I Transitioned From A Girl Whose Lips Couldn't Move Fast Enough. To A Boy Who The Dance Floor Didn't

one day i will live in a house without slamming doors, angry men, and stinging words

one day

love. love hard. love softly. love first. love last (even if you might regret it). love loudly. love quietly. love less (only when you have to). love more. love desperately. love carelessly. love openly. love behind closed doors. love your friends. love your family. love your lovers. love your pets. love the sky. love the moon and the stars. love sunshine and the flowers. it doesn’t matter what you do, just be in love with it. it’s what we’re born to do.

Värmland, Sweden (December 22, 2023).

It makes me so insanely pissed that people care

I know it sounds stupid and self loathing and it is

But I don’t understand why people still stay with me despite how fucked up and neurotic I am

I feel like I do nothing except make my problems other peoples burden

Take this stupid fucking account for example

All I do is bitch and whine

I’m sorry you have to be around someone like me

I’m sorry that I hate myself so much that it bleeds out of me in every way possible

I wish I was different so bad

I wish I could be a better friend

I wish I could be a better brother

I wish I could of been a better son

I wish they didn’t die only knowing me as their daughter

I’m sorry that this is such a big part of me

I’m sorry none of this makes sense

I am in so much pain

november. i am home. i belong here, in november. my self coalesces with the fog, the grey skies, the cold air. and i am home.

the more i think about it the more i realize that i truly cannot remember being happy for any extended amount of time. of course there were moments, but nothing long term. and although i’ve never felt happy for more than a day or so at a time, i feel it’s absence constantly.

Thinking about how when I woke up from a nightmare in a friend’s bed I wasn’t scared. Usually I wake up in cold sweat fearing god. Friends are so magical, they don’t even have to say anything to make you feel better sometimes.

One day,

I will have an apartment with one bedroom, decorated with my memories. I will have thrifted furniture, with old pictures and posters from my youth plastered on the walls. I will have a cat, or perhaps a dog, or perhaps both, and I will be with someone I love. I will sit with my lover and share ice cream while watching cheugy reality tv, and our laughter with ring through our home like a symphony of love. We will stay up late talking about nothing, or watching our comfort movies, and we will wake up enveloped in each other (we both prefer sharing the same bed). We will go to work, and talk about our days when we come home. And life will be gentle and quiet.

And if I do not have a lover, I will spend as much time as I can with my friends. I will host sleepovers well into my twenties, and we will laugh and cry, just as we always have. We will get lunch on weekends, and call to vent about our long days. And when I go home, I will not feel the absence of romantic love, but rather the abundance of it platonically.

Either way, I will make a better life for myself. I will have a home without screaming matches, violence, and blackouts. I will be loved in the ways I deserve to be, and I will look back and wonder why I ever considered giving up in the first place.

But I have to mold this life for myself with my bare hands. Peace will not come easily, and I have to be ready to actually work towards the life I desire; but I will make it.

I will make it. I will make it. I will make it.

Emotional affair

Overly sincere