(4/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])
Honestly, it was a bit heartbreaking to see those early moments in the game when Astarion interacts with someone he perceives as powerful or authoritative - like when he asks Tav for blood or later when he approaches Raphael about the scars on his back. He usually puts up that charming, confident mask, but it drops quickly when he's faced with a powerful figure. His whole behavior shifts into more ingratiating - you can see him bracing himself for a punishment.
The way he interacts with authority figures says a lot. That shift from displayed confidence to careful submissiveness highlights the deep-seated fear and survival instinct still living in him. Astarion’s relationship with power is complicated: when you’ve spent two centuries with it used against you, it becomes something you both fear and long for in equal measure. He expects power to be used against him, he fears what those in power can do to him. So when he seeks power it’s not just out of ambition or greed, it’s a way to protect himself from ever being made helpless again.
It makes his relationship with Tav all the more meaningful - because over time he stops needing that mask around them. He starts to learn that he doesn't have to beg, flatter or manipulate to be safe with them.
This is what makes the scene with Araj so important.
Araj treats Astarion like Tav's property - something to trade, to use for her own fun and pleasure. But Tav can choose to deny that and protect Astarion's right to refuse. And later in camp, Astarion thanks Tav for that choice. Clearly emotional, he confesses that no one has ever respected his boundaries before, that he is not used to having the right to listen to his own feelings… but with Tav, he wants to try.
It's a moment that says so much about how vulnerable he is underneath his defenses - how uneasy he feels when pressured or objectified, and how difficult it still is for him to stand up for himself after centuries of being denied autonomy.
It also shows the difference between Tav offering their blood willingly, and a stranger forcing themselves onto him for their own interests. Astarion responds to one with surprised gratitude - and to the other with clear discomfort. It does matter to him how he's seen - as a person or a tool. He longs to be seen for who he is, not what he was made to be. Even when he himself can't always see the difference yet.
One of the most painful moments between Astarion and Tav happens if they fail to truly see him and push him into something he's not ready for, insisting that he just needs to learn to enjoy it. Even if he hesitates, even if he looks uncomfortable, he still agrees because he doesn't know how to say no yet. And he has to learn it the hard way, when afterwards something in him breaks. He looks at Tav and says: "This is all a game to you, isn't it? No matter what I say, it doesn't matter. Not if you get what you want." He admits he couldn't say no before, but now he finally can, and he ends everything between them. It's not a moment of growth, but rather a moment of retreat - shutting down when his hopes of having something genuine were crushed by the very person who ever seemed to care.
Moments like this show how much Astarion is still learning about himself, about trust, about what it means to be free. And how big is Tav's role in that.
We'll come back to that need to be seen later - but for now, it leads us to another significant moment between Tav and the pale elf, one that deserves a post of its own.
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Just my Tav and Astarion enjoying a peaceful moment in Baldur’s Gate park (someone’s private park but let’s not bring it up 🙈)
My PC wallpapers now✨
Love how this one turned out 🌖✨
*studying at Japanese language school*
*after a weekend of watching Pokémon*
*spacing out*
Sensei: nandaka...
Me: !
Inner voice + bg music + lights:
Nanda kanda iwaretara
Kotaete ageru ga yo no nasake
“But just tonight maybe I’ll rest in peace…”
Yan Wushi:
*looking at Shen Qiao with sparkling puppy eyes*
you can call me A-Yan
Shen Qiao:
...I came to save that heartless jerk,
not this delicate devoted creature,
life haven’t prepared me for this
(9/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])
Maybe it’s just my headcanon, but I like to think there’s another side to Astarion, one he tries to hide: the part of him that genuinely likes children.
Of course, I haven't played his Origin run yet, so this is just the feeling I had during my first playthrough.
Take Arabella, the tiefling girl who stole the idol from the druids to stop the ritual. Astarion was all grumpy about getting involved, but there was something like admiration in his tone, even then. And later, when we ran into her again in the Shadow-Cursed Lands, he actually sounded excited to see her: “Oh, you’re that little idol thief!” - he said it almost with a kind of fond recognition. When we found her again in the Baldur’s Gate sewers, surrounded by corpses, listening to the Weave, Astarion whispered her name so quietly, like he was truly worried.
Then there was Yenna, the girl in Rivington whose mother disappeared. When we gave her some gold to buy food, Astarion didn’t say anything, but quietly approved along with the other companions. Later, when she turned up at camp asking to stay, he teased her, but it sounded more playful than mean. And when Orin kidnapped her, he was visibly shaken. He insisted we go after her and grew defensive about it, muttering that too many children had gone missing lately, and it had to stop.
For me, it’s one of those signs that no matter how much he tries to appear cold or indifferent, that’s not who he really is. There’s always been a warm heart under all that cruelty he was forced to learn.
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I was just thinking how interesting it is that, as someone who’s very likely demi, I didn’t find Astarion attractive at all at first.
But once I started getting to know him, I thought - well, he’s actually kind of cute.
And now I look at him and wonder: where were my eyes before? It’s as if the gods made him just to ruin me.
He’d be so confused.
Yay, I’m so glad you liked her! And thank you so much for such a thoughtful question too!
So, as for Roanael’s motivation and goals:
At first it was simply to survive, get rid of the tadpole and return back to her normal life. She values her freedom and integrity too much to accept becoming an illithid so finding a solution became everything.
But when others who shared the same situation began to trust her and rely on her leadership, she also felt a deep responsibility for them. So her main goal grew into helping their little newfound family make it through alive, so all of them can have a future.
And later, when her bond with Astarion grew stronger, her motivation included him too - a future where he could live freely and they could be together.
~Creating more background for my first Tav in BG3~
Roanael is a half-elf druid, born and raised in the bustling city of Baldur’s Gate. With the background of a Sage, she always had passion for books - digging into stories, learning about the world, always curious to learn more about their plane and others. But thanks to her wood elven ancestry, the call of the forest was just as strong for her 🌳✨
She has a strong but introverted presence: Roanael doesn’t mind meeting new people - in fact, her friendly and open-minded nature tends to draw others in - but she doesn’t actively seek company. Her favorite days are spent either wandering through nature or reading a book in her room, or… tucked under a tree, reading a book while surrounded by leaves and sunlight 😁📚🍃
Unlike many druids, Roanael never belonged to any formal circle. Instead, she taught herself the ways of nature, following knowledge from books and her own experience, counting on her instincts rather than strict traditions. Growing up in multicultural Baldur’s Gate made her learn early on that people, like the wilds, are all different and trying to force them into one way is never the answer. Maybe that’s why, even during her adventures, she always steps aside and lets her companions find their own paths 🛤️
As for her family, her human father (a druid himself!) and wood elven mother met somewhere beyond Baldur’s Gate and decided to start a family together in the city. Their love was deep and respectful of each other’s independence - values they passed on to Roanael. Sadly, her father passed away some years ago. He was the cheerful and warm man, a glue that kept their little family close, and after his death, Roanael and her mother (a strong, busy elven woman with an important city job 💼) saw each other less often. But the bond between them - quiet, understanding - remains strong.
Still, after her father's passing, Roanael began to venture farther and farther from Baldur’s Gate, looking to explore the world and see it with her own eyes. The spirit of adventure soon proved too contagious to resist, and before she knew it, she couldn’t even remember the last time she had been home. Or rather… she had started feeling at home everywhere the road led her 🏡
This upbringing shaped Roanael into who she is now: calm, thoughtful, independent, but always carrying compassion in her heart. She inherited both her mother’s wisdom and quiet strength and her father’s curiosity and warmth.
As for many half-elves, the duality of her existence was deeply ingrained into her life from the very beginning, but she has learned to make it her strength, accepting both of her sides and blending them into a beautiful harmony.
🌿 A few small things about Roanael:
Favorite wild shapes: wolf (for battle), cat (for sneaking)
Favorite spells: Grasping Vine, Ice Knife, Misty Step, Lightning Bolt
Eyes: left green, right silver
Hair: brown with warm ginger highlights, usually tied simply back
Tattoo: a teal mark of three small birds soaring across her left cheekbone — a joyful symbol of freedom
Age: somewhere around 35-40 by human standards
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(11/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])
This is also less of an analysis and more of a personal impression during the final scene of facing Cazador. I know there is a tragedy of the vampire curse that played its role in his life, too. But now I only want to talk about what I felt and saw with my eyes, solely based on my experience in the game.
When I first saw Cazador, I was honestly dumbfounded. In my imagination, he had always been that archetypal vampire lord - dark, composed, powerful and cruel. But the reality was... underwhelming. He came across as a petty, narrow-minded man who took himself far too seriously. There was nothing truly majestic or formidable about him - he just happened to be stronger than those around him and used that power to indulge himself in the worst ways.
It was actually quite brilliant of the creators to portray him this way - to show how low and hollow someone who takes pleasure in torture really is. That cruelty is just ugly and there is nothing appealing about it, no matter how much you try to cover it with aesthetics or mystery.
And then there was Astarion, standing before him. The difference between them was night and day. Astarion was radiant - beautiful, dignified, strong. Even in that moment of uncertainty, of raw emotion, he shone. I think I could have fallen for him all over again right then and there.
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Just some stuff about games and anime. Because "otome game", yeah. Maybe some doodles sometimes. Currently obsessed with BG3 and Astarion.
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