Ivan's The Interpreter Between Alfred And The Babushkas And That's Why He Can Get Away With Crushing

My mom: If you ever get a boyfriend, and need birth control, or get pregnant or anything, let me know. It'll take me a while to accept it, but I love you and will support you through anything

Me: *maniacal gay laughter* I have deceived you all

It's too late and I have school tomorrow and I'm writing Harry Potter x Voldemort fanfic and I'm going to hell anyways so

Holy fuckles

Note to vacationing non-Americans: while it’s true that America doesn’t always have the best food culture, the food in our restaurants is really not representative of what most of us eat at home.  The portions at Cheesecake Factory or IHOP are meant to be indulgent, not just “what Americans are used to.”

If you eat at a regular American household, during a regular meal where they’re not going out of their way to impress guests, you probably will not be served twelve pounds of chocolate-covered cream cheese.  Please bear this in mind before writing yet another “omg I can’t believe American food” post.

When I walk I hear a poppin in my knees

Hey amigos, the artist I always work with for merch designs wants to do an awareness campaign and donate 20% of the proceeds to a charity that’s related to it - I thought it would be great to come up with a campaign together. Do you have any suggestions?

So I feel like Lan Zhan's perspective is needed, so here goes:

I sat quietly, watching a very drunk Jiang Cheng try to hit on XiChen, who was already his boyfriend. I exhaled slightly, mentally cursing Wei Ying for bringing me to this party. Everyone was drunk, high, or passed out somewhere in the noisy house. It was already three hours past the time I normally went to bed, and Wei Ying was nowhere to be found. I got up, ready to retrieve my husband and go home. I looked around the house for a bit, before I ran into Nie Huaisang.

He was clearly intoxicated, with blushed cheeks and slurred speech. He waved his fan in front of his face and smiled at me. "Hey, Wangji,"

"Hello," I greeted him curtly. "Have you seen Wei Ying?" I inquired.

"Wei Ying? I don't know exactly, but I assume he's the one crying and shouting 'Notice me senpai' from Jiang Cheng's closet," Nie Huaisang giggled, noticing my slight look of confusion.

"He's stoned off his ass. Everytime someone enters the closet, he screams 'NOTICE ME SENPAI', so we just sort of closed the door on him. If it helps, his cries got weaker as time went on," He explained.

I was immediately worried. Had he gotten hurt? Had someone hurt him? I quickly raced up to Jiang Cheng's room, and threw open the closet door. Sure enough, Wei Wuxian was sprawled on the floor, crying.

He saw me, and let out a weak, breathy, "Notice me senpai..." before dropping his head to the floor once more. He looked pathetic and sad lying on the floor, high on god knows what. I picked him up, lifting under his knees and arms to carry him bridal style, close to my chest.

He leaned his head into my neck and sniffed violently loud, before murmuring, "This is the good shit..." Wei Ying promptly passed out in my arms. I planted a soft kiss on his forehead, and began to carry him downstairs to go home.

Au idea for MDZS: WWX is a smushed closet pot brownie. LWJ just walks into the closet, picks up the pot brownie and leaves.

but sir those are my emotional support stupid country people

Wow I should probably get some sleep instead of this buttttt

@howaboutyoudont

Electric Kazoo

Omg this is like 800 metaphors rolled into one megaphor