Green Guardians: Peppermint Patties

fork that retracts its prongs every time you try to use it

the absolute best quotes from bdylanhollis's vintage baking tiktoks

• "thought this was a joke. turns out im the joke."

• "you can use a mixer, i just do this to feel something"

• "fold in sauerkraut carefully. or what? im going to ruin your disaster?"

• "can a cake be tried for treason?"

• "either chocolate fixes everything or this is alchemy"

• *disgusted chewing noises* "DEMON BABY!!!"

• "before pumpkin pie became king people ate this....now they're dead."

• "combine all ingredients except for pie shell. were you rEALLY WORRIED I WAS GOING TO PUT A F U L L Y C O N S T R U C T E D PIE SHELL INTO THIS?"

• "im a fool, not an idiot."

• "its like reading directions to purgatory"

• "now we have carbonated mayonnaise lime water"

• "MARSHMALLOWS!! with the m a y o??"

• "chop up your dehydrated cow"

• "it tastes like it's insulting me"

• "and its not just a little bit. no. its a severe unauthorized CUP of mayonnaise."

• "honey you cant dilute a war crime"

• "you know its horrible now but i hope it turns out okay. like children."

• *beans boiling over in a pot* "ahhhhHH BEAN REBELLION!!"

• "eggie!! how many? i don't know. it just says EGGS."

• "did you just kill my blender?" *broken blender noises* "hello?" *insane maniacal laughter* "this is personal now. you swung first!!"

• "why are you good? yOU HAVE A BAG OF BEANS IN YOU!!"

• "one of the many questionable substances people experimented with in the 70s...pistachio pudding."

• "smells like a palm springs retirement home"

• "nixon wished it was this easy."

• "this was the cold war after all. fear of communist bananas was at an all time high."

• "the 70s. sponsored by the color beige."

• "its uncomfortably appetizing"

• "meat and desserts was quite common back then. so was botulism."

• "'honey would you like earl gray or pork?' 'ill take a divorce'"

• "sweet, bitter and meaty. like my ex."

• "don't say it dylan" *2 seconds later* "CIMMANIMM!!"

• "350 for two and a half hours! i suppose any less and it might gain consciousness."

• "its a little late in the century for war crimes."

• "are you just making things up? who are you??"

• *opening a can of spam* "you know ive never been particularly religious. but today might be the day."

• "a cup of evaporated milk?! have you lost the plot?!"

• "i feel like if i do this correctly im going to invoke the spirit of richard nixon"

• "this aint food honey this is a bioweapon"

• "sir your phone number is 4 digits"

• "well i don't have sorghum because i don't have a life expectancy of twelve"

• "thats the power of pine sol baby!"

• "bake to your liking. sweetie none of this is to my liking."

• "this is what id imagine a toilet brush to taste like"

• "this is why we don't perform lobotomies anymore."

• "should be a pale white." *holds butter up to arm for comparison*

• "i bet this recipe is just all the wrong answers on a baking test."

• "smells like dentures."

• "not bad dead people"

• "its incredible. and im mad about it."

• "sift your flour three times. lady your cake has tomato soup in it, this is thE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES!!"

• "'911 whats your emergency?' 'yeah that lady carol is at the barbecue again.'"

• "careful not to over mix. sorry im just trying to kill it."

• "now i know this is going to be awful because it calls for soured milk. not buttermilk, not milk and vinegar, no honey sOURED B A D MILK!"

• "disgusting wasnt enough for you?!"

• "call the U.N."

• "bake until done. you're a piece of work."

• *plays accordion on his kitchen floor*

• "tastes like a shower drain or a bunion"

• "this recipe was sent to me by herbert hoover feet pics. theres something for everybody"

• "are you nine inches yet?? said 14 year old me."

• "i suppose its better than eating your offspring"

• "oh betty crocker WHAT ARE YOU UP TO??"

• "you could just use canned pineapple. if you were a communist."

• "can you bake a pie with four ingredients? yes! i could also eat my mattress."

• "add three gils of water. was this written for a fish?"

• "i think this qualifies as a preexisting condition"

• "unconstitutional!"

• "its a breast implant"

• *clunking from the cabinets* "i think ive summoned something"

• "it seems to have collapsed. like the south."

• "the slogan for this cookbook is 'it's digestible'"

• "remember kids the main ingredient in pie pastry is self doubt"

• "fry in two tablespoons of crisco. on this episode of dead white people."

• "i didnt know tuberculosis had a color scheme"

• "ive baked a toilet."

• "how am i supposed to know how big your teacups are, ira?"

• "why do dead people like dates?"

• "easy does it. wouldn't want to ruin a disaster."

• "'ira honey i'm going to war.' 'over what?' 'your cooking'"

• "tastes like a boot. like a size 10 boot."

• "why just live in the great depression when you could also have chronic diarrhea"

• "it wants me to plumpen my prunes in water. well i won't be plumping my prunes in just anything. buy me dinner first."

• "it looks like a failed grave robbery"

• "walnuts aint gonna save this recipe sweetie"

• "you know its not bad it just vaguely tastes like a felony."

• "'where you goin with that tuna dylan?' 'oh you know just making jello"

• "this recipe is making me cry, not the onions"

• "are we sure this recipe wasnt written by a cat?"

• "it already looks like the great depression"

• "bake in a moderate oven. no need to get political"

•"don't tell gordon ramsey"

• "it tastes like a question mark. but a good question mark"

UPDATE:

Since making this post, I have some new tips and tricks for you guys!

If you’re substituting the bacon for smoked turkey like I did, don’t throw out the bone right away! While the potatoes and veggies simmer, add the smoked turkey leg bone to the broth. Don’t worry about any meat bits that fall in, they’ll get incorporated in the blender. Not only will this provide more flavour to the broth but you’ll get extra nutrients from the bone marrow! NOTE: Do your best to keep the bone as intact as possible as you’ll need to pull all the bone bits out before blending.

To reduce the fat content and make it an appetizer-soup, I substituted milk instead of cream and it worked out great! The only adjustment needed was to let it thicken for 6-7 minutes instead of 1 minute. 

Potato Leek Soup (w/ Smoked Turkey)

Served year round, this dense and nutritious vegetable blend is perfect for warming the limbs and souls of dwarves subjugated to the unrelenting cold of damp subterranean life. - Heroes’ Feast, p.97

There’s something very comforting about a rich, creamy soup on an overcast day. Whether rain or snow, its warmth gives you a sense of homely comfort and raises your spirits.

I’d never tried potato and leek soup before attempting this recipe and was skeptical at first; how good could some leeks and potatoes be? However, I was blown away by taste! Delicious and filling, this Potato Leek Soup is sure to satisfy your hunger while giving you those reading-a-good-book-on-a-rainy-day vibes. Make sure to dip a thick slice of sourdough bread from your nearest bakery in it for an even more knock-your-socks-off taste!

As an added bonus, this soup is easily made vegetarian! See the results sections to find out how.

See below for my notes on the results and for some helpful tips and tricks when making this yourself! Get Hero’s Feast here: https://dnd.wizards.com/heroes-feast

Keep reading

I will miss you, Techno

A lot of the substances we think of as protection against the supernatural (e.g. salt, silver, garlic) are actually antibacterial, and would have helped stave off infections and illnesses that people once attributed to supernatural influence.

Based on this, I want to see a story where vampires are repelled by hand sanitizer.

Thought exercise. You are me, you are hungry, you want to make my world famous pancake recipe. This recipe needs four eggs. You have three eggs. Do you:

a) go to the store. yes you have a cold, but you could be in and out fast. then again you could run into someone you know. embarrassing.

b) go across the street to your grandparent's house and ask to borrow an egg. you may or may not get a lecture about not being at church. is it worth it.

c) use two of the raw eggs and two hard-boiled eggs. surely this will work out fine

if you picked c, congratulations, you correctly picked my thought process. i have committed an affront to god and my tummy hurts so badly

tumblr this is a normal way to ask for a grocery item correct?

Yellow Yaks: Oat-Fudge Bars

Did you know? In MCC 22, the Yellow Yaks were nicknamed The Golden Girls and were MCC’s first all-female team!

Welcome to the stage, the Yellow Yaks themed dessert: Oat-Fudge bars! 

I’ve had this idea knocking around in my head since last summer and now it’s done and I finally get to share it! This event is so much fun to watch and participate in as an audience member, so I really wanted to create something that everyone could enjoy!

Best of luck to the Yellow Yaks this MCC! Which team will you be rooting for?

And, of course, thank you Scott Smajor.

(Check out the recipe below and huge thanks to Garbange for fixing the lighting in the picture! Inspired by these.)

Keep reading