*after That Dead Apple Scene*

Dazai: Please don't tell anyone but I think I'm a little bit in love with Chuuya.

Atsushi, who genuinely believed the two of them had been married for the past 7 years: ???

Atsushi: Oh.

Dazai: Now I'll arrange our security.

Atsushi: Why?

Dazai: The mission is dangerous and we're hot. The enemy will want us for our info and our boddies.

Atsushi: Our info maybe...

Dazai: Speak for yourself kitten...

Dazai: Now I'm calling the only man who can fuck me.

Atsushi: What???😨

Dazai, calling Chuuya: I mean, who can protect me...us...

Atsushi: Ugh. 🤦‍♂️

Chuuya, picking up: What now?

Dazai: Well hello my big dick chibi.

Chuuya: What

Atsushi: the

Chuuya: fuck

Atsushi: Dazai!

Dazai: Language everyone!

Stormbringer!Dazai: My kink is doing stupid shit and watching Chuuya speed-run the five stages of grief as he realises that he still wants to do yaoi stuff with me.

Dazai, pulling out an engagement ring: Got it a week after we first met.

Chuuya:

Chuuya, also pulling out a ring: Got it yesterday.

Dazai: I’m an excellent driver.

Chuuya: You almost ran over a woman by accident.

Dazai, remembering how that woman smiled at Chuuya flirtatious: Ah yes… by accident… yes.

Akutagawa: Atsushi hasn't text me back and it's been 15 minutes :(

*meanwhile*

Atsushi: Dazai, does "beautiful" have 3 or 4 O's?

Dazai, fully aware of how to spell beautiful: It has 4.

*married soukoku au*

Chuuya: I dont understand. I thought we were on the same page about kids. We talked about this.

Dazai: We did?

*flashback*

Chuuya: Aw, look at these pictures of Q and Elise.

Chuuya: *shows photos of the kids in a water park*

Dazai: Mm.

Chuuya: We should do this someday. What do you think?

Dazai: Are you kidding me? Of course!

*end of flashback*

Dazai: I was talking about going to the water park! You were talking about having kids???

Chuuya: Yeah! I said, "Do you think we can afford it?" and you said, "We'll start saving right away."

Dazai: So you mean, all that water park money I've been saving, you want to spend it on kids now?

Dazai: *has music loud while dancing in the middle of the office*

Kunikida, turning down the volume: Get back to work, now Dazai!

Dazai: How dare you, Iago, Backstabber?

Kunikida: I'm surprised you've read Othello.

Dazai: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Ango: They say partners can never be just friends. It's always sexual.

Dazai: *scoffs* That's dumb. Look at me and Chuuya. There's nothing sexual between us.

Oda:

Ango:

Dazai: What the hell are you doing?

Chuuya, reading Dazai's diary: Sus, be quiet. It's an enemies to lovers very good book.

Dazai: It's not what you think.

Chuuya: Damn, so you're in love with somebody else named Chuuya? What were the odds?!