“It Was One Of The Best Days Of My Life, A Day During Which I Lived My Life And Didn’t Think About

– Audrey Hepburn

Day 9:

What do you need to stop running away from?

If there is one thing that I need to stop running from, it is change. I do not mean change around me because I am always open to learning new things and opening my mind but I mean change when it directly affects me. I hope and pray everyday to be a better version of myself but I never do anything to initiate it. At the moment, I am working out and trying to eat healthier but the little voices in my head are fighting hard and winning. I am trying to find new job opportunities and I am trying to get back to school and I am just overall trying to crawl out of this hole that I am in but I feel defeated.

Every time I think that I am finally getting somewhere, there is a new obstacle and I am so tired. I am so tired of just being and fighting and looking at others where things come so easily. I am not sure what I have done in this life or past ones but I want to change that and don't know how. I know I walked about comparing myself to others and how I need to stop that but in instances like this, it is so hard.

While this does affect me, I will not let it drag me down.

Queen of the Damned (2002)

pie pngs ♡

aura

What is Shadow Work?

"Working with your unconscious mind to uncover the parts of yourself that you repress and hide from yourself. This can include trauma or parts of your personality that you subconsciously consider undesirable." (https://www.betterup.com/blog/shadow-work)

But why is shadow work important?

In short, if you continue to ignore your inner shadow, you are subsequently rejecting the inner parts of you. By doing so, you will never truly know yourself and this can lead to negative self-beliefs.

Using the questions I have reblogged I will journal on here each and every day in an attempt to heal my inner self.

'Titania' from 'Typical Tales of Fancy, Romance and History' from Shakespeare's Plays by Alfred Fredericks, 1892.

And what if it does work out?

It will.

What are my red flags and green flags?

Let’s start with the positives, my green flags. I might sound like a broken record but I have so much love to give and it shows everyday. I am always thinking of everyone else around me in little ways. Someone needs to vent? I’m there to listen. Oh, something of yours is broken? Come use it at my place to make your life easier. I’m out at the store and something reminds me of you, I’ll get it because I know it’ll make you happy. Have you eaten today? Let me stop and get you something. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and I like to think the best of people. I know it’s coming off like I’m a people pleaser (obviously I want people to like me) but I just want to make sure everyone around me is taken care of.

Now, some of my red flags are that I value my pride and bottle up my emotions tight. I know that is a learned behavior from watching my parents interact with each other and that I am more like them than I care to admit. Since I love so deeply, once someone fucks me over, they’re dead to me. And I know that’s not healthy and I’m working on it but that’s how I’ve always been. The thought of being made to look stupid after I have done so much for a person is my biggest fear. And if that ever does happen, I probably won’t even address how that made me feel, I’ll just bottle up my emotions and keep it moving. Again, I feel like it correlate with being embarrassed because what if they don’t care what I have to say? What if it was all a game to begin with? While there could be some truth to that, I know that’s my brain self-sabotaging me too. In my heart I know that I should address the person if I ever feel wronged in some way because there might be a chance to fix the things that bother me. Or even if it’s just to get things off my chest in the moment to avoid the pain of it hurting me in random moments later in the future. I know this is something I have to unlearn too and I am trying to do better but it hasn’t been something that I’ve felt comfortable doing. I’m going to start small and go from there.

Day 1:

How does the feeling of envy show up in your life?

For me, envy shows up in the sense of self-doubt. I will look at someone's life and what they have and compare it to what I do not have or how I do not look. I will look at strangers and friends and wish that what they had was me. I will look at someone happy in their career, happy in their body, or happily in love and seethe with envy.

It always comes down to, why not me? Why am I stuck in a rut that I can't climb out of? Why are good things in life never in the cards for me?

I am always stuck in a poor me cycle and I am realizing that I am blinded by the fact that I am getting in the way of my own happiness. My negative thoughts have encompassed my life for as long as I can remember I quite simply do not know how to be anything else. But I am tired, I am tired of being someone hoping and wishing from the sidelines, and have decided to take my fate into my own hands.

I will be the catalyst of change in my life and I will shed the skin I have conformed to and start anew.

Healing is difficult and facing my trauma is one of the things that I have dreaded the most in my life but the generational curse ends with me.