It Makes Me So Irrationally Upset That There Are People In This Country That Assume That I Have Uprooted

It makes me so irrationally upset that there are people in this country that assume that I have uprooted my entire legal, social, and medical standing in some insane long con to rape women. To think that strangers think I did this to myself just to exist in a constant state of sexual excitement at the thought of using a public toilet, to prey upon children, or trick lesbians, makes me so fucking sad. I just wanted to be happy, and ran out of options.

Since I began my transition, I have lost several jobs, my home, my friends, and my girlfriend. I have been raped. I have been forced into sex work. I have slept on the street. I have been threatened with violence. I have been physically assaulted. I have been spat at, harassed, and robbed. I have been made to undress in front of male police officers. And yet, after all of that, after all the world has done to me with impunity and without consequence, still they think I am a threat to them?

After all i have suffered, all I have endured and put up with and accepted, still I am perceived as a threat to these people. Nobody stood up for me. Nobody fought my corner. Nobody fought for my place in this world except me.

Oh, and who sexually abused me as a child? A cisgender woman. And yet still, I am the threat here somehow.

Because they see us as subhuman. I have seen the way they talk about us. They call us paedophiles and rapists, genetically programmed for explicitly sexual evil. My very existence is seen as a fetish, something I do to get off in public. They think I would endure all of this just for the sexual excitement of a cubicle in a public toilet. I keep my headphones in, my eyes down, I do my business as quickly as possible, I wash my hands, and I leave. I speak to no-one. I look at no-one. And I leave. Sounds real fucking hot.

But even that's not good enough. Nothing I do is good enough. Despite being a victim, despite my track record of being constantly abused by this world, despite never hurting anyone in my fucking life, still I am a threat somehow. My very existence is perceived as fundamentally wrong. Just simply being makes me a rapist, apparently.

So what do I do? Go back to the mens room? The last time I used a mens toilet was at the very start of my transition. A man spat in my face as i washed my hands, and I vowed to never be exposed to such cruelty again. But they see that as the just price for my existence. They think I'm a paedophile, and should be a public pariah.

My entire life, I have known I am a woman on some level. It never went away. I have known this since I could conceive of men and women as being different. Not accepting that has made me miserable. Growing up in a religious theocracy stole from me an awareness about my person that i will never get back. It has led to self harm and a constant depression and several suicide attempts, and if I didn't embrace what I am, it would have continued until I finally got good at it and ended things. And they think that is the just price for existence, and a risk that must be taken because, you know, what if I strip off my three pairs of underwear and a tuck so tight its vacuum sealed in order to flash the slowest woman in the world?

They are obsessed with our genitals. They think penises are seemingly magnetically attracted to vaginas. When I was made homeless, I was told i couldn't be housed with other women because "well, you haven't had surgery yet, have you?" I asked her where I had to go for my genital inspection, and she called me disgusting and hung up. After asking about my genitals. And despite the fact that my HRT crushed my sex drive and my ability to be spontaneous, despite the fact that I am rigorously pursuing my option to remove my ability to have children and to turn my penis into a vagina, still I am perceived as a paedophile. Because what if?

I just lost my human rights on the basis of "what if?"

I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I really don't. My life and who I am is legally at an end. If a GRC isn't good enough, if i have no legal pathway to obtain my rights as a woman, then trans rights in this country are done. We are now a lower class of human. As a brave woman said at a protest i attended yesterday, this is now an apartheid state.

I am told that this was done because I am a threat to women. I am told that this was done for womens rights. These people tell me I couldn't possibly ever imagine the suffering that womanhood brings, and I am a misogynistic rapist if I think I can ever even approximate it. In the last few years, I have endured more than most women will in a lifetime, and yet still it is not enough. I have found joy in my womanhood, and refuse to see it as some badge of suffering, and yet still it is not enough. It will never be enough.

No amount of reasoning with these people will change them. They are fascists. There's no two ways about it. They think they can put a nice neat little box around womanhood and say everyone outside the box doesn't count. Personally, I think that anyone who puts a box around womanhood – where inside the box is fertility and white standards of beauty, and outside is everyone that doesn't live up to that standard – is a fucking fascist, but that's just me I guess. They stand shoulder to shoulder with nazis, and scream slurs and threats of systemic eradication alongside them. They gladly let nazis attend their rallies, gladly offer them a platform. What's the old adage? If you have a bar with one nazi in it and nobody kicks him out, you have a nazi bar? These people are fascists.

And now every woman who isn't traditionally feminine, every woman who doesn't live up to white standards of beauty, every woman with a vulva that bulges slightly, has a strong jawline, or a deep voice, or PCOS that causes facial hair, or a thin hairline, or long legs or broad shoulders, every single one will now have to prove she was born "biologically female" just to use a toilet in peace. Even if they were right, and that I am a threat to women, isn't a world where every single woman is constantly transvestigated and scrutinised and expected to live up to a certain beauty standard in order to use the toilet in peace a worse world to live in than the one we currently inhabit? Is this what they want?

I just wanted to be happy.