Digital-dissociation-blog - Digital Dissociation

Abusive parents force you to hide things you would otherwise never have to worry about hiding, because you learn that they can flip out about anything, make a scene from anything, misunderstand one detail and go insane over it. So you don’t tell them about anything you can avoid, and you try to deal with things yourself as much as humanely possible, which takes the burden of taking care of you from them, and onto your shoulders.

This is dangerous as well because you don’t tell them about a friend who did something horrible to you, you don’t tell them about a sociopath who tried to groom or touch you, you don’t tell them about horrifying heartbreak you feel when someone abandons you, you don’t tell them when your world is falling apart because you know that at best, they’ll be uninterested, at worst, they will tell you it was your fault and you deserved it.

Living in secrecy becomes normal and when you develop trauma symptoms it once again feels like it’s your fault because you never said anything, you never told them how much they were hurting you, you didn’t speak up and open up about your problems. But how in the world would you? You know if you had, all that you would get is insults, blame, threats, guilt and shame thrown in your face, how could you possibly take that on top of having trauma symptoms? You can’t, it’s not worth risking. Suffering in silence becomes your only survival option, and you watch your heart break a little more every day that nobody cares that you’re breaking apart.

By the time you find this, I will be dead. I am leaving this app open on my unlocked phone near my body.

I’m sorry that by this time tomorrow I won’t be around anymore. Im sorry I couldn’t contribute enough. Sorry I was too sick.

Dear mom/family.

I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry I was a failure. I’m sorry I wasted time. I wish I could have been a better kid. Im sorry I wasn’t the daughter/sister/aunt you wanted. Im sorry I don’t even know what or who I am. I’m sorry I was just a problem. I’m sorry I was so sick. Such a burden on you all. I deserved what I got.

Dear sister,

I love you and I’m sorry. I miss you. I never told you how I was feeling.. You wont forgive me I know. I cant forgive myself either. Im an awful awful sister. I deserve this.

Dear best friend,

I love you. I’m sorry. My head is too broken. Im too tired. You tried so hard to help me but I failed you. I’m a terrible failure. I will never forgive myself for disappointing you. You were my world. I loved you more than words could express. But it was never meant to be. I’m sorry. Im sorry I wont be around anymore. Im sorry we wont get to do all that we wanted and dreamed. I’ll miss you for eternity.

Dear myself,

I hate you. I hope you rot. You horrible disgusting disappointing failure. You’re a fucking burden. You deserve this.

Goodbye.

Love,

Amanda/Des/Blair

🖤

youll never know and ill never tell

Your vision most days. 

Crying is actually the fucking worst. Its fucking garbage. I would rather just. Fucking...Not. 

Just going to livetumbl my entire episode because I'm alone and might as fucking well.

irony: having to leave my house in order to get therapy for agoraphobia

when you’re dissociating and someone asks if you are okay so you just

Test

negativity