-Illustratum Paradoxon

1. I hate inauthenticity

2. Jesus

3. Malls maybe. Books will never die!

4. Being a kid. Carefree and no worries.

5. Any memory with my Children

6. I felt lonely in the city. I moved to the suburbs. Still feel lonely at times.

7. Society is headed towards new beginnings.

8. How much focus people put on fighting about how DIFFERENT they are instead of embracing that we are all very much the same. We are HUMAN.

9. I think about how gorgeous the clouds are. I think about the people I lost who are up there watching over me. I think about an everlasting after life and what’s beyond what my eyes can see.

10. Sunsets

11. Yes! Creativity/Art can come in all forms. I think if we all just learned a craft or skill we would be productive and happy.

12. The arts can hurt people if there are dark meanings behind the art. Or if the Art is glorifying death, depression etc. then it can hurt you more then it can help you.

13. My mind.

14. I believe in a divine plan God has for each of us. If we follow his will then I guess you can call it fate, but we do have free will and some of us detour Gods plan and get there later then he wanted us to or sometimes never depending on which path we chose.

15. It’s depends on the situation. I panic when I feel out of control of a situation. I like to find solutions and when I can’t I panic.

16. Sometimes lol. Sometimes the best has no chance and it goes first lol.

17. When something is worth it, it not only aligns with your goal, but the morals and values to achieve that goal will also align with you and that’s what makes it worth it and rewarding in the end.

18. My two older brothers that I’ve only seen twice in my life.

19. None. Don’t have any to be close to. One has been incapable since birth and one is unknown.

20. I would change being hyper sexualized at a young age. I thought my initial answer was I wouldn’t change a thing because it made me who I am, but that really bothers me. I knew about sexual stuff way too young.

21. Alone.

22. Of course! And second and thirds. I’m talking about people you love and matter. I’m not talking about abusive boyfriends and toxic frenimies. God forgives us daily and I try to replicate that with the people I love and who mean everything to me.

23. Moving doesn’t effect me anymore. It did but I created my own tribe and now I don’t feel alone. Now when I move, my whole tribe comes with.

24. That’s hard. Both? They go hand in hand kind of.

25. Not many exciting things happening this year....

26. I would change how judge mental everyone is towards each other. Just let people be. Stop spewing hate just because someone is different.

27. My darkest, taboo thoughts? I tend to think about death a lot. Not necessarily wanting to take my own life, but I do wonder how things would change if I wasn’t here. Would people understand me after I’m gone?

28. Home is most definitely a feeling.

29. In my past life I was FEARLESS. In this life I allow fear to stop me at times and I can literally feel that FEARLESS person trying to rip out of me. Hey maybe she’s not so far in the past.

30. I’m gonna answer this with a story: whenever my estranged mother would come to visit me I would cry knowing she was coming. When she finally got there and I got through my “Hello” and was content with her being there, she’d say it was time for her to go. The crying would begin yet again. Sigh. So I don’t know honestly. Hellos are better then goodbyes but I find relief saying goodbye at times. Pure Relief.

31. I would rather love. I love deeply. I love intensely. I love playfully. I love sensually. I love GODLY. Sometimes I expect THAT kind of fiery love in return and it’s not the case. So I’d rather love because I have lots of it to give and I like to show others what it’s like to REALLY love.

32. Beauty is effortless. Honestly it truly is in the eye of the beholder. I can find beauty in almost anything. That’s because that how I view the world around me. It doesn’t have to be sparkly and shiny to be pretty. Beauty is found in the deepest smile creases or it can be found in a monochrome view of a funeral where family members are embracing and the only color that pops are the reds of the roses.

33. Truth and reality is the key to happiness. If you aren’t true to yourself and others then your life isn’t a reality. It’s just a facade. Who could honestly say they would be happy being fake?

34. I think it is very easy to manipulate people and that’s why there are so many blind and asleep people. The question should be are you easily manipulated.

35. Happiness comes from loving yourself for you. Embracing your flaws and quirks. Happiness comes from surrounding yourself with people who value you just for you and not what they want you to be. Happiness comes from having a relationship with my creator.

36. I do. I feel freer today during a pandemic, quarantining and social distancing against my will then I did before I knew Jesus. THATS how free I feel.

37. Depends on my mood. I love both. 🌊 🌲

38. Nope.

39. Life or death situation.

40. I STRONGLY believe this is true. I was extremely particular about what I named my children and the meanings behind each. I really do believe names have a huge role in who we are.

41. Language allows our thinking to expand.

42. No. I respect all things SACRED.

43. When I want to explain myself to the point of understanding and when understanding isn’t attained I get so frustrated feeling misunderstood.

44. I think we are constantly in a battle. A spiritual battle. It’s like having a little angel and a tiny devil on your shoulders. Those thoughts of romanticizing pain isn’t from God. I can’t fathom any other reason why we sit in pain at times. Are we that decensitized?

45. Both. I give eye contact when I speak to others, but I’m also a physical touch person. Also the eye contact must come first. Don’t touch me without the contact. Because then I feel like you’re using my love language to your advantage and I need that confirmation of the eye contact.

46. If you and that person are meant to be, then yes distance can make the heart grow fonder. BUT if that person isn’t meant for you the distance may actually help you realize that they aren’t for you.

47. There is a whole year of my life that I can not remember for the life of me and it drives me insane. I can remember a huge event right before and I remember everything after that year, but not that particular year following said big event. Sigh.

48. Not really. Every friendship I had ended very sour, but it’s ok because I have an amazing friend now and it makes complete sense why those other “friendships” didn’t work out.

49. Always and forever! Free indeed!

-Illustratum Paradoxon

Questions I wished I asked you

1. What do you hate about people 2. Who are you waiting for 3. Are libraries, malls, bookstores dying 4. What is your favourite memory 5. What memory are you afraid to lose 6. Do you feel lonely in the city 7. Where is society going 8. What disappoints you most about the world 9. What do you think about when you look at the sky 10. Sunsets or sunrises 11. Do you think the arts can save people 12. How does the arts hurt people 13. What do you fear losing 14. Do you believe in fate, or is everything just a coincidence 15. Do you panic easily 16. Do you save the best for last 17. What does it mean for something to be worth it 18. Who from your past would you want to meet again 19. Which parent are you closer to 20. If you could change anything about how you were raised what would it be 21. If you’re in a bad mood do you prefer to be alone or with someone 22. Do you believe in second chances 23. How does moving affect you 24. Language or music 25. Most exciting thing that happened to you this year 26. If you could change one thing about the world what would it be 27. Describe one of your darkest, taboo thoughts 28. Is home a place or a feeling 29. Have you ever had dreams about a past life, what would your past life be like 30. Hello or goodbye 31. Would you rather love or be loved 32. How do you define beauty 33. Compared to happiness, how important is truth and reality 34. Do you find it easy to manipulate people 35. Where does happiness come from 36. Do you believe yourself to be truly free 37. Sea or land 38. Are you easily persuaded 39. When is lying important 40. Does a person’s name influence who they become 41. How much does language affect our thinking 42. Are you sacrilegious  43. Do you find it hard to let go 44. Why do we romanticize pain 45. Are you more responsive to eye contact or touch 46. Does distance make the heart grow fonder 47. Do you ever think about the memories you can’t remember 48. What was a friendship you wish you could’ve still kept 49. Does the truth set you free

The devil is persistent

But my God is consistent

If it wasn’t for my God

I‘d fall far from existence

Spiritual revolution

Is happening inside of me

Spiritual revolution

Something Only God

And I can see

Written 7•15•20

-Illustratum Paradoxon

*The revolution is still happening.

The war for my soul is not over.

Clinging on to God

And anything of light. 💡

Pushing religion and bs agendas away

I just want YWHW*

Lol so accurate. 4s are deep thinkers and feelers.

Four: There is no future. There is no past. Do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.

Two: Christ, Four. All I wanted to know is when your birthday was.

Well damn.

Illustratum Paradoxon

You become a master of your life when you learn how to control where your attention goes.

Value what you give your time and energy to!

Every. Single. Time.

-Illustratum Paradoxon

Do you ever become desensitized to your own trauma?? Like you’ve been dealing with it for so long that when you accidentally let it slip out in conversation and the persons like “um oh my god?” You’re like wow I forgot my life has been one unspeakable horror after another #noted

Written: 6•29•19

Maaaan I’m tired of being left on read There’s so much shit left unsaid I’m tired of forcing relationships It’s like my time ain’t worth shit. Let me not be tired no more Let me be stronger then before. Let me remind you of who I am. Wasted energy trying to show you me mannnn. I’ve become so transparent for you to see But yet it’s like you see right through me. So here goes let me remind you what you’re working with. Let me remind you right quick, have several seats Take your pick. I’m a Bronx native, Yonkers raised Bori-Italia pero I only rep the tribe I was only sent to earth to connect & Vibe Momma-daughter “divorce” Foster care system But despite of it all I would never diss em. It made me who I am A woman who refuses to fall. I most definitely strive to do my all. I got a heart of gold & would do most for many But I stay picky with who I keep near I rather stay a loner Then look for plenty Of fakes, lies and snakes. Mistakes. They rather show you love at wakes. People don’t understand there’s lives at stake. That’s why I don’t have time for fakes.

-Illustratum Paradoxon

I ain’t no digital thug

But on the real

Some of ya need some digital hugs

I resonate with you truly I do

I just wish you knew how to resonate too.

We don’t have to agree

We don’t have to think the same

It’s doesn’t mean I hate

It doesn’t mean I’m lame

I just wish for things that are higher then this drama

Higher then the pain

The lives lost

Deteriorating mind frames

All at what cost?

Wake up

Return from the slumber

Stop sitting around

“I wonder, I wonder”

Can life truly be this hard?

It’s so simple

To me honestly

God said love others

Let’s start there

We’ll see

Let’s be fair

Put yourselves in someone else’s shoes

Quit playing victim

And live the life God dealt you

Live it to the fullest

Live it like a full house

Live it like an ace of spades

Stop playing fearful meek mouse

Fight for what’s right

And hop off the band wagons

Jesus coming soon ya better quit laggin.

I say this with so much love

Not because I’m perfect

Not because I judge

I just want you to make it home

So we can party up above.

-Illustratum Paradoxon