10/14/2022
10/14/2022
when i was very young, i used to have boundless energy. i could throw myself wholly into something and have something to show for it--work tirelessly to make something out of it.
this is no longer the case.
my illness has taken yet more from me. i'm not dying--i don't think so. but i have been ill for longer than i intended, and there are yet more parts of me become metal.
where before, i had smooth, human skin running up the full length of my back, i now have thick metal cable for a spine, creeping its way into my ribs. my eyes--already damaged, already mechanical--have begun to glow, faintly, behind my eyelids. my voice is harsh in a way it was not. my arms are heavy with leaden bones.
i'm sorry for having been gone. i have not gone into the road. jonathan is with julian for the weekend, and i will not see either of them until next week.
i am going to cook something that will make me happy, tomorrow. i don't know what, but i need to begin to heal. i have been so, so tired. my body has become so heavy.
i'm going to post a photo post later of everything i feel is worth sharing. i bought some new sweaters, but i don't want to reveal my body.
i want to go home. i want to go home. i want to go home. i want to go home. i want to go home.
More Posts from Foggedupforsaken and Others
You weren't raised to love tender x
11/12/2022
I can't remember the last time I thought for myself. Isn't that odd?
I mean... the parts of me that are inhuman...
I don't know what to say right now.
I am realizing that I want to be human. I am thinking about how to pull these parts out of me. And, unfortunately, I am having to come to terms with the fact that not all of them have been created and implanted by cruel masters.
I haven't kept up with this blog because I'm ashamed--both by how much I have to say, and how little I have to say.
I haven't left my home. I haven't taken the road. I've grown more and more sickly and frail. My life is miserable.
I'm realizing why I don't want to go home to Jonathan.
It's because right now, I have space of my own to think. I can live in my own head. I have a family, even if they're cruel, even if I don't want to be around them. I have places to go every day. I have people that check in on me, talk to me. And yes, yes, I have Jonathan, and I love them.
But when I leave, I will have only Jonathan.
And, sometimes, Jonathan isn't good.
Sometimes, Jonathan does things that make me feel small. They're inconsiderate, and they're inattentive, and they throw fits when things don't go their way, or when they can't get what they want, and they can't function on their own.
This is not to say that Jonathan is cruel, or bad, or evil, or that I don't love them.
But I don't think I can go home to them while I'm still broken. I've been spending so long trying to just go out on my own, without thinking of the consequences, without trying to fix myself first.
I don't need to be fixed completely. But I need to know what I want. I need to think about the kind of person I want to be. I need to decide what I want for my life.
So, I'm going to make a list. Jonathan is going to be out with... what did I call him? Julian? They'll be out with Julian for a few days. I'm going to take that time to decide what I really want.
I think people get mixed up a lot about what is fun and what is rewarding. These are two very different kinds of pleasure. You need to be able to tell them apart because if you don't have a balanced diet of both then it will fuck you up, and I mean that in a "known cause of persistent clinical depression" kind of way.
Some notes on worldbuilding with carnivorous cultures:
Animals feed more people than you think. You don't kill a cow for just one steak, this is a modern misconception since we're removed from the actual animals we eat our meat from; a single cow has several kilos of meat. In fact, slaughtering a single cow often means a feast time for possibly dozens of people. Every part of an animal can be used, and you can see this in cultures that live by ranching and transhumance.
Here, you should look at the Mongols and the people of the Eurasian Steppe, the people of the North American Plains, the people of the Pampas (fun fact; Buenos Aires was called the "carnivore city"), European and Asian cultures that practice transhumance, and those of the Arctic circle.
There are many ways to cook meat, but arguably, the most nutritious way to consume meat is in stew, as it allows you to consume all the fats of the animal and add other ingredients. In fact, mutton soup and stew historically was one of the basic meals for the for people in the Eurasian Steppe, who are one of the people with the highest meat consumption in the world.
Of course, meat spoils away easily. Fortunately, from jerky to cured meats, there are ways to prevent this. In pre-industrial and proto-industrial societies, salted meat was the main way of consumption and exporting meat. This makes salt even a more prized good.
Often, certain parts of animals like eyes, the liver, the testicles, the entrails, are considered not only cultural delicacies but as essential for vitamins and nutrients unavailable in environments such as the poles. The Inuit diet is a very strong example.
Pastures and agriculture have often competing dynamics. The lands that are ideal for mass pasture, that is, temperature wet grasslands, are also often ideal for agriculture. So pastoralism has often been in the margins of agrarian societies. This dynamic could be seen in the Americas. After the introduction of cattle and horses, the Pampas hosted semi-nomadic herdsmen, natives and criollo gauchos. The introduction of wire eventually reduced this open territory, converting it into intense agriculture, and traditional ranching was displaced to more "marginal" land less suitable for agriculture. Similar processes have happened all over the world.
This also brings an interesting question to explore. Agriculture is able to feed more people by density. What about species that DON'T do agriculture, because they're completely carnivorous? The use of what human civilization considers prime agricultural land will be different. They will be able to support much higher population densities than pastoralism.
Pastoral human populations have developed lactase persistance to be able to feed on dairy products even in adulthood. This mutation has happened all over the world, presumably with different origins. In any mammalian species that domesticates other mammals such a thing would be very common if not ubiqutous, as it massively expands the diet. Milk provides hydration, and cheese, yogurth and other such products allows long lasting food sources.
What about hunting? Early humans were apex predators and we are still ones today. However, humans can eat plants, which somewhat reduces the hunting pressure on fauna (though not the pressure of agrarian expansion which can be even worse). An exclusively carnivorous species (for example some kind of cat people) would have to develop very rigid and very complex cultural behavior of managing hunting, or else they would go extinct from hunger before even managing domestication. These cultural views towards hunting have also arosen in people all over the world, so you can get a sense of them by researching it.
It is possible for pastoral nomadic people, without any agriculture, to have cities? Of course. All nomadic peoples had amazing cultures and in Eurasia, they famously built empires. But they traded and entered conflicts with agrarian societies, too. They weren't isolated. Most of nomadic societies were defined by trade with settled ones.
The origin of human civilization and agriculture is still debated. It would be probably completely different for a non-human carnivorous society. One possible spark would be ritual meeting points (such as the historical Gobleki Tepe) or trade markets growing into permanent cities. But in general, pastoralism, hunting and ranching favors low-density populations that would be quite different.
Fishing, on the other hand, is a reliable source of protein and promotes settled cities. One can imagine acquaculture would be developed very early by a civilization hungry for protein.
Other possibilities of course are the raising of insects and mushrooms, both very uncommonly explored in fiction besides passing mentions.
Of course, most carnivorous species have some limited consumption of plant matter and many herbivores are oportunistic predators. The main thing to ask here is what the daily meal is here. For most human agrarian cultures, it's actually grain (this is where the word meal comes from). What about species that cannot live with a grain-based diet? You will find that many things people take for granted in agrarian society would be completely different.
As I always say: the most important question you can ask is "where does the food comes from?"
I hope you found these comments interesting and useful! I would love to do a better post once I'm able to replace my PC (yes, I wrote this all in a phone and I almost went insane). If you like what I write and would love to see more worldbuilding tips, consider tipping my ko-fi and checking my other posts. More elaborate posts on this and other subjects are coming.
oc asks that reveal more than you think
Do they sleep with a stuffed animal? If they have multiple, who’s the favorite?
Can they take care of a plant? What about a pet? What about a child?
Ask them to describe their love interest.
Do they look good in red?
Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Will they give one, and what about?
Who will they take advice from, no matter what it is? Who won’t they take advice from, no matter what it is?
Describe them in three words. Now let them describe themself in three words.
Do complex puzzles intrigue or frustrate them?
Do they empathize with non-sentient things (dolls, plants, books…)?
What age do they most want to be right now?
They’ve won the lottery. Spend, or save?
Do they like romance in the books they read (or in the book they’re in)?
Name one thing their parents taught them.
Would they agree with the term ‘guilty pleasure’? Do they have any?
What would they consider a waste of time– other than school or work?
If money wasn’t a limit, what would they wear?
Do they like children?
Kissing: tongue or no tongue?
Do they study before tests? Practice before job interviews?
What do they like that nobody else does?
What would it take for them to break up with someone? What would be the last straw?
Do they like being called pet names? Do they call other people pet names? What’s their go-to?
Stability or novelty?
Honesty or charity?
Safety or possibility?
Talent or effort?
Forgiveness or vengeance (or…)?
Would they date a fixer-upper?
What recurring dreams do they have?
What would they do if they knew it would be forgiven?
What the shit????
Microsoft truly wants a dumbed down populace that cannot control the products they buy
If they do this then my dumb ass will find a way to install Linux or something
something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.
not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.
you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.
but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.
you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.
but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.
you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.
you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?
you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.
you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!
you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"
some fucking resources for all ur writing fuckin needs
* body language masterlist
* a translator that doesn’t eat ass like google translate does
* a reverse dictionary for when ur brain freezes
* 550 words to say instead of fuckin said
* 638 character traits for when ur brain freezes again
* some more body language help
(hope this helps some ppl)
June 2024 witch guide
Full moon: June 21st
New moon: June 6th
Sabbats: Litha/Summer Solstice- June 20th
June Strawberry Moon
Known as: Aerra Litha, Birth Moon, Blooming Moon, Brachmanoth, Dyad Moon, Egg Laying Moon, Green Corn Moon, Hatching Moon, Hoer Moon, Honey Moon, Lovers Moon, Mead Moon, Moon of Horses, Moon of Making Fat, Partner Moon, Rose Moon & Strong Sun Moon
Element: Earth
Zodiac: Gemini & Cancer
Nature spirits: Sylphs & Zephyrs
Deities: Aine of Knockaine, Bendis, Cerridwen, Green Man, Ishtar, Isis, Neith & Persephone
Animals: Butterfly, frog, monkey & toad
Birds: Peacock & wren
Trees: Maple & Oak
Herbs: Dog grass, meadowsweet, moss, mugwort, parsley, skullcap & vervain
Flowers: Lavender, orchid, tansy & yarrow
Scents: Lavender & lily of the valley
Stones: Agate, Alexandrite, cat's eye, chrysoberyl, emerald, fluorite, garnet, moonstone, ruby & topaz
Colors: Gold, green, orange & yellow
Energy: Abundance, balance, change of residence, communication, decision making, education, family relations, full & restful energy, love, marriage, prosperity, positive transformation, prevention, protection, public relations, relationships, responsibility, strength, tides turning, travel & writing
While strawberries certainly are a reddish-pink color and are roundish in shape, the origin of the name “Strawberry Moon” has nothing to do with the Moon’s hue or appearance.
• June's full Moon is typically the last full moon of spring or the first of summer. The June Full Moon will be extraordinary. For the first time since 1985, Full Moon happens precisely on the summer solstice, when the Sun is highest up. Because the Full Moon is always opposite the Sun, this year, you will see that the Moon is 10 widths lower on the horizon than the Sun ever is.
This “Strawberry Moon” name has been used by Native American Algonquian tribes that live in the northeastern United States as well as the Ojibwe, Dakota, and Lakota peoples to mark the ripening of “June-bearing” strawberries that are ready to be gathered. The Haida term Berries Ripen Moon reflects this as well. As flowers bloom and early fruit ripens, June is a time of great abundance for many.
Litha
Known as: Alban Heruin, Summer Solstice & Whit Sunday
Season: Summer
Element: Fire
Symbols: Besom, fairies, God's eyes, sunflowers & symbols of the sun
Colors: Blue, gold, green, orange, red, tan & yellow
Oils/Incense: Cinnamon, frankincense, heliotrope, lavender, lemon, lily of the valley, mint, musk, myrrh, orange, orange pine, pine, rose, saffron, sandalwood & wisteria
Animals: Cattle, crab, horse & octopus
Birds: Goldfinch, kingfisher, meadowlark, owl, robin & wren
Mythical: Fairies
Stones: Bloodstone, diamond, emerald, jade, lapis lazuli & tiger's eye
Food: Ale, bread, cheese, edible flowers, garden fresh vegetables & fruit, lemons, meade, milk, oranges, pumpernickel bread, summer squash & wine
Herbs/Plants: Anise, basil, betony, cinquefoil, copal, elder, fennel, fern, frankincense, galangal, hemp, ivy, larkspur, lemon, lemon balm, mistletoe, mugwort, mullien, nettle, orange, orpin, plantain, rue, saffron, sandalwood, St.John's wort, thyme, verbena, vervain, wild thyme & ylang-ylang
Flowers: Carnation, chamomile, daisy, heather, heliotrope, honeysuckle, lavender, lily, marigold, orchid, rose, wisteria & yarrow
Trees: Elder, holly, laurel, linden, oak & pine
Goddesses: Amaterasu, Aine, Anahita, Dea, Cerde, Dag, Dana, Eiru, Fenne, Gwydion, Kupala, Mabd, Phoebe, Skhmet & Sul
Gods: Apollo, Baal, Balder, Bel, The Dagda, Donnus, El, The Green Man, Helios, Huon, Jupiter, Llew, Loki, Lugh, Maui, Mithras, Oak/Holly King, Ogmios, Ra, Surya, Thor & Zeus
Issues, Intentions & Powers: Agriculture, changes, divination, ending, fertility, life, light, manifestation, power, purpose, strength, success & unity
Spellwork: Fire & water magick
Activities:
• Charge and cleanse your crystals in the solstice sun
• Make Sun water
• Create crafts with natural elements such as flowers
• Burn a paper with things that no longer serve you or that you are trying to let go
• Invite friends & family over for a bonfire and/or feast
• Gather & dry herbs for the upcoming year
• Clean, decorate & cleanse your altar with summer symbols
• Brew some sun tea
• Take a ritual bath/shower with flowers
• Make your own sun dial
• Craft a door wreath out of flowers & herbs
• Enjoy some sunrise/sunset yoga
• Volunteer at a food kitchen or animal shelter
• Plant trees (especially ones that may provide fruit or berries to feed the wildlife)
• Watch the sunset & say a blessing to nature
• Make flower infused anointing/spell oils
• Eat fresh fruits & berries
• Participate in a handfasting
• Create shadow art
The history of Litha reveals its deep connections to ancient agricultural societies & their reliance on the sun's power. Celebrated as part of the Wheel of the Year, Litha symbolizes the balance between light & darkness. Throughout history customs such as bonfires, herb gathering & the construction of sunwheels have marked this festival. Today, Litha continues to be celebrated by various communities, with gatherings at sacred sites & private rituals in natural settings. It serves as a reminder of our connection with nature and the cycles of life.
• The traditions of Litha appear to be borrowed from many cultures. Most ancient cultures celebrated the summer solstice in some way such as the Celts celebrated Litha with hilltop bonfires & dancing. Many people attempted to jump over or through the bonfires for good luck. Other European traditions included setting large wheels on fire & rolling them down a hill into a body of water.
Litha is often associated with Midsummer, a celebration that extends beyond the pagan and Wiccan traditions. Midsummer festivities are observed in many cultures around the world, including Scandinavian countries where it holds a prominent place in their cultural heritage. Midsummer dances, bonfires, & feasts are integral parts of these celebrations, often accompanied by folklore and traditional rituals that honor the sun's energy and the abundance of nature during this time.
The summer solstice is the longest day of the year & in some traditions, Litha is when The Sun(The God) is symbolically at it's peak time of power & the World will soon be ripe to harvest. It is also when The Goddess is pregnant with The God who is to be reborn at Yule.
• In the Northern Hemisphere the Summer Solstice occurs when the Sun reaches its highest and northernmost points in the sky. It marks the start of summer in the northern half of the globe. (In contrast, the June solstice in the Southern Hemisphere is when the Sun is at its lowest point in the sky, marking the start of winter.)
Some also believe the history & spirit of Litha revolve around two deities, The Oak King & The Holly King. In Wiccan and Neo-Pagan traditions, each King rules the Earth for half of the year. From Yule to Litha, the Oak King rules. On Litha, the two battled for the crown and it is then that the Holly King triumphs. The Holly King will rule through fall until Yule, and the cycle will begin again.
Related festivals:
• Vestalia- June 7th -15th
Was a Roman religious festival in honor of Vesta, the goddess of the hearth & the burning continuation of the sacred fire of Rome. It was held from 7–15 June & was reserved as a women's-only event. Domestic & family life in general were represented by the festival of the goddess of the house & of the spirits of the storechamber — Vesta & the Penates .
On the first day of festivities the penus Vestae (sanctum sanctorum of the temple of Vesta which was usually curtained off) was opened for the only time during the year, at which women offered sacrifices. As long as the curtain remained open, mothers could come, barefoot and disheveled, to leave offerings to the goddess in exchange for a blessing to them and their family.
For the last day, the penus Vestae was solemnly closed, the Flaminica Dialis observed mourning & the temple was subjected to a purification called stercoratio: the filth was swept from the temple and carried next by the route called clivus Capitolinus and then into the Tiber.
Sources:
Farmersalmanac .com
Llewellyn's Complete Book of Correspondences by Sandra Kines
Wikipedia
A Witch's Book of Correspondences by Viktorija Briggs
Encyclopedia britannica
Llewellyn 2024 magical almanac Practical magic for everyday living
Herb's Properties
Basil: money, luck, prosperity, happiness
Bay Leaf: energy, cleansing, can be charged with almost any intention
Camomile: Caring, kindness, luck, growth, self-love growth, confidence, avoiding negativity, happiness
Cinnamon: passion, quick success, fire magick
Chia seeds: Growth, health, kindness, Property
Chilli flakes: Pride, confidence, power, strength, Passion
Cumin: Courage, bravery, protection, loyalty
Dandelion: wishes, charisma, success, good luck
Dill: sexual love, luck, protection
Eucalyptus: cleansing, healing, purifying, relaxing, comfort
Fennel: hate, anger
Flax seeds: Prosperity, growth, new beginnings
Ginger: fiery passion, success, and personal power
Jasmine: love, dreams, sensuality, luxury and kindness
Lavender: love and attraction, purification, relaxation, restful sleep
Nutmeg: luck, Health, Fidelity, Love, Prosperity, comfort, loyalty
Oregano: comfort, love, warmth
Paprika: Pride, confidence, power, strength
Parsley: Cleansing. purification
Peppermint: healing, purification, love and energy, cleansing, prosperity
Poppy seeds: protection, intuition, self-assurance, hexing and cursing
Rose: love, beauty, harmony, romance, attraction
Rosemary: cleansing, purification, wisdom, protection
Sesame seeds: Prosperity, growth, health, nurturing
Spearmint: love, cleansing, renewal, blessing
Sunflower seeds: happiness, growth, joy
Thyme: beauty, strength, courage
Turmeric: confidence, creativity, energy
Vanilla: love and sexuality
tip jar
