Vitus Hadn't Built The Walls, Those Were Under Construction Long Before Him, But He'd Been The One To
Vitus hadn't built the walls, those were under construction long before him, but he'd been the one to slide under as it sealed shut. Like an action hero. Then, his betrayal had simply melded it in place. Opening up would mean pain, and no amount of therapy had successfully opened the cage that protected her heart, her very brittle, fragile heart.
She hadn't meant to break him--or maybe she had. But she had meant every word. Sleepless nights spent at his side pressing all the broken pieces back together, solid when he shook, warm when he was too exhausted to fall easily into dreams, a breath when he couldn't find air. There was never anywhere else she wanted to be. The irony of the Lighthouse in view wasn't lost on her. She had tried to be a light in the storm, a guide back home. Even when it got complicated, it was easy. And it wasn't enough.
She wanted answers. Answers he couldn't offer, ones she wasn't even sure would make her feel better. "Deep breaths," she whispered, cursing herself for showing him any mercy. She had sworn to herself she wouldn't if they were ever to cross paths again, but they were the same broken. "You need to find out why," she said, "the people you'll keep hurting until you do, they deserve that."
His promise that he did love her went unacknowledged because she did know he had, but it hadn't been real. Real love, if it existed, did not do what he did. She simply chose to no longer believe. Part of her would have given him her hand, let him find comfort in it. In her. But she couldn't, she had to protect herself first. No one else was going to.
"Please stop saying sorry," she breathed out, a single stray tear sliding down her cheek unchecked, "you had reason to worry, and I know I have punished you enough. But I don't want your apology. You broke my heart, you broke my trust, you made my nightmare a reality. Someone newer, shinier, thinner, prettier, more exciting, whatever it was. I know you said it wasn't me, and I know that, but you can see how I'll struggle with that anyway, right? I asked you for faithfulness, a lot of other people make different arrangements. You could have just told me you didn't want to do that anymore." She was circling back to the question that screamed in echos within her mind. Why, why, why. And there was no why. With an exhale, she let it go out with the waves retreating back into the ocean. At least for now. "Deep breaths, Vitus, take deep breaths."
Vitus had hoped for something softer, with her, after all these years. Time had a way of doing that—taking the bite out of memories, until the once-visceral pain turned phantom, like a long-gone limb. But Leyla's eyes didn't melt into her core like his own did. Her voice didn't compress and fold itself over, bowing under the weight of him. No, Leyla remained as hardened and sharp as the day he lost her.
Out on the beach in broad daylight, the last event of summer buzzing around him, Vitus was trying his best not to cry. But then she said that—You were easy to love. Why wasn't that enough?—and the thing in his chest quit howling long enough to crumble. It punched a shuddering breath out of his lungs. Vitus wrapped his arms around himself, trying to stabilize, as the first tears finally tipped over and fell down his face.
He had never thought himself easy to love, but especially not when he was in his twenties, and especially not when they met. Leyla had held him on the bathroom floor while his hands shook, on the tail end of a coke comedown. She'd seen him crawl into bed at four in the morning, exhausted and empty after draining sessions with his clients. She'd let him cry into the cradle of her neck after a day's worth of panic attacks as he tried to build a new place in his life for his parents. And through it all, she'd loved him. She'd loved him, she'd loved him. And he'd loved her too, because she knew what it was, to live like that. To be shredded and unwilling to look at her pieces long enough to reassemble them.
And yet. He'd still cheated on her. And then he'd done it again, and again, and again, to other partners that came after her. How many people had come up against his fever, promised to love him through it, only to end up burning to death in his arms?
"I don't... know. I mean, yes, but it wasn't you," he said again, speaking through the guilt pouring down his cheeks. Vitus pawed at his face, if only to save her the sight of him like that, but it didn't quite work. "Nothing is ever enough. I don't know why. I wish I could tell you, but I don't—Something in me is just—" He gestured at his sternum, trying to indicate the ache in there, the beast that had been demanding more more more for as long as he could remember. "I know how much you loved me. And I loved you like that too. I really did."
To make matters worse—Leyla's lips quivered, too, and Vitus immediately wanted to step forward. He wanted to reach, offer his open palm to her, say what can I give you? just like he did the night they met. He didn't. He stayed in place, battered by guilt over the fact that he had broken her so severely ten years ago that she still didn't believe in love, still couldn't talk to him without crying.
"I'm sorry. I'm really glad you're doing better. I worried about you, a lot, after—" A sniffle. Another hand across his face, as if he could wipe his identity right off of himself, bury it in the sand, and start fresh as someone new. "I'm so sorry, Leyla. I know it can't fix anything. But I just—I never stopped being sorry."
More Posts from Leyla-tehrani and Others
"I've heard that about pregnancy," Leyla said, "but I can't say I blame you on the French Toast. I don't have the biggest sweet tooth, but I will cave for some of that, especially with a raspberry compote on top."
It was important to her that everyone have a place where they can feel safe. Though it seemed like the small town provided a lot of that already, she still wanted to be adding to that, not taking away. "Exactly, depending on what I'm looking for in a day, and I'm always trying to create new flavors and ideas. After seeing how much the town loves a bonfire, I'm hoping to create something that tastes like s'more."
"I don't know if it's really weird, but my sweet tooth has gotten much worse since," Alice giggled. "So I always want something like ice cream at random hours of the day. I don't know how much of that would be considered to be normal," she grinned. "Well, last week I really wanted some French Toast after dinner..."
Alice smiled. She knew that different people had different reasons for not drinking, and she could respect that. And when she was younger, she could have used that thinking as well. If there were more places like Mawk Tales, she'd probably still have had a lot of fun. She nodded, listening to Leyla list off her different favorite drinks. "Understandable. I get that completely. So you'd say that you'd probably have a different favorite everyday? Nothing wrong with some variety!"
theboldtypetv everything the light touches is our kingdom. happy 20th anniversary @thelionking broadway. 🦁 #lionking20
Leyla paused for a moment, trying to figure out how best to describe the trip which had been a rollercoaster. "Um, it's family," she decided to go more vague, "but I did enjoy connecting more to parts of myself and my family's history." She didn't completely regret going, but she did try to reflect too much. "I enjoyed learning them and then practicing them. I wanted to be connected to all parts of myself, language included, besides I loved learning, always have." The work had always made sense before the people. "I hope so," she remarked. She did want to leave an impact on the town with her business, a good one. "I'll add it to my list," she said, all the more wanting to go based on his recommendation. "We're alike in that, sometimes new beginnings are important. Clear the slate and build something you're proud of, which you clearly have."
"Oh!" he nodded his head with understanding when she mentioned that her parents were Iranian, that it had been a trip to visit relatives. "Did you enjoy it, getting to visit family?" Sometimes it was a pleasure visit, sometimes you wanted to pull your hair out. Rafael had family in both Italy and Mexico, loved to visit both, but knew that by the end of it, sometimes he was happy to get back home and not be social. For a little while, anyway. "That's very handy, being able to speak both languages. I know from experience that it's always respected and appreciated when you visit a place and speak to the people in their own language, rather than expecting them to understand yours." Maybe not something entirely possible for everyone, but still worth a shot. "It does, absolutely. You're doing a good thing for the town," he assured her with a sincere smile. "I grew up on the Amalfi Coast, so I'm biased… but highly recommend it," it was, after all, a gorgeous town. Whether living there, or visiting. "A change. I just needed to get out of the city and start over."
"It's one of my mocktails," Leyla explained giddily. Talking about her business and the drinks she made always brightened her day, "it's sort of space-themed. I call it our Galaxy Mocktail. It's got a blue curaçao syrup, grenadine, lemonade, and an orange & sweet lime simple syrup. You make it in two layers, so the purple and blue can sort of swirl together like a galaxy, hence the name. We serve it at Mawk Tales if you ever want to stop by and enjoy one while you read a book or something. What did you bring to read?"
"I'm not sure what you're drinking but it looks absolutely delicious!" She'd been eyeballing the drink in the other person's hand for the majority of the time they'd been sitting next to each other. "Did you make it? And if you didn't do you know what's in it because I wouldn't mind remaking a batch of that. It's almost too pretty to drink." @leyla-tehrani
For all her lack of festiveness, Leyla really did love the view here. If you could drown out all the other noise, the sound of the ocean waves was nice. Looking up from her book as she had company, she smiled warmly, "not at all. Make yourself comfortable. You guys really do make a big thing of the end of summer around here, huh?"
WHO: Rafael & @leyla-tehrani
WHERE: The Beach
WHEN: End of Summer Beach Bash
Rafael did love the beach. Normally, he preferred the quiet afternoons through the week, when there wasn't quite as much noise and fuss, when people could pitch a canopy, lay out a towel, not worry about the world around them. But he couldn't deny that the beach party was still a good time, even with the laughing, screaming kids hanging about. As he took stock of the people nearby, he saw a woman sitting with a book in hand, and figured it was a safe spot, stopping nearby and offering a polite smile. "Mind if I take up a little space next to you?"
"Right. So you do remember?" She said with a warm smile. Good for him. As someone in the customer service business, she always found that to be a highly valuable trait. "I heard about that," she admitted, "I'm considering it actually. I've always wanted one, but I do share custody of my roommates' dogs and I work so much...I'm never sure if I'll have the time." She was really saying too much to the guy just trying to make her coffee. "I think there was worse things to be than a crazy cat lady," she replied with a small laugh, "oh, you definitely shouldn't have! So is the dog Blake Lively or Hugh Jackman?"
Chandler nodded. "Still want that hot and medium, right?" He confirmed, keeping himself busy behind the bar as he continued to talk to her about the pets. "They actually have some adoption event coming up at the end of this week." He informed her and nodded as she commented it was hard not to adopt all of the cats. "Yeah, I also have a dog at home so I'm keeping my limit at one of each 'cause I'm not gonna turn into the crazy cat lady in my neighborhood. But his name is Ryan Reynolds - that was what the shelter named him and I couldn't possibly de-Reynolds him, you know?"
CINNAMON ROLL DAY! -- @aishathevar @emelineviolette @leyla-tehrani
Because you guys are the best adopted dog parents that Walter and Gale could ask for, and also because you deal with me being a man... and that makes you cinnamon rolls in my eyes.
xx Dare
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Leyla. 35. Owner of Mawk Tales and housemate to Aisha, Darrius, and Emeline.
129 posts