long I’ll have them.  And all the adults tell me the smartest thing to do is to live at home as long as possible.  Sometimes, even if what they’re saying is true, it’s incredibly hard to listen to people be so mean to eachother.  The night I decide I’m going to stay in bed happens to be the night brother and his girlfriend fight in the hall by my room.  He said she was a bitch and he wanted one of her xanax.  She said he’s a junkie and she hates him.  He said "yeahh, why don’t you go buy some more pills from your mom?  And she said, “why don’t you go snort another pill."  Then they went to seperate ends of the house.  Minutes later, I heard him crush it and snort it in the kitchen.  I try not to listen to them but sometime I feel like I have to just incase something bad happens.  Lauren got him a pistol.  That scares mom, but he threatened to tell dad mine and her secret if she told dad about the gun.  She gets so upset over that.  Before work she was texting me over and over telling me about how I never should have told him, and how she’s so upset, how it makes her sick, I told her I would handle it.  And I will.  I only told him because we were having a brother sister moment and I was trying to get him to consider stopping the way he’s living his life.  Obviously it did no good.  Just another way I’ve messed things up in my life as well as others.  I can fail before I even try. 

What do you want from me?

Cracker Barrel is nice.  I like jobs that keep you busy, and working with people who aren’t sixteen.  I do better in a structured environment. 

I think my parents did a fine job raising me.  Some say, they were too protective and some say I didn’t get in trouble enough.  Oh, whatever.  Live and learn. 

awake

I’ve been sleeping all day. This medication is keeping me tired, but I can’t let it keep me in bed. I’m staying in bed not only because I’m tired but bc I don’t want to be awake and that is not okay. I have everything to be awake for. I have to keep in mind that ten plus hours is plenty of sleep. Physically, I am capable of staying up for the day.