Depressionanddeconstruction - Unlearning And Relearning

Hey! Have you heard the song I Celebrate the Day by Relient K? It's from their Christmas album. They are my favorite band, and it is one of my favorite songs by them. I was wondering your opinion on it. :)

Hey! I don't know a lot of Relient K's work, but thankfully, I do know that one! It's possibly, if not my favourite, one of my favourites from that album. I quite like it! I especially like the line "I celebrate the day that you were born to die, so that I might one day pray to you to save my life." I think that's beautiful. The chorus is interesting: "The first time that you opened your eyes,did you realize that you would be my saviour?" It's a good question. A lot of people think he always knew. Some people think that He acquired His divine wisdom gradually, or that He took advantage of His god status selectively. Or perhaps He was a human vessel so thoroughly empty that He relied on God for everything, and He couldn't begin proper reliance until His human brain had developed sufficiently. It's really a very difficult question because we have no idea how this dual identity even worked for Him  - fully God and fully man…like, what? So I very much appreciate the question they pose in this song. But yeah, I love it. I think it's a great song. 

New Year's Reflections

At the beginning of 2015, I was broken. Broken like something that didn’t work right. Something had gone wrong in my brain and I was glitching. I had just come out of the worse year of my life, and January 2015 followed possibly the most serious emotional/psychological crisis of my young life. I wasn’t me. My self esteem was virtually nonexistent, replaced by omnipresent self loathing. All of my relationships were in shambles, corroded by incessant deceit and self sabotage. I honestly wasn’t sure how I was even still in school based on my grades. And I had strayed so far from the moral path I wanted to be on that I didn’t even recognize myself. I was broken. My life had become nothing but a toxic cycle of lies, guilt, tears, denial, avoidance, and self destructive habits*.

 And 2015 was the year that God fixed me. I am in awe of His care for me. He had orchestrated the perfect cure for the bugs in my system, because He knows what is good for His children. He reminded me of who I am. Summer 2015 was basically like a hard reset for me. Like when your laptop freezes so you hold the power button until it restarts. That’s what God did to me this summer. He sent me to Africa where I felt more alive and more myself than anywhere else ever before. He reminded me of the purpose He placed inside me and the plan He has for my life. Then He sent me to camp where I met girls who not only understood the regrets and struggles in my past, but could relate and sympathize, and they accepted and loved me unconditionally. I learned that I’m damaged, and I’m not perfect, and I glitch sometimes, but I’m still capable and usable and worthy of love. It’s amazing to feel God’s grace in the realest form I’ve ever felt it. The grace that makes me beautiful despite my flaws. The grace that makes me usable despite my weaknesses. The grace that justifies me. The grace that makes me worthy despite my wretched unworthiness. The grace that is so much greater than my perception of my imperfection. The grace that showed me that I can’t shrink myself into something that God cannot love because His irrevocable love transforms me into something greater than human measures. 

 2015 was a good year, by the grace of God. 

 *for the record, my self destructive habits weren't substance abuse or self harm. They were just skipping school and sucking dick. harmful but not quite as bad.

What is your biggest regret? None of that "i don't have any regrets" nonsense. Everyone regrets something.

Haha wow, you’re strict! Alright, I promise, no nonsense. To answer your question, it’s not quite that I don’t have any regrets, but I’m too young to have any serious regrets. I regret things like…dating a guy who was too young for me. (That was my biggest regret for years) For a while, I decided that what I really regretted was breaking up with him before I was ready, and not letting the relationship just run its course. Now I’m back to regretting dating him in the first place. I regret dating a guy who didn’t share my faith. I regret not writing down the phone number a guy gestured to me through an airplane window, cause that would have made a great story, but now it’s just a “what if?” I regret being an immature child who was accidentally insensitive and self-righteous and judgmental at times when I came into contact with people who were hurting. Most recently, I regret not taking University seriously and expecting to get my marks as easily as I did in high school. So you know what I mean, I regret little stuff. Nothing that I’ll carry with me to my dying day and whisper on my deathbed. But I agree with you that everyone regrets something. I don’t subscribe to the “it was exactly what you wanted at the time” or “never regret something that made you smile” mentality. I know I’ve made mistakes. So, so many mistakes. Countless mistakes. And there are lots of times that I know I hurt someone and I would like nothing better than to erase that decision I made so that the person wouldn’t be hurt anymore. But that’s life. My mom told me that no one expects me to be perfect (except me) and when we screw up, all we can do is apologize and keep moving forward, trying to do better everyday. Maybe if I’m lucky, my regrets will always be little, silly stuff like they are now. But if I was a bettin’ woman, I’d wager that someday, I’ll have a really big, really painful regret. But I hope when that day comes that I’ll remember that I can’t hold on to my regrets forever, and that I’ll be able to forgive myself and accept my imperfection and embrace the love and grace that God offers me despite me constant failings. :) Peace and love! -Katherine 

My Manifesto

I am a Christian. That means that I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He is there for me every hour of every day, He listens to me and comforts me, guides me, helps me, inspires me, empowers me, restores me, heals me, blesses me and walks with me through the bad times. He gives me life, peace, hope, joy and freedom. Most importantly He LOVES me. No matter how screwed up I am. He is my teacher, healer, redeemer, my best friend, my king and my Lord. He is my Savior.

 I believe in the one true God, the omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent creator and supreme ruler of the universe. I believe he sprinkled the stars in the sky and hung the sun in the vast expanse of space. I believe He created us with love and a purpose, and made the entire Earth just right for us. And He is threefold: He is at once The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. I believe that Jesus Christ was fully God and fully man. That the infinite was contained within the confines of space and time and that GOD dwelt among us in a human frame. And I believe that Jesus, the one who was absolutely wholly pure and perfect, was crucified in the most inhumane way possible to take the penalty for every time we screw up. I believe He died and three days later, rose again. He conquered the grave. He is the Lord of life and of death so that NOTHING, not even the powers of Hell can separate us from His love.

 That means that we are free. Free from the bondages of addiction, depression and self-harm. Free from cutting, from drugs, and from all the pain and hurt. Free from anorexia and bulimia. Free from porn. Free from the lie that says we have to fit in and wear the right clothes, be a size double 0 and have perfect hair, skin and teeth. Free from every time someone told us we aren't good enough. Free from all the times we say that to ourselves. Free from hatred. Jesus conquered all that stuff when the nails pierced his hands and blood ran down the rugged wooden cross.

 You know why? Because He loves us. We are his children, the apple of His eye, His treasure. More precious than any other of His myriad creations. Priceless. He created us in love with free will to be our own people and to do our own thing and He let us choose Him. And some of us didn't. But He longs to have a relationship with us. He created us to be His companions, in His image in fact, with a soul and a spirit that instinctively seeks to be close to Him. He created us to live forever, in paradise with Him.

 But we have alienated ourselves. God's justice demands that we pay the penalty for the mistakes we make. That's fair right? We screw up, we take the consequences. Is it still fair when the consequences for our sinful nature is that we can't go to Heaven and live forever, that we die? Well yeah. And God's name, YAHWEH, means "I Am that I Am." He will not go against His own nature and elude justice by not letting us pay the price for our sin. So that means we're all going to die.

 Because we all make mistakes. Come one now, you can't tell me you've never felt like you would do anything at all to take back that one day, or week or month. That you've never felt unworthy to live and you've hated yourself? I have. We are nowhere near perfect and we hurt ourselves and we hurt other people. In the depths of our hearts, we hold hatred for other people. And hating someone is such a terrible emotion that it's tantamount to murdering them in our heads. And our sin, the evil poisoning our hearts and minds, is killing us.

 That sucks though. We don't want to die. God doesn't want us to die either. But where is all this Karmic, Cosmic debt gonna go? What happens with all the mistakes we make? What about all this pain I've caused? It can't just disappear. SOMEONE has to take the consequences. Someone has to pay the debt. But it can't be anyone human, we're all in debt. It had to be God. It had to be someone who had never done anything wrong and who had no sin. And humans were the ones in need of saving so it had to be a human. So God stepped into our galaxy. He was incarnated in the body of a tiny baby boy in a lowly stable in Bethlehem, Judea. And He grew up, never did a thing wrong, but hated by the people He came to save. And they killed Him, all according to the plan designed by God. Then He came back. See how this works?

 Now, some ask, how can there be a loving God when there is so much bad stuff in the world? How can He love me so much if He lets me go through all this stuff? He could very easily make this world a perfect world. And He could remove murder, rape, adultery, divorce, war, terrorism, racism, slavery, oppression, starvation and poverty. But let's stop and think about how He would go about that. All those things are entirely out fault. It's not fate, it's not the devil, it's not random, this messed up world is messed up by the people living in it. So how would He get rid of all that stuff? Get rid of us? Or change us? Change the way we think? Would He have to go all the way deep down into the very fabric of our souls, the motives of our hearts and the patterns of our thoughts? Because we are human, and to get rid of bad stuff would be to either obliterate all of us or to remove our free will. He could make it so that we never have a single bad thought. But we'd all be robots. If we're all perfect, that means we're all the same. What's the point?

 No, He made us with a choice. We can choose Him. And He gave us this world and we messed it up. And we walked away from Him. But our souls long to be united with Him again. We don't know what we're missing but we know that something is. We are all trying to ease the pain, to fill the void, to make sense of this life. We search for meaning and significance and fulfillment in friends, family, relationships, travel, food, sex, drugs, career, politics, literature, money, possesions, music and religion. But none of those things will ever cut it.

 Hold on now, you say, you just listed religion. Aren't you preaching Christianity? Isn't that a religion? And you just said that religion's not gonna cut it. No no, religion is rules and traditions. Christianity is a personal relationship with Jesus. Totally different. Don't get caught up in the "Don't do this, don't do that." Don't get confused by Catholic vs. Pentecostal. Those are denominations, but I don't like defining myself by a denomination.

 I am a Christian. I love Jesus and Jesus loves me. And I screw up but He forgives me. And when I step from this world to the next, He will be waiting for me and I will party up in Heaven with Jesus for all eternity. 

On twitter I’m seeing dozens of threads from Black activists warning people against burnout, giving all sorts of useful tips about preventing and managing it for the sake of a long-term, sustainable effort.

On tumblr I’m seeing a hell of a lot of young white kids yelling at anyone who actually follows those steps, and acting like burnout is a moral falling rather than a well-proven psychological phenomenon.

Be careful who you get your information from. Don’t let guilt lead you to make choices that will harm both you and the movement.

God works for the good of those who love Him.

WHy do you go to a non-demoninational public university. Why dont you go to a Private Christian school? Like Liberty university or something?

I'm still seriously wondering how you know where I do or do not go to school. :S Anyway, it's just kind of that I never even considered Liberty U, or similar schools, as options. Cause I wanna be a doctor. Also, I live in Newfoundland, Canada. And people who love on Newfoundland who want to go to bible college go to one of two universities: Tyndale, in Ontario, or Vanguard, in Alberta. Since I don't want to be a pastor, I don't really see the point in going to either one of those schools, or any school at all other than Memorial University. It's the only university in Newfoundland and it's suuuuuper cheap, and I can live at home and all that good stuff, and it's a relatively good quality school where I can get a science degree before I go to med school. Sooooo....yeah, it was just a really easy decision to make. Almost not even a decision at all. That's all :)Peace and love!-Katherine

I'm feeling wistful.

January 1st Reflections

Welcome to 2014 everybody. I know that the beginning of a new year is always a time for nostalgia and a time for optimism. It creates a fresh start for those who feel that they may need one. And I do understand the wonder when the clock strikes midnight and you start Day 1 of 365. 

But I would like to remind you that this is simply another 365 days. It's another circle 'round the sun. It's the beginning of a new calendar, which is a socially constructed method of keeping track of our planet's rotations, determined largely by greek rulers ages and ages ago. 

There is nothing magic about the new year. The single second that makes the difference in the date has no power whatsoever. The gravity you ascribe to the new year is entirely in your head. New beginnings have nothing to do with the date and everything to do with you. 

You can start over any second of any day of any month. You can quit anything, drop everything, pick up and leave. You can switch your major or your school or your career path. You can change anything at all about your life and you don't have to wait for the perfect time to do it. Firstly because there is no time like the present and secondly because there is no guarantee that the perfect time will even happen. 

If you want to lose 10 pounds, start RIGHT NOW. If you want to get your finances in order, start RIGHT NOW. If you want to fix relationships, start RIGHT NOW. If you want to reinvent your image, start RIGHT NOW. If you want to learn something new, start RIGHT NOW. If you want to develop your character, start RIGHT NOW. 

Nothing is to be accomplished by waiting. New Year's resolutions are so seldom fulfilled because too much emphasis is placed on the circumstances of the resolution and too little is placed on the conviction behind the resolution. 

The magic is in you. Not in the day. 

Do you think your parents would disallow you from reading books such as fifty shades of grey, go ask alice or crank?

dude man bro! I’ve read Go Ask Alice and I had forgotten it until this very second. That was such a sad book :( and I googled Crank and would probs totes read it just for educational purposes. [sidenote: this recent affliction I’ve acquired of abbreviating perfectly functional words such as probably and totally is shocking and will be cured as of right now.]

Now my ducky, as for Fifty Shades of Grey…why, I ask you, would I want to read a book whose contributions to the literary world are phrasal gems such as “kinky f***ery” and “puckered love cave”? I mean, I’m not into porn but I imagine that if I was I’d like something a tad more well-written.

All that being said, I wasn’t allowed to read Harry Potter until I was 13 and I wasn’t allowed to read Twilight until I was 16 because my mom was worried about the effects on my young impressionable mind. Having since read all four Twilight books, I think she was quite in the right. The relationships in that book are unhealthy, co-dependent and bordering on emotionally abusive. Harry Potter, on the other hand, is and will remain one if my favourite series. Anyway! It’s not that she didn’t want me exposed to the pain and evil in the world, she just wanted to make sure I was mature enough to put everything I read into it’s proper place in my brain. And I think we’re quite past that point now. My brain is far less malleable nowadays, and I think she recognizes my ability to use discernment when selecting reading materials.

And that ability is why I will NEVER read Fifty Shades of Grey. Haha..

Thanks for the question! Peace and love! -Katherine