Quiet Anxiety But Not Enough To Stand Up And Do The Thing

Things I remember reading online that I wish I had screenshotted: Story of a trans guy, estranged from family, who got an invitation to his sister's wedding, but their parents had specified that he'd better come in a dress or not come at all. But they hadn't seen him in almost 7 years and didn't know that not only was he on T and had surgeries, he's a passionate weightlifter.

So if I remember right he sent the sister a heads-up beforehand and the sister was like "holy shit do it", and he showed up in a pink, frilly dress, and sneakers. No makeup, jewellery or anything, just this bulky, hairy dude in a dress for no particular reason.

Their parents, naturally, still got mad despite of him following their exact, specific instructions in order to "not embarrass the family", and after the wedding the sister made sure to pick as many photos of the wedding as possible with the brother visible in them, because it was now a funny family story of bringing the family together by pissing the shit out of their parents.

Believe me, I’ll try

i’m gonna become a naruto villain so naruto will punch me and tell me i’m actually a good person inside

i think it's so fun that "damn" is such a casual curse word now that it's basically become divorced completely from its original meaning. like oops i dropped my phone, time to invoke the wrath of god about it in the most mildly annoyed tone of voice imaginable.

cats are ideal bc they're gods most autistic creatures

stop freaking out about getting old and start planning out what kind of old person you're gonna be

I can’t sleep so I’m going to talk about the term ‘favorite’ historically and why it’s making me lose my mind for merthur (and because I have to link anything I read or watch to them).

Merlin was Arthur’s favorite. There’s no debate really about it and it’s very much canon, because historically, and quoting Wikipedia, “the feelings of the monarch for the favourite ran the gamut from simple faith in the favourite’s abilities to various degrees of emotional affection and dependence, and sometimes even encompassed sexual infatuation,” which excluding the last part and even if you don’t ship merthur romantically, it’s Arthur and Merlin’s relationship explained in a sentence. 

Now, hear me out, everyone in Camelot must’ve realized Merlin was Arthur’s favorite at some point. I think it must’ve been common knowledge in s5. So no problem there really, but what about Merlin? He didn’t grow up in Camelot, let alone in court. Uther never had a favorite anything as far as I know, and so it must’ve went over his head completely when he’d hear people describe him as Arthur’s favorite, because he’s Arthur’s favorite what? do they mean favourite servant? favourite friend? Being Merlin, he must’ve had no idea of the political or social ramifications of the title at all and thought it was just something he was called because he was close to Arthur.

I’ve heard people in the fandom talk about visiting people to Camelot being puzzled about Merlin’s station or role, but imagine them being told he was the king’s favourite just off the bat. Merlin doesn’t think much of it, but favourites have historically been envied and loathed by nobility, especially those of higher station than the favorite, because a lot of favourites have historically been from humble or minor backgrounds and have been elevated by royal favour. Many favorites have been assassinated, even had been executed or forced to retire by monarchs due to political pressure. Imagine how Merlin who probably never wanted a higher position in Arthur’s court embracing the title favorite because yes, Arthur is his favourite too, so what if he’s called Arthur’s favourite? and having double the attention on him because of that, because once you’ve been named favourite, there’s no going back. 

But also, Arthur’s reaction hearing people call Merlin his favorite, like he has never thought about it before. Merlin? I mean yeah, he accepted that Merlin is his best friend for life and the best advisor he’d ever have, but his favourite? He’s never given Merlin land or money, but that’s because the idiot wouldn’t accept them. Why would people assume he was Arthur’s favourite? Arthur would have a literal mental breakdown for about a week and then come to the conclusion that he didn’t really care. 

That’s at least until Merlin barges into his chambers one day, face red and panting from running up the stairs after someone finally explained to him what being a king’s favourite actually means and Merlin just being horrified because he wasn’t a bootlicker and because he was going to kill Arthur and then everyone’ll see who’s really the clotpole’s favourite, but then Arthur himself starts blushing and avoiding Merlin’s eyes and says he had nothing to do with it, that people assumed and he never corrected them because well, you are my favourite, aren’t you?

and now it’s Merlin who’s speechless, because yes, he was, wasn’t he? Arthur was his favourite as well, so what’s changed? 

and I have no idea where I’m going with this but Merlin as Arthur’s favorite owns my entire heart 🥺

things I read about favorites that I love and have reminded me of merthur:

favorites have been compared to mushrooms because they would spring up suddenly overnight (and now I’m imagining Merlin hearing people calling him a mushroom and just losing his mind because what the hell arthur).

“Like favourites/ Made proud by Princes" Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing.

“One who stands unduly high in the favour of a prince,” the definition of a favourite according to the Oxford English Dictionary. 

At first I was like “If he deduced you were trans, wouldn’t he deduce you hadn’t figured it out yourself as well” but… he probably wouldn’t have. that thought didn’t pass through his brain at all.

Whether someone is trans or not is not something the average person can decipher, although someone observant can certainly infer if someone is on the closet because of context clues, how they behave around different people and certain topics they might “close off” around. I can’t really tell if someone is a closeted gay, aromantic, asexual or trans, but my gaydar tells me that person is queer. However, Sherlock Holmes would probably never question it, for how could someone not deduce such a basic fact about their own identity by themselves, and would leave you in a gender crisis. That’s why he needs Watson, who would be very carefully listening to the exchange and would probably have a bit of a more empathetic approach.

sherlock holmes deduces you are trans before you've figured it out yourself and refers to you with those pronouns and then when you look confused is like "ah...had you not arrived at that conclusion yet?" and wafts away in his dressing gown to smoke seventeen pipes, leaving you in a gender crisis

do you ever read a piece of fanfic that is just so fucking spectacular that makes you actually feel things? 

boy, i swear to god, i’m so goddamn grateful for every single one of you writers, yall literally giving us entertainment for free almost every goddamn week; and this is not only for those gracious magnificent bastards that are practically gods because they’ve perfected (and keep developing) their craft, this is also to that little (and equally amazing) writer that is just starting and might not be the best at it, you my friend keep writing because practice makes perfect, don’t stop writing if that’s what makes you happy. i just want all of yall to know that i appreciate you so goddamn much and yall the fucking best

to every fanfic writer out there: i love you, u crazy motherfucker

rant that no one asked for!!!

“no plan” from “wasteland, baby!” by hozier is SO GOOD. that shit changed my life like-

nihilism has been a top trend among my generation(gen z), and honestly it’s no shock. we were born into a burning world(both literally and figuratively!!) where trying to pursue our dreams means giving up EVERYTHING. money, time, relationships, living life. of course, this isn’t to say previous generations didn’t have to make sacrifices, it’s that gen z basically has to choose between following their dreams and being able to survive.

and then there’s the end of the universe, which will likely be a heat death. where the universe will have reached its maximum state of entropy and all hot things(or things with more energy) move to colder places(or places with less energy). and then, everything will be dark again; a parallel to how our universe was born.

and hozier illiterates both of these ideas of nihilism and the death of the universe beautifully, saying “everything will end anyways, and we’re so lucky to be here right now, so who cares?” for me, it’s an oddly hopeful thing, knowing that i will not be remembered at the end of the universe, so why care? as hozier says “there will be darkness again.”

and of course, he has amazing political/religious commentary. a few lines(i.e., “there’s no kingdom to come;” “there’s no hands on the reigns”) make direct jabs at religion- mostly christianity as we se sin other hozier songs like “take me to church” but that’s for another day!!

in all, this is one of the most underrated hozier songs and that is a CRIME. so listen to it right now, listen to the lyrics and just vibe man.

Roasted chicken, ginger, daikon, shiitake mushroom soup with lime, cilantro, broccoli sprouts, and rice noodles