Terror.

Being too self aware isnt great

I overthink everything. Sometimes it makes me sound smarter, most of the time im miserable from it.

I prefer when things just come to me

When I can just exist

But im addicted to this

My face reflects

My phone screen

Flat

Fading

Ive never really lived at all

A ghost of god on the awnsering machine

Dialed in, wired

Enter a network

Of words, wallowing and weeping

For all

Literate nonsense

A light on a cave

A theater

A soundstage

Im acting out my life and im a C lister

But im trying at least

Nobodies watching

Im alone, depressed, loneley.

The feeling isnt darkness though

The screen is on now

Blues, purples, particles of pink waves...

Im laying down

Lulling out words

Slurring out nerves

My lips curl, caressing

Confessions undressing

From myself

I take off my clothes, im not in them

Somethings buzzing

The screen goes black

Skyrim glitches for the 1000th time

Its gone.

Experimental Theater

Step one:

Pink, like perfume, is lightly applied. You may have a glint in your eye and see glitter everywhere. This is normal but you should still be concerned.

Step two:

It is very soft, like a cat you want to pet it constantly. This is normal and not bizzare, but it maybe wizard of you to tell everybody how you feel. That part is optional

Step three:

Stare into a mirror. Mirrors on top of mirrors please, so you let the green out. You can't really see the pink without a bit of green.

Step four:

With the frog in front of you, apply makeup liberally. That means addressing him or her with correct pronouns. If your frog uses any other genders, skip this step.

Step five:

Vore the frog. Do not hesitate, even if it tries to bargain with you. It is testing you. Alternativley if you have a bachelors in Biochemistry you may kiss the frog instead, but please ask permission first.

Step six:

Yell out your lungs in public. Exhume the frog from you. Congradulations on your Experimental Theater!

Lonliness is a black hole

Bebop cowboy

Im a lighter

Im a lot lighter actually.

Im a lighter being used multiple times in a scene. The past comes like punches, i duck and weave. Puffs of smoke. Cigarette barely lit.

Im a lot lighter now. Living between life and death, and thats that. It really is that simple. It always has been.

It always will be

So why cry about it, huh?

I can’t do anything

About the weight of the world.

But me?...

Im a lot lighter now

Benadrilled

I looked for awnsers on the pyschonaut wiki for symptoms of recreational benadryl use

I have found the awnsers I wasn't seeking. Here in my tired eye I see the human condition, and it is unbearably lonely.

I skirted an empty void like a water bug on a puddle, to me this puddle was an entire ocean

In the Breaking Bad episode "Fly", sandwhiched somewhere almost exactly in the middle of the show, Jesse Pinkman drugs an increasingly volatile and unhinged Walter White to finish a drug cook he was otherwise interfering with.

Though Benadryl is most typically used as perscribed for sleep, it is becoming more widely known in modern times as an OTC recreational drug. Those who take large doses to try and achieve its hallucinegenic effects often have terrible trips, and people have been known to fatally overdose.

Ive personally have never experianced worse depressive episodes then I did hungover from Benadryl. My past abusing otc drugs is a fly in my sobriety from such substances. When I find myself in the clutches of addiction, everything was always contaminated. Nostalgia I think is a yearning for a percieved serenity that doesn't exist. A desire to escape ones own mind that outweighs the pains of drug abuse, a self harm in and of itself.

I never wanted to quit drugs more then when I was in the throws of drugs like DXM and Benadryl. I wallow in this feeling of death with the fear I've lived too long. My body is a rickety ladder on top of boxes on wheels.

I dream of an afterlife, hope as I do for a sign like water...on mars...

Black Tape

I saw her in my favorite film, locked away in locks of black tape, tied and spun unspun, she comes undone and back again.

She is a VHS tape, or the film on that tape, or perhaps the reel on the wheel, perhaps her heart the mysterious motor as equally unknown to me as the human heart.

Maybe she's her eye on the screen, magnetic gaze on a magnetic image, the magnitute of all those pixels buzzes like an earthquake far away...

I seek her in my memory but my memorys go by too fast, im rewinding the tape. I wear her memory as she wears me with her look, undressing whatever it is that makes me me so that she can be me.

I must see her in my dreams but i forget. I wake up on a pile of black tape, sometimes wishing she could tie me up in it. Tie me in knots and spin her web till im but a mummy, ready to sleep forever and never forget my dreams again...

The Wired

Present Day.

Present time

To me differently

Where the past isnt so far away

Words like rock;

Fill out fossils of my soul.

Fill out the fossils

Of my fucking soul

Fossils like old computers.

Soul like the humm and buzz

Of a CRT TV.

Sounds like telephone poles.

Words carry

Over a billion telephone poles

Is my conciousness real

Or theirs?

No please I beg you...

Come back...

I love you furry with a basic ass fursona because its what you love, fr.

Me, when im mothman

Things I wish I knew as a teenager/young adult:

Its better to experiment with hair color, identities, etc now and regret it then staying in the closet

Your clique is out there (even if you're a wierdo furry like i was)

Other lonely depressed socially awkward people exist! Actually theres a lot of them!

Some people are into you like that! You just have to find them i promise i promise someone is out there!

Embrace your wierdness, double down even! The popular kids were probably never gonna jive with you anyway

Please take a moment to ask yourself if your trans, even if you think its impossible. It's totally okay either way but its an important question worth your time even if you decide you aren't (after all its good to understand your gender even if you are cisgender).