Am I Ill?

Night of the Living Dead (1990) dir. Tom Savini

A lady asked me how much it cost to make her a purse of a well known style in cotton fabric of a particular design and colour. £35 - I said. She said she thought that was a bit dear for a purse. I asked her how much she thought it would cost her to make one then. She thought about £10 as you can get similar in Primarni for £8 OK, so for £10 do it yourself I said Her reply was - I don’t know how to. I said for £10 I’ll teach you how to. So besides saving you £25 you’ll get the knowledge if you ever want to make another. She seemed pleased and agreed. OK I said, you’ll need a machine, cutting mat, rotary cutter, rivet press and the pattern. Oh well….. I don’t have many of things and I can’t justify buying all that just to make one purse. Well then for another £10 more I’ll lend you my stuff to you so you can do it at my house. Okay, she says. Great, I replied, come round on Tuesday afternoon and we’ll make a start Oh, I can’t come on Tuesday I’m having my hair done! Sorry, but I’m only available Tuesday to teach you and lend you my stuff. Other days are busy with other bags and purses. Bugger, that means I’ll have to miss my haircut. Oh, I forgot, I said, to make one yourself you also have to pay for the sundry costs. Now she’s confused – what on earth are they?? Fabric search time, electric, wear and tear on the machine, blades for the cutter etc She looks at me and says – but that’s ridiculous you can absorb all that cost as you are charging me to borrow your stuff. I could, I said, but I’m not spending time looking for the fabric you need you can do that yourself – you need 3 fat quarters of fabric, buckram, woven interfacing, non woven interfacing, a lock, rivets and matching thread. So she then says - I’ve been thinking, I think I’d rather pay you the £35. It’s too complicated to make one for myself, it wouldn’t be as well made and it would cost me a hell of a lot more than £35. When you pay for a hand crafted item, you pay not only for the material used, but also: - knowledge - experience - tools - services - time - enthusiasm Only by knowing all the elements necessary for the production of a certain item can you estimate the actual cost.

When your friend recommends a show to you but you’re on the spectrum

Friend: You should watch (show or movie that has nothing at all to do with your special interest)!

Me, knowing full well that I won’t: Haha, I’ll check it out!

Things I have learned by joining the local Methodist Church’s coffee & knitting circle (where I am the only person under 60 years old):

How to double knit very, very quickly

Mrs. Jonson on the third pew won’t mind her own business, bless her heart. And she buys her pies pre-made for all the church functions.

Ways that women cheated the system in 1950s Texas to get into college and start careers. Including a memorable “He told me I wouldn’t last a week, but then 6 years later, I had to let him go because his production was way down.” *drinks sip of coffee*

We Might Be Conservative But Gosh Darn That Trump Bless His Heart He Doesn’t Know Anything About God Or Texas

And On That Note, God And Texas Are The Only Good Things Left In The World. Erin Write That Down.

How to rescue a dropped stitch and make it look like it never happened

Public schools and inclusive, desegregated education will single-handedly save the world

Sharing recipes is a sacred bonding and community-building tradition that rivals the greatest political negotiations and land deals in history

“It’s better that you prefer girls honey, the Boyfriend Curse doesn’t apply to your girlfriend and a lovin’ god’ll keep on a-lovin. You better make that girl a sweater.’” 

(Boyfriend Curse = knit a sweater for a boy and he’ll leave you when you finish it)

Mrs. Barbara’s husband cheated in ‘76, resulting in a divorce. She thought it was the end of the world because her youth had already passed, but now she’s an engineer and married to a kind, good man who she met when she went back to college in ‘79.

“The only things you can trust in are God, your good sense, and the wisdom of those older women you grew up admiring. The rest is crap.”

The last day of Pompeii by Karl Bryullov

I am getting myself those “big-ass” headphones today and I am so excited I can’t stop happy flapping because I finally will be able to attend class regularly with them on! EEEEEEk- I even am going to put ocean themed stickers on them since that’s my huge special interest right now SPECIFICALLY BALEEN WHALES OMG IM SO EXCITED 

awetistic things {80}

don’t be embarrassed or afraid to make life easier for yourself :

- cut your hair if the texture sets you off or if it’s too much to take care of

- get that shower chair or that wheelchair or some big-ass headphones

- don’t shower every day

- order takeout if your too tired to make food yourself

- take yourself out of situations if they’re overwhelming

- do online school instead of in person

to take allistics’ words “this is your life, do what you want with no apologies”

Confessions of a burnt out disabled human:

I’ve been disabled since one random day when I was two years old. That’s when the fates decided, El would have paralysis and brain issues.

I didn’t know I was different until I was 5 years old and figured out that I looked different compared to everyone else. I had two friends throughout elementary school who didn’t give a shit that I was different. But everyone else cared. From fellow classmates that bullied me, to teachers that compared me to my older brother… and not in a good way.

I got my IEP revoked because my kindergarten grades were good, only to get it reinstated in second grade because the admins started to realize their vital mistake when my math grade started slipping.

In middle school, my math teacher convinced my tutor I was faking my math processing issues. The tutor stopped meeting with me, even after my parents’ protest. I got a C in math at the end of that year, when I was getting high Bs and low As while I was meeting with my tutor. My middle school admins gave me the wrong English standardized test and they decided to rectify it on the math standardized test day. They made up for it with a measly Starbucks Frappuccino.

I was purposefully put in a dance class meant for 8-11 year olds when I was a sophomore. I was the oldest one there. I came home crying every night, but I was too loyal to quit. A year later I auditioned for my city’s little production of the Cinderella ballet. At the time, I had 10 years of experience. They gave me, a 16 year old, a role with 35-50 year olds. I signed up to audition for my church’s youth band when I was a junior in high school. The band managers swore up and down to me that they’d reach out to me to set up an audition. They never did (hindsight, I’m glad they never did. But my point still stands). No one takes me seriously.

I graduated from high school with a 4.29 gpa (dual credit). My high school didn’t acknowledge this as legitimate and wouldn’t consider me an honor grad because my unweighted GPA was 3.29. I needed a 3.3 unweighted. My high school purposefully kept my ACT scores in a vault for two weeks before sending them off, getting me and my family in hot water with ACT because they thought we were cheating. I got a 14 on the math… so… hah, no cheating. I got into college on a technicality because of COVID restrictions. I feel like a fraud. I constantly have to tell myself I deserve to be there. I constantly panic when professors ask me, “Kayla, what do you want to do with your life? When are you graduating?” Finding work as a disabled person is incredibly difficult. Do they really think I know? I’m just hoping I’ll figure out how to get by.

I started trying to date in the summer of 2021. And do you know what I have to show for it? Abandonment trauma and a fuckton of content for depressing disabled gay poetry. I’m losing hope. I shouldn’t have to disclose my disability. I shouldn’t have to worry what people might think. I want that picture perfect happy ending. I deserve it as much as my able bodied counterparts. I don’t want to be a bitter spinster. But, yet, so many people see being disabled as an immediate no. So hell only knows if love is in the cards for me.

It’s hard having disability pride. Its hard to be proud of what makes you stand out in ways you didn’t choose. I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I’m exhausted.

Hello world!!

Hello!! I hope to make a lot of friends on this blog and make memories worth sharing.

A little about me:

I'm an old soul, I cherish the little things and believe to be true to one's self. I love and care about everyone, must be why I get hurt easy and a lot. Everything to me is black and white. I am very passionate about motorcycles and art. I love science and health related things, and soon to be double majoring in Biology and Paleontology to attend medical school. I've only had 2 art classes my whole life, other than that I taught myself. I hope to get to know people on here and have a few tumblr best friends.

Much love~

Anuk❤

Like, I really need people who are against self diagnosis, the majority of whom had the privilege of being diagnosed in childhood or adolescence, to understand how racist, classist, and ableist this viewpoint is.

So many people of color go undiagnosed. Their adhd/autism is chalked up to behavioral problems and no one bothers to look into it further.

So many poor people don’t have the money to be able to afford getting a formal evaluation. That shit is expensive.

So many people get misdiagnosed. Afab adults in particular are more likely to get diagnosed with BPD when they actually have adhd or autism. People with a trauma history have their symptoms chalked up to trauma and all adhd/autism specific symptoms are ignored.

If you were diagnosed as a child or teen you have absolutely no right to dismiss people (especially adults, afab people, and people of color) and act like self diagnosis is harmful. Most people who self-dx do so after extensive research and they know themselves better than you. Self-dx doesn’t take anything away from people with a formal diagnosis; it helps the individual find an understanding community and coping skills that make their lives easier. If you’re bothered by that, that says a lot about your character.