.4886 By Hildagrahnat On Flickr.

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scotland, september 2021

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The night was young but I only had you for that moment. Your hands occassionally found mine when it’s not on the steering wheel, I loved it. Some days that memory make me sad, tonight it made me smile. Probably because for that moment I knew you were mine. At least for almost an hour you were mine, and I was yours, not to keep but to remember for the rest of our lives.

I know you’re happy where you are, I am as well. Glad I didn’t drag you into my messy life. I wanted you to remember me as you saw me. For the last time. It was me. All me. All my fault. Sorry.

to A

funny how i thought i didn’t know anybody as interested with zodiac signs as me, and then came you. i love the night sky, A, and the contellation of your sign. i wish i had told you that. your sign sit between capricorn and pisces, the cup bearer of the olympian gods. i wonder if the skies looked the same when we were born. and if we intended to meet in this life, but not end up together.

oh, A, i still feel the warmth of your hand on my knee while you were driving stealing glances at me. i will remember that look, that face that i regret never kissing. know that every day you cross my mind and that the harder i try to forget the harder i want to remember. that’s why i’m writing this, to let it all out. to forget. so i can forget why you always cross my mind. i’m so sorry, A. i was a coward, i couldn’t run fast to catch up on you. i regret not kissing you before i left for the last time. i can still feel the warmth of your hand on my knee like it was just yesterday. i can still feel your face resting peacefully in my hand. what a wonderful feeling it is to remember you. you remind me of a flower field with you in the middle waiting for me. i’m sorry my plans didn’t go as planned. you should meet my son, he’s amazing.

i was scared, i was scared, A. i couldn’t escape i didn’t know why. i needed you to pull me out but you had your own problems. we were both taken. i thought i didn’t deserve you because you were so nice and i was like the girl who had so many stupid mistakes. i was made to believe that nobody likes me. i was made to believe that i was horrible. i couldn’t let you in because i was so disgusted of myself. i told you that, i think. that you’ll hate me if you get to know me better. but i love you. i love you, A. and i am in pain that we’re not together. god, i hope you read this. pls stumble upon this stupid letter.

when i told you that i was maybe hoping we’ll end up together, i meant that. sorry. things didn’t go my way. now it’s harder for me to escape.

maybe we’ll meet again some time, in our next lives. this lifetime is not for us, A.

find me

i wanted to tell you to listen to fast car by tracy chapman