The Bravery Of A Girl Who Has To Decide What Is For Dinner And Then Cook It And Then Wash Dishes Every

“what’s the worst fruit” i hope you fucking die im strangling you what the hell is wrong with you. ‘the worst fruit’… has god not made all of these fruits in the same light???? cunt

She can’t be stopped

Thought exercise. You are me, you are hungry, you want to make my world famous pancake recipe. This recipe needs four eggs. You have three eggs. Do you:

a) go to the store. yes you have a cold, but you could be in and out fast. then again you could run into someone you know. embarrassing.

b) go across the street to your grandparent's house and ask to borrow an egg. you may or may not get a lecture about not being at church. is it worth it.

c) use two of the raw eggs and two hard-boiled eggs. surely this will work out fine

if you picked c, congratulations, you correctly picked my thought process. i have committed an affront to god and my tummy hurts so badly

[video by aidenarata. original caption: it's a good spoon]

Hand Pies

(Includes small, snackable pies!)

“The variety [of hand pies] presented below, made famous at Cuttle’s Meat Pies located in Waterdeep’s Trades Ward, is flavored with bacon and leeks and is extremely popular across the Heartlands, the Dales, and even the Savage Coast of Faerun, where hungry adventurers simply can’t get enough of them.” - Heroes’ Feast, p. 21

I think we can all agree that pie is one of the best foods ever (take that cake lovers). But, why should its awesomeness only extend to fruit, pudding, or whatever olden times had going on?

The Hand Pies in Heroes’ Feast are a great, filling meal to close to a long day. Packed with awesome carbs, proteins, and spices, they’re hard to resist! 

I was really interested to see if there was a way to turn the traditional, larger pies into snackable finger foods that could be brought to school or made for a party. After a little bit of testing, I found that they could! Since my main goal for this post was to create the snackable ones, I will be incorporating my process into the main body of my review instead of just keeping it to the notes after each step.

Although not the fastest meal to make, there are several ways to speed up the process and give yourself less work!

See below for my notes on the results and for some helpful tips and tricks when making this yourself! Get Heroes’ Feast here: https://dnd.wizards.com/heroes-feast

Prep Time: 20 mins               Cook Time: 2h 40 mins                  Overall: 3 h

* See results section for how to cut down vegetable prep time

** Prep time will increase if you’re making your own pie crust

For the ingredients:

6 slices thick-cut bacon*

1 large (about 8 ounces) Yukon gold potato, peeled and cut into ½-inch pieces

2 leeks, white and light green parts, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced

1 tbsp. (3 g) finely chopped fresh thyme

Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper

4 cloves garlic, finely chopped

1 pound (500 g) ground beef**

2 tbsp. (16 g) all-purpose flour

⅔ cup (160 ml) low-sodium chicken broth

¼ cup (60 ml) chopped fresh parsley

Pastry for 2 double-crust pies (about 1 ½ pounds), thawed if frozen

1 egg

Ketchup, grainy mustard, or steak sauce to serve (optional)

* I couldn’t find any thick-cut bacon at my grocery store, so I used double the amount of regular cut bacon instead.

** I used medium ground beef.

Preparing the Filling:

I cooked the regular cut bacon in batches in order to avoid crowding the pan. Because I was using thinner bacon, I had to cook the bacon all the way until crispy instead of just slightly browned.

I didn’t have enough rendered fat after cooking for the 2 ½ tbps. required in the next steps. To make up for it, I supplemented the missing amount with a neutral-tasting oil (like vegetable, canola, safflower, and grapeseed).

For the vegetable mixture, I first cooked the potatoes in 1 ½ tbps. of the reserved fat over medium-high heat. This took about 7 minutes, stirring frequently (above-left image).

Next, I added 1 tbsp. reserved fat, leeks, thyme, and ½ tsp. salt to the potatoes and cooked them for about 4 minutes. Then, I added the garlic and stirred it in until fragrant - about 1 minute.

Finally, I transferred it to a bowl, wiped out the pan, and returned it to medium-high heat.

For the beef mixture, I cooked the ground beef until it started to lose its pink colour (4-5 mins). You want to make sure you’re breaking up any large clumps as it cooks.

Next, I turned down the heat to medium and added the flour, stirring constantly for 1-2 minutes. After, I added the broth and ¾ tsp. salt, scraping the skillet to dissolve anything that got stuck to the bottom. The above-right image is what the beef mixture looked like after cooking it for 2 minutes. It shouldn’t be super liquidy.

Above is what the hand pie mixture looked like when I combined the vegetable and meat mixtures. After combining, I allowed the mixture to cool for about 20 minutes (barely warm).

When the mixture cooled, I incorporated the crumbled bacon and parsley. Finally, I covered it with cling wrap and put it in the fridge.

NOTE: To adjust the seasoning at this point, I would recommend only using pepper. I found the mixture was plenty salty.

Constructing the Pies:

First, I preheated the oven to 375℉ and lined two baking sheets with parchment paper. You could also use nonstick silicone liners.

Since I was using a homemade pie crust, I divided my dough into quarters then rolled them out on a lightly floured work surface until I could see the surface through the dough. I lightly floured the top of the dough and my rolling pin to keep the dough from sticking to it. Follow the same method if using store-bought dough.

To prevent the dough from breaking while chilled: start by rolling it out a little in one direction, rotate 90°, roll it out a little, and repeat. This way, you’re not just stretching the dough in one direction.

As you work with the dough, try not to let it get too warm! The chilled butter is what gives the pie crust a flaky texture. If you feel the dough start to warm up too much as you work with it, cover it with a clean, damp kitchen or damp paper towel and place it in the fridge for a few minutes before continuing.

If you notice any tears appear while you roll out the dough, overlap a bit of the dough in that area and roll over it using the rolling pin. If the tear is too large to do this, patch it up with some dough scraps and roll over it to seal it.

To create envelopes for the filling, I used a stencil to create 10 by 8-inch ovals for the large ones and used a ~3 ¾-inch diameter circular cookie cutter.

From my dough, I was able to get two large pies and 15 smaller ones (not using all the dough scraps will net you about 12).

NOTE: A bench scraper and/or a thin metal spatula is your friend while working with the dough. To make the pies easier to fold and transfer, make sure to go around and lift up all of the dough from the work surface.

For the large pies, I placed one cup of filling on the bottom third of the dough and left ~1 ½ inches for the border (above-left).

For the small pies, there are a few changes I would make with how I constructed them (above-right). Although using only a ½ tbsp. of filling made them easier to handle, you should absolutely use between ¾-1 tbs. instead. You may not get as clean of a seam, but it will help the pies stay juicy and have a better dough-to-filling ratio.

Also, I would consider using a slightly larger cookie cutter (4-inch diameter) and shaping the dough to be more like an oval. I think this would help with the difficulties when using more filling.

Finally, be mindful of how much filling you’re making/using. The amount of filling called for in the recipe is great when making four large pies but significantly less is needed when constructing the smaller ones. Out of the 15 made, adjusting for the recommended increase in filling would mean just barely 1 ½ cups is needed!

To ensure minimal food waste when only making the mini-pies, either make 2.5 times the amount of dough or make ¾ the amount of filling.

Put the filling for the little ones on the bottom half of the circle/oval leaving room for sealing and crimping.

To seal the pies, I started by dipping my finger in water and going around the seam to moisten it. Next, using my bench scraper, I folded the dough over the meat filling. Finally, I used a fork to crimp the edges closed.

If you notice any breaks in the dough while you’re folding/crimping, don’t worry! Use any spare scraps of dough to cover the tears. If a tear appears when crimping the edges, cover it with scrap dough and crimp it down.

Each regular-sized hand pie took about 8 mins to assemble from rolling it out to sealing it. So, it will take you around half an hour to do all four (at least the first time).

The snack-sized pies took about 8 minutes for 4 of them. Therefore, it will take you just under half an hour to make 12 of them. When I put together all of my dough scraps for the little ones, I was able to make 3 extra snack pies - 15 in total.

Always use your bench scraper or flat metal spatula when working with or picking up the pies.

TIP: Because each pie takes time to construct and because we want the pie crust to stay cool, place each fully constructed pie in the fridge after sealing it. For the smaller ones, place each batch of 4 in the fridge as you finish them.

TIP: If you’re running out of space in your fridge for the baking sheets, use a cooling rack to place one tray on top of the other.

TIP: Wait until the pies have chilled in the fridge to score the X. It’s much easier to cut into the firm dough than the softer one.

Above is what the pies looked like before and after baking in the oven for about 40-45 mins. Be generous with the egg wash to give each pie a nice golden brown colour.

Above is what the pies looked like as they cooled - about 5 to 10 mins. Be mindful when transferring the large ones to the wire rack. They are very easy to break.

Overall, I would give this recipe a 4.5/5. Both the regular and the snack sized hand pies were delicious. Although, I would recommend eating the larger pies with a fork. They were a bit too flimsy to be eaten by hand. However, the filling to pie crust ratio was perfect.

As mentioned in the filling step, the only changes I would make to make the snack pies better would be to use a slightly larger cookie cutter and use more filling. Other than that, they were amazing. Everyone in my house agreed that they would make for great appetizers or finger foods for a party because “you can eat them and just feel like you’re snacking”. You can even turn the assembly into a fun activity (or pass off the work to guests who like to arrive early)!

I would highly recommend not making this a one-day event. As the longest hands-on recipe so far, I would split up the work as follows: 

Make the filling the day before

Make the pie crust and construct the pies the day of

Not only will this division of work make the recipe less daunting but it will allow the filling to chill completely - making it much easier to handle.

TIP: Although the prep time seems a little daunting, you can save time by completing certain parts of it while cooking. For example:

Cut up the potatoes and leeks while the bacon cooks

Chop up the thyme while the potato chunks cook

see you in the next life king!

So, my parents just told me you live in my county of residence, and I don't know how to feel about the fact that you live so close. I've never even seen a famous person in person, but now I'm learning that you live just around 10 miles from me? Stuff's crazy

I saw you at the supermarket but you didn’t see me!

this dude makes tiktoks of him reloading household objects like they’re fps weapons and they’re so fucking satisfying

I guffawed out loud because THIS