How Do I Honestly Believe I Am?

pie pngs ♡

The Kelpie by Herbert James Draper (1913)

And you’d know I’d say, “the last time I drank, I was face-down, passed out there on your lawn.”

Orange Juice, Noah Kahan

“... I'm a nobody. I can't even remember anything. Nothing. Not even my name.”

What are your self-sabotaging habits?

After MUCH self-reflection, I have realized that I have several things that I do that have led to me sabotaging myself. I doubt myself at every turn, I compare myself to other, and I never follow through for many things.

And if that isn't the holy trinity of a sure way to fail, I don't know what is.

For some reason, every time I start to think of the future or even think of starting a relationship with someone, doubt is the first thing that creeps into my mind. There's a really good job that I want to transition to? NOPE, they would never hire me. You really want to be in a relationship with that guy you really like? NOPE, he is only using you and wants someone skinnier. I don't know why my brain is set up to automatically put me down but that is something I am unlearning. As soon as any inkling of self-doubt starts creeping in I try to nip it in the bud. Because the first thing you learn when manifesting is that there should be no doubt, whatever I want is already mine. Why wouldn't I be able to start a new job? They would be lucky to have someone with so many transferable skills. Why wouldn't a man I am talking to want to get in a relationship? They would be lucky to have someone like me with so much love to give.

Something else I have had to unlearn is to stop comparing myself to others. I was busy trying to survive and I'm finally at a place where I know I can do so much more with my life. I love my friends and family and want nothing but the best for them but I find myself wishing I was at the same place in life they're currently at. Or even seeing someone on the street and wishing I looked like them. Comparison is the root of all my evils and I'm trying my best to celebrate myself everyday instead of trying to fix myself. I have many flaws but I am perfect the way I am. I would not change anything about me because it made me the person I am today. I am so much more compassionate, loving, and understanding because of the live I have been dealt and I am better for it.

Finally, another habit I am trying to break is building positive habits and actually sticking to them. Like eating healthier, keeping my spaces clean, keeping up with schoolwork, or even working out consistently. These are all things I have struggled with in the past but I am determined to be different this year. I am only 31 and I have so much life left and I don't want to spend it wondering "what if?" I had just stuck to my goals. Because "what if it all works out?"

16 Shadow work prompts/ideas:

You can keep a journal, write and distroy it, or meditate on those questions and prompts.

Write an apology letter to yourself.

Why am I injured?

How do I honestly believe I am?

What does my childhood me need the most?

Am I hiding something from myself?

What are your self-sabotaging habits?

recognize those bad patterns.

What are my red flags and green flags?

Why do I struggle with ------?

Do I judge people?

What are the things I judge people for, but I do the same for myself?

Did you regret something?

What are your deepest fears and how have they held you back in life?

What is your love language and destructive act?

What is the worst feeling?

Do you recognize your feelings?

Day 8:

What do you hate about others? Why? What might that say about yourself?

Hate is such a strong word and I feel like there is so very little that I hate but if I had to categorize something, it would be the fact that people choose to hate others. What I am referring to is when people hate people who have to get abortions, people who are going through the journey of transition, people who fall in love with the same sex, or just people who choose to use their religion to spew hate.

I am in no way saying that people should all think one way because that would be ridiculous but at some point we have to stop letting hate rule our lives. If it is not hurting others, animals, or objectively morally wrong, I believe people should just be able to live their lives how they choose.

As for what that says about me, I think it just means that I am open-minded and mind my business, in general. There are always new things that I am learning every day and I will stumble every once in a while but I will never let hate ruin my heart. It is so toxic and I refuse to be someone that people dread to be around.

aura

Day 11:

What should you attract into your life?

I want to attract more positivity into my life. I myself want to be more positive about myself, my situation, and my life but I also want my surroundings to radiate positivity as well. I do not want to be surrounded by people who dwell in negativity because that will seep into my life. I already feel like I have something attached to me that bleeds me dry most days and surrounding myself by someone who digs that wound deeper is not what I need during this time.

And while I want to eliminate the negativity altogether, unfortunately, I am in a situation that leaves little room for positivity. I know that I should not be putting this into the universe but like I said, I feel like there is some sort of cosmic vengeance that hangs over me 24/7. It is a cruel joke most days if I am being honest, for everything to be going great and then have it all come crumbling down tenfold.

At some point, I think I want to perform a return-to-sender ritual because someone has to be wishing ill upon our whole family. There is just no way that we all have been dealt the nastiest cards if someone was not putting it into the universe.

And what if it does work out?

It will.