Juniper04 - Juniper #04

It's my 5 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

from weheartit

Leo Berne

September2018.png

But it’s October now, babey! Ha ha ha!

Im so tired.

Im so fucking tired.

I just want to be alone and away.

Just for a while.

Maybe forever.

I don’t know.

I’m just tired.

I’m just gonna vent here since I don’t have much engagements or views here. Or that’s what I assume. But nevertheless I just want this off my chest somewhere.

I know I could journal but my fingers can be impatient. And when it’s impatient, my handwriting can be unreadable.

And I feel like online’s better cause it does feel like someone is listening to me, here specifically, and without anyone to respond back. Sounds sad. But I just want to let this out into the world somehow. Like that scene in Tadhana where they screamed their lungs out in Sagada. Many times Iong to do that.

Anyway, this is the third week of working in the weekends. It’s my fault. I’m working two jobs. One is full time, the other is with a Youtuber. I haven’t taken a break. Although, I have been procrastinating. Yet I sleep at 5am, 6am or even 7am.

I feel like I just have no right to complain or ask for breaks. Because I may be the worse human being in a workplace. I am basically losing myself. I am losing who I used to be.

What am I even saying? I think I just need more sleep. That’s why I’m like this.

I dont know. I cant think straight. Theres just so much I want to say coming from my chest but I just can’t express it well right now.

I’m just lost. Gradually losing myself. And I feel like I can’t pick myself back up again. I feel like I let everyone down. Myself down. I just feel pathetic and have no right to exist. Many times i wish to not exist for a while.

I sometimes feel like it is better if I’m not here. I don’t think anyone will care…except for my family and some friends. I just want to just stop.

I think writing this is enough.

I’ll go lie down for a bit and then get back to work.

Breathe

So, I haven’t posted since the last one. Been overwhelmed by work. I’m used to it, but I just don’t like the anxiety that comes with it. 

Depression, most especially. It’s almost unbelievable for me to have it when I am doing something that I love. But I guess, this kind of internal monster doesn’t care in whatever state you are. It comes like a thief in the night. Almost like how death arrives.

Just now, I was working in the office, printing documents and stuff, when I was on my way to my desk, something heavy just sat on me. I almost want to curl into a ball. And I’m like “oh no...please not now”

Just breathe. It’s only temporary. Out of nowhere, images of the future played in my head and gave me some form of anxiety.

It’s amazing how no one can notice a quiet person actually struggling with a chaotic internal battle.

I almost deal with this everyday. And I get tired everyday especially after you’ve been surrounded by a lot of people and talking to them. That when you come home, you’re just absolutley drained. The thoughts would settle in to accompany you. And you don’t know what to expect from them. You’re just numb, til you’re yourself again.

It’s a cycle.

I read somewhere that as someone with mental health issues, they have to learn how to accept it. Because there’s no cure. And to live your life to the fullest, you just have to live through it the best way we can.

And because of that article, I’ve been trying my best to accept that this is how my life is. But sometimes, you just can’t take it. I get tired of it. But again, that’s the way it is and you try your best to get through it in any way you can.

Best tip though: is to have someone who understands and not judge you. Someone just there to listen to you and be there for you. It’s rare to find someone like that.

I hope this post is something.