I Hate When He Holds Me Or Shows Me Any Affection. It Feels Dirty, Wrong, Unwanted. Most Of The Time

[my edit]

Update.

Thanks for all the kind words.. I’m alright. Nothing too bad happened and im recovering. Im just.. really tired. Life is.. not so great right now. And it doesn’t look like im going to be getting the help i need anytime soon so.. I just have to try and stay alive until something goes right i guess.

What an odd unexpected morning...

Last night, after getting some flashbacks and remembering something that happened to me when I was 15 with a 21-year-old. We had a very toxic, manipulative, and abusive relationship. A lot of suicide guilt trips, and other unsavory things. I couldn’t exactly leave even when I tried, because he would threaten himself and me. I got into this weird dissociative fog after a massive panic attack, rereading old logs we had shared nearly 8 years ago. Something in me snapped and pressed that I needed to reach out. So I did. I didn't think I would ever get a reply back, but just the attempt felt enough. Surprisingly...He did, in fact, reply, hours later. I felt a little more than horrified, and of course, broke into another panic attack, my heart was racing and I was trembling. But.. we talked. For a short period of time. I told him why I had messaged him. What he did to me and how I felt and how I still felt. He told me he was sorry for what he did and had/has been in therapy since then and is a better person than he was nearly 10 years ago. He asked me if he could have my forgiveness and I told him I could forgive him as a person, but his actions would take longer. Overall things went ok, and a part of me feels better. He was only one of many who had hurt me, but probably one of the only ones I’d ever be able to get an apology from and know they felt guilt and remorse for what they did to me. So.. I’m glad I was able to do this for myself as scary as it was. In a way at this point in time that scary awful toxic abusive guy that I knew is gone, I don’t have to worry about his existence anymore, I have one less person to be afraid of. He can’t hurt me anymore ever again. I hope somewhere deep inside that this has healed at least a tiny part of me.

Im about to smash through the glass, its going to be painful and devestating. I’ll mumble my appologies from the grave.

I don’t even want to be intimate with my “boyfriend” anymore because It feels like Im cheating on the guy I actually love, who doesn’t even want me.

Life is messed up. I dont want to be in love with him anymore. Its making it impossible to have other relationships..

me: Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the time? Ha. I don’t even care. I don’t even care, not even a little. You want to ignore me fine. Go ahead. I don’t even care. You think I need your constant presence and attention. Laughable. I was alone way before I even met you. Pure childs play. Don’t even @ me. Don’t even bother saying anything to me. I don’t need or want it anyway. 

me 1 minute later: *sobbing* I’m sorry please don't leave me. Fuck I need you. Where are you. What did I do wrong. Was it something I said two months ago? Have you left me like she did, ghosted me?? If I attempt to reach out will you block me?? What did I do?? Im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sor- me 1 minute after that: *trying to think rationally* He’s probably just sleeping. Hes probably busy with schoolwork. Or babysitting. Or the bank. Or family stuff. Or- me 1 minute later panicked: But he always messages you morning. Even when hes busy. He would have let you know. He would have said something if he was going to be away...What if something bad has happened?? What if something horrible has happened to him?? What if hes hurt?? What if something happened to his family?? What if hes suicidal and not telling me and I’m going to lose him??? Oh god oh fuck oh no oh fuck oh god me: What if hes just ignoring you? What if he just doesn’t want you anymore? What if he hates you? What if you pissed him off and didn’t realize it? What if- me minutes later:.....Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the-- and repeat forever.  

7/2/19

10:20pm

6lbs down in a week so far, pretty excited about that.

370c for dinner, the only meal I eat.

Half a bowl smoked,

In such a weird fucking mindset today, I don't understand. I don't understand this feeling in my chest. What are you trying to tell me?

Slept 5 hours today, but not very good.

My mother is talking to and potentially dating a man I'm not very fond of, I hate it.

What is this fucking feeling engulfing me?