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Demisexual 101

What is Demisexuality

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form an emotional connection. It’s more commonly seen in, but by no means confined, to romantic relationships.

The term demisexual comes from the orientation being “halfway between” sexual and asexual. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality.

When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close, emotional, relationship is formed.

According to one model, a person who identifies as a demisexual does not experience primary sexual attraction but does experience secondary sexual attraction. In this model, primary sexual attraction is based on outward qualities such as a person’s looks, clothes, or personality while secondary sexual attraction is attraction stemming from a connection, usually romantic, or from status or how closely the person is in relationship to the other.

Though factors such as looks and personality do not affect primary sexual attraction for demisexuals (since demisexuals do not experience primary sexual attraction), such factors may affect romantic attraction, as with any other orientation.

“Demisexual” is sometimes out under the gray-A umbrella. Demisexuality differs from gray-asexuality in that demisexuality is a specific sexual orientation in between “sexual” and “asexual”, whereas “gray-A” is a highly unspecific catch-all used for anything between sexual and asexual that does not fit.

Demisexuality may make forming romantic or sexual relationships more difficult for some people. Demisexuals often make first impressions with sexuals of being “just friends”, which may make sexuals value the relationship less. Or more depending on the person.

What Demisexuality is not

•Demisexuals are prudish or choosy.

One common misconception about demisexuals is that they are simply more choosy or “prudish” than other people who identify with mainstream sexualities. This isn’t the case; it’s that a demisexual does not feel any desire until an emotional connection is present.

•Demisexuals are scared of their sexuality.

Another common misconception is that a demisexual is scared of sex or is hiding their sexuality. Again, a demisexual simply sees sex in a different way than other “mainstream” sexualities, and because of that, may not place a high importance on sexuality unless they feel emotionally connected.

•Demisexuals don’t like sex.

Demisexuals do like sex, but only when they are attracted to their partner.

•Demisexuals are boring in the bedroom.

Just like anyone with a mainstream sexuality, some demisexuals are “vanilla,” while others are interested in experimenting. Demisexuals are all unique, and some may be more sexually adventurous than others.

•Demisexuals have a low sex drive.

While demisexuals may not have a high sex drive throughout their lives when they’re not in a relationship, they may not desire sex that may not be the case when a demisexual is in a relationship. A demisexual may have a high sex drive with a certain partner, or they may not. Again, it’s all dependent on the individual.

•Demisexuals are just straight people trying to be apart of the LGBT community

People who say this are forgetting that there are demisexuals that experience same sex attraction. There are homoromantic and panromantic demisexuals along with the heteroromantic. Not to mention transgender demisexuals, agender demisexuals, and nonbinary demisexuals. Even if a person who is demisexual identifies as heteroromatic, they are still under the ace spectrum.

•All Demisexual people are attracted to everyone who becomes close to them.

This is kind of ridiculous. While some demis might become attracted to a close friend, that doesn’t mean that they’re attracted to everyone. Just because they’re close with their cousin doesn’t mean they are planning a wedding with them.

• Demisexuality is just a preference.

Here’s the thing: it would be a preference if someone would rather not sex or a relationship until they and their partner have established a close relationship. (aka abstaining)

With demisexuality, an actual attraction isn’t present until they have a strong romantic and emotional bond in the relationship. They are not abstaining, but they do initially have a lack of any attraction.

•Demisexuals are just self proclaimed slut- shamers

Demisexuals have a variety of feelings about sex and other sexual activities. Some may be only comfortable having sex once they are close to someone, while others might enjoy casual sex for the feeling, not for the other person. Some are even sex repulsed. All feelings about sex are valid in a demisexual identity: the only thing that defines demisexuals is that they only feel sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond. Just because a majority of demisexuals don’t partake in casual sex themselves doesn’t mean they hate people who do.